Anniversaries

I never believed in the seven year itch. I didn't actually believe that after this arbitrary number of years together that things go myseriously wrong. Ironically, this whole thing began in the seventh year.

K and I met while I was still in high school... she'd been graduated for a year or two already. We had a brief, chance meeting when we worked together for a total of maybe a few hours. After making stalker-ish visits to my workplace on my days off (while, of course, she was working), I convinced her that we should became friends. After our occupational parting, we only sporadically kept in touch, but every time we reconnected, the spark was there. It simply took us three or four years to be in a position to harness that energy.

Eight years later, here we are. Or aren't, as the case may be.

Some people have wondered if I have any regrets, or any ill feelings towards my decisions over these eight years. I can't think of any, other than maybe pushing for some sort of earlier and more pro-active problem-solving when the small things seemed to become problematic. But I don't regret it. I've been morose, melancholy, and just plain sad. But even in the clearest of hindsight, I've never uttered, "what a mistake". The experience has shaped me, and even though it hasn't gone the way I wanted or expected, I can only hold on to the belief that this is what needed to happen, whatever reason that may be.

Another realization I've had to confront is one that has been a big fear of mine all along... by choosing to "move on" and start living my life in whatever definition may be associated with this action, I have to confront the reality that K, too, may (and likely will) move on. She may find someone new now that I'm not really holding her back in any way. She may find someone else to make her laugh and hold her close, and give her the comfort and security I used to provide. Maybe there have been guys just waiting for this opportunity... I can't doubt this for a second, as she's one of the most beautiful women I know. I hate the idea, but I know that I need to face facts, particularly since it was me who has decided to walk away.

For today, though, I'm going to focus on the things that have made me smile along the way, and there have been too many to count. Happy anniversary.

T

Watershed times

I feel as though I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff in the middle of the night. I have no idea what lies before me, but I know that it's big. And scary. And completely unknown. I'm suffering from absent-mindedness at work, as I'm distracted both by lingering heartbreak and the excitement of a new adventure staring me in the face. There's a creeping sense of nervousness dwelling in the deep recesses of my gut. There are so many thoughts and opinions and worries floating around my brain, that I'm not exactly sure how to process it all. In many ways, it's breeding a sense of discontent with my current work situation. For about a year now, I've been away from the career I chose, working jobs that are paying my bills but aren't paying me back in any sort of rewarding way personally. So I keep looking at the opportunities around the globe and wonder to myself if I'm ready for all of this.

I have to keep in mind that no contracts have been signed. There have been no offers, though the hope still remains that in the next week something will become available. And if it is something that does come up, I have to make the decision to jump or to stay. Does the safety of not jumping have to mean miserable complacency? Not necessarily. But a missed opportunity to jump is a missed experience altogether. And I'm not sure I'm willing to let such things go right now. The scariest things I've done have always been the most rewarding, from my decision to temporarily drop out of University to travel Europe, to moving to the west coast without knowing barely a soul, to getting down on one knee to ask a beautiful woman to love me forever. These decisions have probably shaped me more positively than any other active decisions (or non-decisions), and all of them came with their own sense of fear and uncertainty. So... if an opportunity arises, it's going to be hard to turn down. Ready or not.


My world is nothing but cliff-gripping toes
Tempting the expanse of the unknown below
Indulging in these elephant sized dreams
But yet, there's little more than frayed nerves to show
Maybe it's time to slow... slow... slow...

I wonder if I'll find myself in all these new intrigues
I do know that I've found myself nervous and fatigued
I'm certain that my uncertainty is for all the right things
And that my uncertainty is responsible for the excitement that I breed
The one thing that I hope for is clarity in all I see
If I open up my eyes and leap, I will see.

TM

Finding another place to start anew

"I guess it's time that I need to move on, then. I can't do it all on my own and you need to be a part of it, too."

It's been more than a year in the unmaking. But after 8 years, and struggling through the past year and a half in an effort to give us a chance to reconcile, no ground was made in moving forward. There has only been two continually separated individuals who cannot find a way back to a common path. So instead of looking across the apparently unbridge-able gulf residing between us, I needed to look forward at the uncertain road in front of me. I haven't really looked forward in a long time, as I was always looking for the point at which our paths would re-emerge out of the dark together. But now I see just one road in front of me and I have to learn how to navigate it on my own.

I hate it. I hate that I was forced by my own frustration and need to start living my life again to make the decision to walk away. I didn't want to. I considered just contenting myself with waiting some more. But I knew what was awaiting that decision... more bitternesss, more resentment and more unhappiness. And the words I spoke to her before I left couldn't have been more reluctant or more true. I needed to move on in whatever sense that meant. And so here I am.

I think I've been doing a lot of things lately to occupy my mind and distract myself from the resentment I have for K, since I've been fighting for so long just to have a shot at coming together again. And because of where she is on her journey, she simply and steadfastly refused. I know she felt some relief from my decision as she wasn't ready to put that nail in the coffin herself. But it took some responsibility and guilt off her shoulders so at least she's feeling a little more at ease.

I guess I am too. The problem is I still love and care for her deeply, and am still reluctant to believe that it may be over for good. I know the resentment stems at least partly from my inability to instigate some healing between us and to make her see that it didn't have to turn out this way. But none of my rhetoric could scale the walls she's put up. I'm still hoping that she'll come around one day, but I know that dwelling on that isn't going to be healthy, and I know that I must start pursuing some of the things I've shelved for a long time.

Lately, I've been goofing off and acting a little bit ridiculous... I feel as though I've suppressed many feelings and urges to go out and be slightly reckless, and now that I don't really have anything (but a bit of good sense) preventing me from doing so, I've embraced it a little. I think I realized that I need to centre myself again though, as I've been all over the place and have been running myself ragged. I've been ingesting a bit too much booze and not getting enough sleep and I feel like I'm missing a part of the old, more subdued me. I don't know if I've just been acting this way because I feel as though I need a change, or that I need to reinvent myself, but it's been happening regardless. So hopefully this week will be full of more quiet and solemn tendancies.

In a somewhat-related realm I've been looking into teaching work overseas and I may have even found something... in China! Over the past few months, I've thought about the possibility of moving away and travelling and using my teaching credentials to get a job overseas somewhere. One of the major reasons I entered the teaching program was for the potential to travel and see the world and get paid while doing it. Since my backpacking trip to Europe I've been wanting to see more of this amazing planet we're on. But after K and I got married, I was trying to think more pragmatically and only vaguely considered moving abroad for my career. We had talked about kids at one point (so that was an obvious consideration) and financially it was going to be challenging (due to my heavy student loan debt). I also thought that K would likely not be able to handle a change from mainland (or van isle) BC to a place like Japan or Bahrain or Korea. Maybe I underestimated her, but I knew how hard it was for her to move to Victoria with me and then to Kelowna. And there were no cultural limitations to confront us when we arrived! I could only imagine how brutal it would've been for her to go to a completely different continent away from her family and be thrust into a wholly foreign culture. We looked into places like Belgium and France at one point (since she speaks French), but even then I didn't pursue things ardently because of the sense that I just didn't think it would be alright.

There was also the problem of establishing my own career... I had just finished my teaching program and wanted to build up some connections in Kelowna so I could get some steady work and start laying down some roots. This made me reluctant as well, since I wanted to be pragmatic for the both of us. Stupid hindsight being 20-20.

Getting back to the talk about China... I should be hearing back from a man in Vancouver who's responsible for the recruiting for the BC Schools in China where I have some friends teaching right now. I was put in touch with the recruiter through my buddy DS, as he's been in Dalian, China for the past year with his lovely wife. There aren't any academic teaching jobs, but there's an ESL position open that I'm hoping to interview for. If things work out, I might be on a plane before the end of September! I'm extremely nervous and excited at the same time. I'm on the cusp of a whole new... I don't know what. But whatever it is, I'm excited to find out.

More on this soon.

T

Nonsense

This ghost inside me is weighing me down
I can feel every one of it's ten thousand pounds
I am trying to shed it, leave it behind on the ground
But at every turn, at every light, I find that I am found

I try to run far, but it follows in stride
Elusive as I am, it seeks where I hide
I kick and I scream but still it abides
At the end of the day, is it enough that I tried?

Last night as I walked it remained in the streets
And ignored my attempts at swift foot retreats
"No matter what happens, I'm chained to your feet,
You're stuck with me, friend, until it's Death that you meet.

TM

Song

This song came on the radio tonight on my rainy drive home. Now as I sit out on my patio and wrap myself up in the lonliness, I hope you can embrace the sensation too, however morose...

Press play.

Not Enough

There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well

There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you loved
What you need
What you had is real

It's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It's not enough,
I’m sorry
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
- Our Lady Peace

And so.

No ellipses on this dark day
It's all rain, no sunshine, but finally a white flag
Don't trick yourself or misunderstand
This isn't the "finally" of us walking hand in hand
This is the white flag of the dreaded, feared defeat
In which the two of us could not find a place to meet.

I walked out in that thunderstorm
Bottle in my hand
Wondering why you couldn't come around
And why I had to take a stand
Now I have no choice
But to walk another way
To move on to the dreams
I'd lost in yesterday.

My friends tell me I'm not alone
But you're no longer there.
The solidity of our former life
Has vanished in the air.

T

Mutterings

I'm hearing shots ring out past midnight
And there's silence in the streets
The babes are wrapped in blankets
While the criminals retreat

The lightening outside the window
Seems a hundred miles away
The power's going out
And the storm is here to stay

The shivering won't subside
As I cower in my bed
I thought I'd been found alive
But our love seems surely dead

I'm holding out a single branch
The last one I can bear
Hoping that you can grasp one end
So that this branch is one we share

Still, my naivety won't rule me
Although my wishes still remain
I wait once more in limbo
Holding branches in the rain

TM

Lacking down-time.

Life has been ridiculously busy. And it's been a balance of work and play, for sure. However, there hasn't been much time for rest lately.

I do a 1/2 marathon without any help from, well, anyone. Four days later I'm being cut into at the local hospital for a misbehaving organ. The surgery was carried out by a rockstar surgeon had my appendix out in less than 10 minutes. I'm on house arrest for about a week. Oh... and bad... my car's a piece of crap and not only do I have to fix it twice in the past two months, but it also gets hit by a hit-and-runner old man driver. However, he'll pay for the damages. Alas, I have to pay the nearly-six-hundred-dollar fee for getting it fixed up front, which sucks. It has not been fixed yet.

Talk about a flip-flop of circumstances and luck!

I work nearly 50 hours a week and only get one token day off most weeks. However, because of my surgery, I get to spend 4 days with my mom while she was visiting (which she had planned prior to my appendix-related adventure). My uncle visits and I'm able to finagle a couple of days off to hang with him and his fiancee, and get to eat carribean food and raw oysters and have the pleasure of being poured into a cab (while my car has a sleepover downtown) after numerous beers and a bit of tequila. Then my sister visits for a weekend and I have 2/3 days off that she's in town. I have another day off, and my friend from Kelowna visits and we go up to the Sooke potholes before heading down to a boat and getting drunk before/while cruising around the inner harbour and gorging ourselves on lobster, steak, asparagus and feta-stuffed olives. Now I have a Saturday off, and it's my good friend's-fiancee's stag, so I'm able to join him and the boys for a booze cruise and a night out on the town, while before this I spend the morning hiking and hanging out with teaching-program friends. Other days off are equally hectic and involve dinner parties, boat trips, some hiking, and other random adventures.

The point of this whole thing is that I've been able to enjoy a lot of good times recently with friends and family and the few days off I receive are full of fun and adventures. It's exhausting, but a tonne of fun.

Upcoming adventures: Wedding in Alberta, then off to Montana for some time with the whole fam in Whitefish/Kalispell, followed by a road trip with my big bro from Montana to K-town to the coast where he'll hang with me for a couple days before going back to the 403. Oh, and another wedding the day after returning to the coast for a good friend.

If only some sort of teaching gig would appear...

T

Oh... on a completely unrelated topic... I'm reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" right now... I have quickly realized why this is such a classic.

Around the sun

It's a cliche activity... the birthday self-evaluation. But in a way it's inevitable if you give yourself some time for self-reflection. Where to go... what to plan... what to change. Sometimes these activities accompany New Years celebrations, but I find myself looking in the mirror around my birthday.

Often, my mid-year reflections seem to be based in what I have in my life... what I've accomplished, what I hold dear, and who walks the road with me. The path's dustier than I've seen before, but one foot still follows in front of another. There are days which feel as though I've seen this part of the path before... like I've walked in circles for a few days or weeks or months in a row. I believe this is why I'm having a hard time holding on to all the scraps of what's left inside me that wishes for some positive intervention in my relationship. I've become tired... I ask, and am denied. I hope, and wait without seeing any return. And I keep moving because I don't know what else I can do.

Nights like tonight make me miss her so much... quiet nights when I'm walking the streets of this beautiful city alone. Nights that embrace music in the air and silent embraces in silhouette. Nights that say goodbye to the loved-ones we drop off at the airport after a weekend of story-telling and sunshine. And nights where I remain alone and have time to consider the sadness.

I know this blog has become an indulgence in my feelings of being broken-hearted, but I appreciate the few of you who still come by and support me through what I've been going through. "I get by with a little help from my friends"...

T

The only

The only things that follow me home

These days

Are shadows and fallen leaves

Blowing and tumbling down the sidewalk

As my feet stamp stamp the pavement

In the dark.

Some have found my clip-clop, right-left wanderings home

In the evening 

Strange

And slightly sad.

But I'm more morose when I find myself in cars

Rushing home after the music has stopped

And climbing into bed before the ringing 

Has subsided.

I walk to indulge in the tin-ny sounds 

Echoing in my ears after an all-night indulgence

Of symphonic beats and strums

Of stringed guitars

And music bars.

I walk to prolong what felt so, so right

Before it all went deeply wrong.

I guess this isn't about the music anymore.

I just know that I don't want to fall asleep quite yet

Unless I have someone breathing beside me

And I don't want to fall away quite yet

Until I know I'm not alone.

I haven't touched the lights switches in my new apartment tonight

Because if I did

I'd know that it's time for teeth to be brushed

And contacts to be taken out

And for socks to be strewn down the hall on my way to my bedroom

So that I can begin my every-eve routine of blankets and pillows

And tossing and turning and prayers for sleep to come

Alone.

No.

I want to keep my head swimming 

In the tick tick tick tick of the high hat

And the sometimes dissonant sounds coming from the stage

While the movement and hands and lights that threaten to pull me in.

Don't let sleep come quite yet... I'm just not ready.

Just a few more sounds and a few more whispers 

And a few more claps 

To break the silence as I tap tap tap

My way to dreamless sadness.

T

Running with the shadows

I've found a little piece of freedom.

I moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment in my old building (from when I was living here a few years ago with K). When we moved out here together (my second year of living in another province), my aunt was able to find us a cute little neighbourhood to call home. We stayed in the building for the rest of our time in Victoria before heading back to the mainland. So, on a whim, I decided to give my old building manager a call to see if anything was coming up and, presto, I now have my own little piece of privacy. No random roommates. No strangers waltzing in. No odd noises coming from bedrooms which share a wall with me. Just me.

I've never lived by myself before. When I first moved out of my parents' place, I moved in with a very odd, pink-haired internet junkie who was anti-social in the extreme. I lasted 2 months before moving into a very slum-like basement suite with three other university guys for the rest of the school year. K moved out here with me during my second year and we've lived together ever since (obviously, since we were married almost exactly a year after moving in together). Now, after couch and apartment jumping for 8 months, I finally have my own space. Tiny though it may be, it's something of my own.

I haven't been writing as prolifically in the past few weeks. Part of this is due to my lack of internet access (the grim reality of paying for all the bills myself prevented me from acting quickly on this front), which is no longer a problem. And part of it is a sense of numbness that has crept into my personal life for the past couple of months. It's not even numbness, really... it's... well... a declining sense of will in my hopes for what is to come in my marriage.

I've been looking for signs that things will improve. I've made requests... I've asked questions... I've prayed... I've held on. And in all this time, I've tried to be as patient as possible in waiting for responses and action in any of these requests. But I think you can only go so long without getting anything in return. And I've felt this realization creep up into my consciousness over previous weeks. The main sense is my feeling of fatigue. I just feel defeated any time I think about my relationship. And so I have, to a certain extent, given up. I haven't gone out of my way to instigate conversation, so the conversations have died. I've waited patiently since March for a response to a series of life-defining questions I posed to K, and I've received nothing but casual small talk and a total disregard for my wishes. Every inch I beg for gets ignored or rejected. So, in my defeatist sense of fatigue, I've just hid from it all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I did send a message to K about these feelings, but I have yet to hear from her. She did reassure me that she would respond, but she also said she'd respond to the questions posed to her in March (which I brought up in April, and received another assurance that she'd respond and still has not). I just wait, as per usual. I just don't think I can wait much more. It's been over a year of waiting for, well, whatever it is I'm waiting for, and I think I've just run out of steam. I need to start focussing my energy on my own pursuits and new goals, because I simply don't have the moxie to keep up the frustrated/patient waiting around.

Through all of this, I still find time to do the things I love... run, read, spend time with friends, enjoy the streets of this beautiful city, listen to music, and just sit. There are so many good things to focus my energy on, that it's coming to the time where I need to redirect my ambitions to something fruitful. I've mentioned this on a number of occasions... there's a silver lining in everything, and I seem to keep finding it. My surgery gave me time off to spend with my mom and the time to look for a new place to live. My move gave me more opportunities to see my friends, since it was no longer a long drive to get to where they lived. And there are more opportunities to experience the silent streets at night while the sleepy darkness encapsulates the rest of the living world. And so this is where I run.

T

Brief rhymes

It's another quiet night
Where the stars are bright
But I cannot tell
Why the moon ain't right
It's like an aeroplane
Or a flickrin' flame
And I'm starting to forget
How to whisper your name

And I find myself
Losing myself again
And I can't just mend
What you've never been
And your promises
Are just the moonlight mist
That your lips can't kiss
And my memories miss

It happens when
Your words are closing doors
And what I'm waiting for
Ain't worth fighting for
When you cannot show
What I need to grow
And have hope that you
Will find your way back home

'Cause you've long been gone
From what I'm fighting for
And when I'm wanting more
It's another empty shore
Where there ain't no tide
And you're not by my side
And it's all my strength
To find the strength inside

So I wander on
Toward the setting sun
Not knowing if you're there
Or if you're long since gone
But I struggle through
The storm you put me through
Because in the end
I'm trying to wait for you.

T

Keeping busy and returning to routines

I returned to work last week after a nearly-two week hiatus for surgery. My demon appendix was removed without any major issues, and after about 2.5 weeks, I'm pretty much back to normal. I went for my first post-surgery run today for about 40 minutes and feel like a million bucks. It was maybe a bit laborious than other runs, considering I haven't run since my 1/2 marathon, but it felt good nonetheless. And when it's nearly 20 degrees, who am I to complain?

Two weekends in a row I've had family visitors out. My mom came out to visit last weekend and we were able to spend a bunch of time together. I assumed that my aunt and my mom would want to hang out more, but since I was off work, the two of us roamed around and saw some of the sights in Victoria. We made a trip out to Buchart Gardens, had lunch and ice cream at the Red Barn Market, ate some Noodle Box, and had a delicious dinner at a local Carribean joint called The Reef. Sooo good. And I just realized that most of the "events" of our weekend were based around food... funny how that works :)

I got back to work last Tuesday and survived it without any real inklings of discomfort. And then I packed my weekend full of busy-ness. Friday I hung out with a good friend and her sister, drinking some homebrew and telling obnoxious stories. Saturday held a bit of a shock with a phone call from the pub saying I was supposed to be at work (they scheduled me for the Saturday rather than Sunday for some reason), so after hustling in and slinging beer for the day, I got off work, picked up my pirate friend from his boat, hit up the grocery store and went over to his girlfriends place for an epic meal of steak and freshly caught local dungeness crab with some delicious veggies and beer on the side. Then the pirate and I abandoned his first mate and met another friend of mine at a concert for the local alternative/hard rock band The Armchair Cynics. I've seen them before, but they put on a great show and are doing their best to make it big with their new album. The new song, "Ablaze" is really solid and they sound great in concert. My good friend KR is dating one of the band members, so she is keeping me up to date on upcoming shows.

Sunday brought more good weather and a wake-up call from the pirate. He had to move his boat from Oak Bay to Cadboro Bay, so I tagged along and did a bit of sailing with him. It was a gorgeous day full of sunshine, and we had a great (albeit brief) voyage from one marina to another. After picking up our vehicles, I went and met my uncle and his fiancee for some dinner downtown and hit up a brewpub for dessert. Uncle K and I had beer for dessert, while DD chose to actually go for some lava cake. The beer was sweet enough in my books.

So, it was a pretty busy and excitement filled weekend. Today, although I'm not working, is still going to be a busy one. Now that I'm back from my run, I have to shower, have some lunch and do some running around. One of my errands consists of filling out a rental agreement with my old landlord. It's true... I'm moving again, and a lot sooner than expected. While my mom was here, she wanted to help me look around for a solo place to live (the house with friends in James Bay fell through), so on a whim I called my old landlord from when K and I first moved in together, and he just happened to have a really nice (but small) place coming up for June 1. I hemmed and hawed quite a bit, but after being disappointed with the quality of affordable housing around town, and being totally uninterested in looking around at more places, I called him up last night and I'm taking the place! It'll be much more central and familiar than where I am now, and it'll be mine. So, other than the fact that I'm paying double-rent (here and at the soon-to-be-new bachelor pad), and the fact that I have barely any furniture (K hasn't parted ways with much other than the camping gear and a bunch of stuff I had before her and I moved in together), I'm pretty excited. It's clean and pretty much everything is new, and I'll have a big patio for morning coffee and hopefully some BBQ'ing. If anyone in Vic has some used furniture they want to abandon, let me know!

Alright, a guy's gotta eat.

T

What a week can bring

I often joke with friends and acquaintances that I lead a pretty boring adult life. I'm no longer a partier or much of a late-night boozer. I'm not one to set sights on a crazy trip to Vegas or a nutty road trip to the bush to get rowdy. I like to think my life is a good sort of calm. And although I've faced some hardships, I do my best to keep tabs on pessimism and find the light in the middle of the dark, cloudy days. You know... days with ravens and owls and black-caped men lingering in the fog.

This last week has been a different sort of ridiculous. And in so many ways, I've just had to laugh it off. There are powers out there that I'll never understand, and I can't help but wonder if there's a cosmic chalkboard tallying up, well, something to create some sort of balance. And I'm wondering exactly how that chalkboard is tallied. Because it's been a crazy few days.

Just over a week ago, I posted an entry where I was obviously jaded about the state of my relationship. Now, I can't say that I'm overly optimistic, but I still hold on to hope that things can find a way to mend. That's a long road that I'm walking, but it's one that I'm still willing to walk. Lately, this blog has been a release of all the anxious frustration and desperate longing I've felt for the woman who I gave my heart to (and still do so in a much more silent way). So I'm hanging in there. Last week was a bad encounter, and I was hurt by it. But as with everything, one must move on.

The day after the encounter, I ran my first half-marathon. It was a goal I'd had in mind for almost a year, and had been working toward for months. I trained and prepared completely on my own. I ran my miles solitary without anyone pushing me or giving me advice or helping me through the minutes where I just wanted to stop the pursuit all together. No one kicked me out of bed or reminded me of the importance of my long runs. I didn't grab on to anyone to hold me up when I had the urge to sit. And although I didn't train like a professional and I know that more work could've been done, I persevered and accomplished my goal on my own. And damn, it felt good. I spent the rest of my visit to the big city eating and catching up with friends and relishing in my feeling of self-satisfaction... this was something I did without a running clinic or a partner or a trainer... just me and the road. And I have to say I'm pretty proud of that. Funny how quickly the tables turn, from bitterness to triumph in two totally separate aspects of life.

The return back to the island was a smooth one, and I was quickly back at work. However, it seems like it couldn't last.

I ended up in the hospital last week and had surgery the same day. That was Thursday... I had just returned to the rock on Monday. Who would've guessed?

It turns out that when you feel like you have indigestion or food poisoning but you don't vomit or have diarrhea (and the pain stays localized to your right lower abdomen), you might have appendicitis. Which is what I had. I started feeling like rubbish on Wednesday night, and after trying to eat something, then trying some antacids at about 10:30pm, and then tossing and turning all night before going to the nearby Macs store for some pepto at 5:30 in the morning and STILL feeling like my gut wanted to kill me, I decided that I should probably go to the clinic. This turned out to be a bit fruitless, since the walk-in GP assumed food poisoning or possible appendicitis. His suggestion: sleep it off and it should get better, but if it gets worse, go to the ER. But after getting home and checking the expiration dates of the food in the fridge, and reassessing my pain and checking symptoms of food poisoning vs. appendicitis, I grabbed some books and my IPod and headed to the ER an hour after leaving the doc's office.

I got there about 11am, and at 11pm that same day, I was lying on a surgical table in the OR and was uncomfortably waiting to be knocked out. They removed the alien appendix that was causing all the muss and fuss, and here I am today, sitting on my backside, taking it easy. I actually went back to the ER for about 6 hours yesterday because of a new and brutal pain I had the previous night, but it turns out that my aversion to pain killers is what caused the extra pain... I weaned myself from my Every-4-hour-tylenol-ingestion within 2 days and was trying to go sans-drogues. That and my quick return to my regular food habits caused some irritation around the internal surgical site and I just needed to take some more tylenol. It's just that easy I guess!

So, 5 days post-surgery and I'm sitting on my ass, watching a whole craploap of TV (or, in reality, multiple TV series on DVD), and trying not to move around too much. I should be at work (although I'm not sad about being away from work, I hate just sitting around for any length of time), and I want to go for a run. But sit I will, because I'm willing to override my stubborness to get better in a more timely fashion.

Oh... and I was even able to do a bit of a good deed for a cousin of a brother-in-law that I'd never met, and was lucky enough to do so with the help of a fantastic friend.

So this is how my life goes. And there's still light. And laughter. I do just laugh at the comedy of errors that seems to present itself in this tale of tragedy and woe. It's not all clouds and darkness... sometimes it's triumphs in between the lows, and cookies and popsicles from friends, and relatives who take you in when you've got three holes in your guts, and well-wishes, and upcoming visits from parents, and the knowledge that I kicked just a little bit of ass in my first 1/2 marathon (the next one will be significantly faster). And words from the girl I still love, even if we're still a million miles apart.

T

Do I...

... run through hell and hope the devil doesn't catch me
Or do I simply let it wrap it's flaming hands around me
Can I keep up the running with fire upon my back
And can I keep on moving forward to avoid the eternal black

***

When I wrote those lines, I had a country song in my head. Yes, a country song. I don't have the slightest clue who sings it, even though it would only take a perusal of my ITunes or a google search to locate the tidbit, but since I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, I can't be bothered. It sings, "If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down... you might get out before the devil even knows you're there." Or something near that. And today, I feel like I'm going through hell. It's really just been one of the most miserable days I've had to deal with in quite a long time. Even the good stuff had it's downside. I just need sleep.

To K...

Is it ever going to be even slightly easy again? I'm so tired of being kicked and trod upon that I just don't know what to do anymore. Or even if I should care. I'm just exhausted. And I keep looking for signs from you to show me that maybe I have this all wrong... but I never get that omen. Just ravens and owls and black-caped men lingering in the fog.

T

Sunday night rhythms

I had a dream that the symmetry
And these painted scenes and these colours schemes
Would inspire a sense of sympathy
And return things to what they used to be

The strange thing is, that this inspiration
Had too little time to reach maturation
When fifty six minutes was nothing more
Than fleeting smoke at a long-dead celebration

I've packed it all up in these small cardboard cases
In newspaper wrapping, and into compact spaces
Taped up the corners and gone through the paces
To hide all the hurt that appears on our faces

We're a canyon apart... but a cloud close together
And little is left but to discuss the weather
We once lived as if we were birds of a feather
But only I remain, a lone bird in the heather

I guess that it's time that you assert that you're freed
From the shackles of us, and the burdens, and the need
You have all you want, so please, take the lead
And take on all the feathers of the bird that you see.

On I will shuffle, slowly I'll go...
What the journey will look like, it's too soon to know.
What I hope for at the end of this ebb and this flow
Is that you find some beauty in the scars that I show.

T

No title

There's been times I've medicated myself
Against the cold and against the quiet
To make the sleep come more quickly,
When I'm trying my best to hide it.
But when I slip into that bed
I know the truth remains...
The quiet is what will stay the same
Until you've finally decided.

I've heard you say that you don't like
This darker side of me.
Is there another way which I can turn
Which will satisfy or appease?
I thought that honesty was best
When trying to face the day.
But in turn you turn yourself inward
And push me further away.

You saying you're trying, darling,
But have you given me a chance?
Or have you simply found a new cocoon,
A place to call your nest?
It seems like you've just insulated you
Against all that we used to be
In order to find yourself a new,
More exciting way to see.

All of your decisions,
Well, baby, they keep hurting me,
Even as I attempt to recall
How I used to love you tenderly.
You're seeking new ways to prove
That you can do it on your own
But in this attempt to prove yourself,
You've left me all alone.

I wonder if there's even a chance
That you'll finally find a way
To compromise and find me
With you at the end of the day.
Every day you put us off
Is another day I believe
That you're giving up all we had
And all we pledged to believe.

My love, when did you give up on
The promise of you and me?

T

Where we find ourselves

The last year has seen a great deal of transition in my own life and the lives of those around me.

Before I get to everything else, congratulations to my friend L.G. (Ciboulette), who just publicly announced that she's been avoiding bloggo-world because she's pregnant! That's awesome, so congrats to you and Mr. G!!!

This is just one of the things that has happened in the past year that has proven to me over and over again that I'm experiencing an extreme state of flux. Friends are in med school and law school, friends are getting married and getting pregnant, my family has seen a great deal of change, and most obviously I've experienced maybe a day or two of uncertainty and randomness in the past year (think job situation, marital situation, location situation).

I'm hesitant to put a judgment on any of this change, other than I realize it's a necessity of life... you know, "life goes on", and all that other rubbish. But it's just been amazing to me that I seem to have stumbled upon a time when nothing is certain except change itself. I'm watching my life change around me, and I'm both extremely excited for, and exceptionally weary of, what will happen next. In a lot of ways, I seem to be finding some sort of clarity in my life when all things in it are chaotic. I've heard of research that says being around moving water initiates some sort of neural connections and that people often think better around moving water. The way things are going, I'd say that the constant movement of the world around me is enough to provide the same sort of awareness.

I haven't come to a huge number of steadfast conclusions, but I have a better idea of what my life is going to be like, and what is important for me. I still haven't gotten a handle on all of my emotions, especially relating to my separation and my uncertainties about my chosen career path that I'm planning to pursue in the fall, but I'm starting to form ideas. One day at a time.

On a somewhat separate but somewhat related topic, I am planning to run the BMO Vancouver 1/2 marathon at the beginning of May with a friend and her partner. I've been trying to get out running at least 2-3 days a week, and I actually just got back in a little while ago from my now-regular Saturday morning trail run. It was pouring rain and dark outside my window this morning, and I really considered calling my Saturday cohort to cancel, but I knew that it would pay off if I just dragged my backside out of bed. And again I wasn't disappointed. Even running in the muddy rainy-ness that was today out at Thetis Lake park, the smell of wet foliage and fresh mud were enough to keep me going. I have hopes to start doing some kayaking at one point soon (I've never been before), so I'll attempt to keep up to date on that venture.

Although there is still cloud outside my window, there's a big delicious day out there waiting for me. Until again...

T

To the one I love

I guess I was just moved by the sentiment of the music back when you believed this to be a fitting song. We'd spent time apart before, but it felt unavoidable. We were both sorting out our paths in life, even as we walked them together. I guess that's how it feels to you. My main problem is we aren't on the same road together anymore... or, at least if we are, I can't see you through the fog and the darkness. I'm scared about the fact that we're going to have to start over, you and I, because we've been apart for so long. I can't simply come running back to you, like I thought I would when I walked out the door. The deep cuts need to be stitched slowly, but even though it's a long road ahead, I hope to walk it with you.

I indulge in life's mysteries a lot of days. I borrowed a mixed CD froma friend, and after one of the longest weeks of my life this week, I started playing the music on this gift from a friend. Since it wouldn't be right, and it just wouldn't be my life if something so coincidental didn't take place, and it just wouldn't fit if something so intensely personal to you and I didn't came on, that's exactly what happened. You and I both grew in love to this song and with this song. And now it's a song that speaks to me, and I hope that it's you singing the words. K, if you come by here, please listen to the song and to the lyrics, and find yourself in their sentiment. It makes me sad at the same time as making me hopeful. So...

Just press play.

T

Maybe

Maybe I have it all wrong
But I wish you'd set it right
and tell me how it is.
All I really want to know
is how we can find a way
To make it right again.
I refuse to let the sadness creep in
For more than a minute or two
Because I feel like it wants to stick around
And make itself at home in my misery
And not let me alone.

As I barred the door against the melancholy
Anger crept through the window quiet
At night... through the dark draughts carried
Into me by the winds of doubt and angst and silence.

And by the breaths of your rejection.

You say I've turned bitter and cold
But I've been trying to shut out the chills
Of this darkness, of this winter, of this rage
For days and days and days.

Why can't I just let it all go?
It's getting too heavy to carry this load alone.

Stumbled across some lyrics from my past

"There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in"
- A Murder of One
(Adam Duritz, Counting Crows)

Also, this made me smile... Counting Crows and Hootie covering an old Dylan song...

Go...

HERE.

And listen.

T

Spilling over... not completely coherent, but words are written

Don't mistake no news for good news
Since I know that hearing nothing is the hardest thing to hear.
Don't mistake thoughts about you
For good thoughts, or happy thoughts,
Because in my own estimation, those thoughts can be thoughts
About not knowing what to do and wondering if it's worth it all.
Don't think that my distance
is a means to another end
Because I think I've figured out
that this is a common, constant trend.
And don't assume you know my thoughts, because baby, if you do,
Then you may that we're on the cusp of facing a lose-lose.

I come here to be quiet,
I come here to be sad,
Because I don't let the quiet
Drive me wholly mad.
Sadness is a leaky dyke
That can cause the waters to break
So I simply try to not indulge
The sadness while I wake.
But here's a place of comfort
Of silent self-concern
Where I can be just a little sad,
A place where I can yearn.
Because I'm waking up each morning
And wondering about the day
And wondering if I'll ever retrieve the girl
Who stole my heart away.
I guess that's just what happens
When you give your love a chance.
Does the future rests within my grip?
Or is it happenstance?

T

A Full-Circle Story... by/from a friend

A close friend of mine recently sent this story to Stuart McLean in hopes of having him read it for one of his contests. She sent it to me (because, as I'm sure you could've guessed, I was extremely intrigued by the statement, "... this story I sent to Stuart McLean...) and after reading it and connecting very closely to it, I asked her if I could share it here. So, here it is. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did (and as much as Stuart McLean will).

***

The beginning of the circle starts at Pier 21 in Halifax in the year of 1949. My mother, who was born in Salzburg, Austria, came to Canada as a baby by boat with my grandparents. They took the train across the whole of Canada to the opposite coast, and the rest of what was to become a very big family grew up in Williams Lake, British Columbia, where my grandmother built up her own little “Austria in the woods”.

To skip a big section of the story, my mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis some years ago, and it developed so quickly that she is now in a wheelchair, living in a full-care nursing home where she, a relatively young woman, is nearly fully dependant on others for her care. I haven’t a clue how she does it, but she actually just smiles and laughs her way through each day and delights in all of life’s small joys. She even laughs at her disabilities. I ask, “Mami, what kind of memory exercises did you do with Papi today (Papi is my father)?” Long pause. Then she answers, “I can’t remember… What kind of games did we do?” and then we both laugh about the roaring success of these “memory exercises”.

I left the West Coast to go to Halifax to do my master’s at Dalhousie University which already tickled my mother and grandmother pink, but when I found out that our graduation party in December 2008 was to be held at Pier 21, we were all very excited. One of my many uncles called to say the family was trying to arrange to have my mother come out to Halifax for the celebration but that they needed my help on the East Coast end to arrange it. In the end, two cousins, an aunt, my grandmother, my mother, and our favourite care aid for my mother all came out from BC for the research presentation and graduation party in Halifax.

BUT… Canadian weather put a kink in our plans, as everyone except my grandmother missed a connecting flight due to fog. I sat in my room after hearing the news, anxious about my presentation the next morning and disappointed that they would not be there after all. The morning of our presentations, I looked around hopefully but did not see my family. When called, I walked up to do my presentation, turned around to begin, and saw the whole family entourage coming down the aisle toward me, fashionably late, as usual. The crowd giggled, and some friends told me later they shed a tear, as I had been talking about my aunt, cousins, grandmother, mother, and mother’s care aid coming for weeks… for months! I caught my breath and presented with them in front of me after all.

The celebration at Pier 21 was such a joy. My friends, as well as the staff and faculty of our school, truly made my family feel as if they were being received as royalty, and I will be forever grateful for that. Neither my mother nor grandmother had been back to Halifax since immigrating in 1949, and my grandfather passed away before he had the chance to go back himself. As we sat at our dinner table looking at the Austrian flag hanging over our heads, raising our glasses and singing “Ein Prosit,” I thought how perfectly wonderful this celebration was, how certain things can just fall into place to create the most meaningful of experiences. We danced the night away, my mother spinning around in her wheelchair and lasting well past midnight, and spent the next day browsing through the beautiful museum that now stands in the place of the old, original Pier 21. The staff there was also incredibly kind and generous. They kept Pier 21 open for us past closing hours, and one gentleman even snuck my grandmother a gift: a framed picture of the boat on which she came to Canada.

So, there you have this funny little full-circle story. Those were the most beautiful four days I could have imagined.

By D. Von Platen

Sometimes...

... it just hurts so bad
And sometimes, I shed quiet tears in the night
Without anyone knowing how truly broken I feel
And how the waiting is more than a knife, more than a gun.

I woke up one morning
And walked across the world
Just a bag and some fear in hand
Having no clue of what was to come
Arriving in a strangers land
Without a clue of where to go
But clasping a familiar hand
We walked bravely though the rain and snow
To a place that promised to take us
To a place we could pretend
That was warm and familiar and new,
And was just a little like home.

Twenty years of security
And meals thrice a day
I wondered how I'd feed myself
And how I'd find my way
But I kept on waking up
Wondering what to make of life
And what to do with the opportunity
To make it all seem right

So I walked on, my love
I walked on
And now I'm alone again
And so I just walk on
I walked on, my dear
I walked on
And now I'm here it's cold again
But still I just walk on.

I arose another morning
In another foreign land
Not sure of where to put my feet,
Was it water or was it land?
All I knew was my restlessness
My need to drink in the day
Like a thirst that had gripped me since my birth
And awakenend my destiny

So I walked on, my girl,
I walked on
My shadow at my side
I walked on, bella
I walked on
Assured of my stride

So here I am a lifetime later
Just fighting to wake for morning sun.
Bouts of nostalgia make me smile
Make me live, and make me run
But no longer am I running
From the fear that kept me at bay
This time I keep on running
To make sure I seize the day

I walk on, my love
I walk on
Not fearing whatever may come
I walk on, my soul,
I walk on,
I keep on 'til the day is done.

Can you find me in this darkness
Or are you having too much trouble finding yourself
With your own hands and eyes?
I try to dress up for the cold
But what does it matter when I'm left outside
Knocking at the doors for days
and days
and days.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll be your biggest regret,
Or if, when I'm gone, you'd wish for me to return.
But right now I don't know if I'm staying or leaving
And I don't know where to abandon the sadness
To escape the shivering up my spine that's been haunting me
Ever since you told me not to come home.
I don't know how to convince you of our love
Or how to prove to you that I'm worthy our your love
And your faith
And the promises we made so many months ago.
I've tried my hardest to wait out the rain
But I can't get warm... it's just too damn cold
Everywhere I go.
I live in moments now where I forget about the chill
And I ignore the crows outside my window
Even though I see the murder waiting just beyond the door.
So here I am again
Not knowing what's inside and what's out
Or what to do about
Much of anything in my life.
So I sit, and try to sleep, and try to find some light
On my horizon.
It's just so dark
And so damn cold
I wonder if I'll ever sleep again.

T

Bringing me down...

Gravity

Gravity is working against me.
And gravity wants to bring me down.
I'll never know what makes a man
With all the love his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away.

Gravity is working against me.
And gravity wants to bring me down.
Twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one-half could.
It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees.

Gravity, stay the hell away from me.
And gravity has taken better men than me.
But how could that be?
Just keep me where the light is.
Just keep me where the light is.

Come on keep me where the light is.
Come on keep me where the light is...

- John Mayer

Words to celebrate an inauguration

Stolen from L who stole it from Kelly. One of my favourite poets. There's a new face to things for our friends south of the border.

I, too, sing America
- by Langston Hughes

I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed -

I, too, am America.

Night-time scribblings

I used to write poems for strangers, for friends,
sitting above swimming pools at institutions of higher learning,
lounging in coffee shops looking out on the wind-blown streets
and overlooking the dry river valleys below.
Now I write under rainy skies and look out on ocean views,
staring out into the water to see if love's found it's way back to me.
In the meantime, while I endlessly wait,
I write poems about that meantime, the in-between time,
words which fill that space between
fearing and wondering and knowing what's to come...
poems about the quiet, about what's left, about what may never come,
singing to myself,
as I fade into my own memories,
as I dance alone in a burning room*.

* reference to "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer


So I see you carrying that fire inside... but how will you put it to use?
Will you light the candles of others and spread some light around?
Or will it be the fire that burns you and consumes you from within?

Where...

Have you ever been told not to mistake motion for action?
Or that you shouldn't pursue simple self-satisfaction?
For there are bigger things out there, and more to pursue
But the more you acquire means there's much more to lose.

Can I sleep off the lonely?
Can I shrug off the cold?
Can I outrun the anger
And break from the mold?
You hold on to your rage
Like a gun by your side
While licking your wounds
And maintaining your pride.
But when will I come back
Into focus for you?
Or are you trying to tell me
It's over, we're through?
I beg for your words
Like salvation, like rain.
But I receive just the silence,
The void, and the pain.
Will ever you find
What you lost in the start
Of all this bitterness
Or will you simply depart?

I've asked the question and had people respond as to whether one needs to be happy on one's own before they can be happy with someone else. I think the respondants reflected what I was thinking... that a strong sense of self is necessary (or, at the very least, quite useful) before embarking on the pursuit of a common life. So I keep wondering... have you met... you? And if so, do you like what you see?

And if you don't, where does
that
leave
me?

Here

After nearly two weeks of virus-related issues (both physically and in my computer), I now have my internet access back again. I'll be around in coming days with more to say. Alas, the night is here and slumber awaits. Until then...

T

Buying in

We walk through life with mantras by our side... these undeniable, obviously fundamental philosophies on life that are unchangeable. We keep them securely in our pockets, ready for action whenever needed. They shape our decisions, and we live by their dictates. We say, "This is what life is supposed to look like," or, "I need this above anything." We all have them... some of us take on more subtle ones, and others state them for the world. Some are founded in moralist qualities that take on sports analogies ("It's not about whether you win or lose, but how you play the game"). Others take on more universal approaches ("It's all about balance in life"... you'll catch me saying this). Whatever the case, we buy into these personal outlooks and shape our lives accordingly.

But what happens when what we've told ourselves is something that is just simply untrue? Or, at least not true for everyone? And what if it becomes so hardened within our resolve to act in a certain way that we cannot see outside the tunnel? How is light supposed to squeak in when the blinds are so tightly fastened?

I've been thinking a lot on this, and the only thing I can conclude is that sometimes we need to believe that an outsider's perspective, whether wanted or unwanted, can be enlightening. Without going into the details, I would love it if some people would weigh in on this question:

Do you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with another person? Or is it possible to find personal happiness within the framework of a common happiness?

Let me know. And if my two or three readers can refer people to answer this question too, I'd really appreciate it.

T

Newness

Arriving, like a fresh sheet of innocence draped over the city
Hiding away the blemishes and mistakes.
Sadness arrives alongside this sheet of innocence,
Knowing that it only takes days to turn into an ugly mess
Where the serenity is abandoned in place of a marked world.
The same happens with the season...
In the beginning, there is hope and friendship
In lights
In colours
In song
In quiet moments
But the quiet is soon disregarded as frivolous
And instead of basking in moments, frittering aimlessly
There are deadlines and schedules that arise
Like schoolmasters and pencil pushers.
Why so fleeting, this sense of rebirth?
How does it become so easy to be dragged to the depths of motion
Where it's easy to forget about
The need to stop for brief seconds and simply look around
When calendars and itineraries await to dictate the day?

T

Musing

You used to always tell me that I smelled like the outside
Like the world out there, so cluttered and uncertain
Not like the world inside...
Where things can be ordered, expected.
You liked to tell me you liked the outdoors
But I think you liked the idea more than the reality
Because the reality was untidy
Messy
Unpredictable.
This was the worst part... the unpredictability.
You couldn't plan or forsee everything that was to come
Whether it was a mouse
Or a mosquito looking for blood
Or simply a crackle in the bushes
And you couldn't step outside yourself long enough to know
That in this uncertainty is life
Is experience
Is that which is worth living for
And that which is memorable.

When do we even remember the plans for something we did?

The memories are in the doing
This is also where the learning lies.

A plan is helpful, and often necessary.
We all need maps and directions from time to time.
But it's driving that is life.
The action.

You've been waiting for a chance to take life by the throat
To wrangle it by the scruff of the neck
Confidently
With strength.
But it's been beside you all along
Holding your hand
Waiting for you to lead
Now you realize that you need to walk and move forward
In some semblance of your own direction
But you continue to turn... round... in circles.

But why not? Sure. It makes sense.
Circles are just so tidy.

And if you never go anywhere, can you really get lost?
I guess only if you were lost to begin with.

T

Knowing I'm a lucky man

I can't begin to explain how many nights I've looked up to the cosmos and thanked my lucky stars for how my life has turned out and how I've been blessed on this planet over and over again. I've met some wonderful folks, experienced some absolutely amazing things, and have fantastic, supportive, and wholly good people in my circle. In a world that is full of messiness and apathy and frustration, I can't help but think I've lived a rosy existence. I realize that this is looking through rose-coloured lenses in the face of my own marital strife, but who's to say that there aren't multiple faces to my life?

Last week, I'd planned a big night of cheesy fun with as many people in Victoria as I knew. I thought it would be a riot to accumulate as many people and thermoses of Christmas cheer (and as many tacky sweaters) as possible, and go out carolling for the night. I'd even planned on collecting foodstuffs for the Mustard Seed in town in order to have a positive outcome beyond the wonderful hilarity that would've transpired throughout the evening of sing-song fun. Because everyone knows that Christmas cheer and cheesy sing-songs inspire hilarity and rampant guffawing!

Alas, I was met with a lot of non-replies, a lot of "sorry, we're busy"'s, and a couple of more vehement, "I hate carolling so much it makes me itch!" responses. Out of the twenty or so people I sent an invite to, I had one... ONE!... one reply to say she was on board and even planned to bring a friend. And that was it. And then the friend didn't come.

Obviously, I canned the idea. However, my lone reveller-friend decided that we should still do something good to spread the Christmas spirit tonight, even if it was with our party of two. So, we did. We met at her house and walked downtown, found a man who was hoping for some spare change, and instead of giving him change, treated him to a coffee, a sandwich, a snack, and some warm conversation on this Thursday evening. It was all D's idea, and I was truly inspired by her sincerity and wish to carry this out. The idea was sparked by her desire to NOT give her soon-to-be god-daughter any video games or other material Christmas presents, but to write them letters detailing something they'd done in the child's name. Like tonight... after the warm chatter, we took a picture with the man known as Tracy, and D is going to process the picture and send a letter to her god-daughter telling her the story of this star filled, snow covered, beautifully cold winter night where we know that someone is just a bit warmer than he would've been otherwise.

I think about the people in my life, and I know that some of them are just genuinely inspiring for all sorts of reasons. D takes the cake this year... I don't think I know of anyone so willing to put herself out there and approach someone in this manner and do something so selfless and simple. And maybe it's somewhat selfish (since she and I both felt great about it afterwards), and maybe it's not going to solve the world's malaise, but it was something. And if there were more somethings, then, well, you never know.

So I sit here and smile, knowing that even though I'm dealing with a mess of crap, there are other things out there... other lives that are suffering... and if I'm able to lend a hand here or there, then I should. I walked up to my house tonight looking at the deep blue-black sky dotted with stars and semi-concealed in non-commital clouds, and I know that there are things to smile about everywhere.

T

Christmas-y time in the city

The countdown has really started for most people. I realize that for some, it started months ago, but I'm one of those types who only likes to indulge in the seasonal reverie when the holiday is actually in sight. Now that we're at ten days left, I believe that it's time to get into things.

This is the first Christmas season that I won't see Alberta at all. Since K and I got married, we've been splitting the holiday week between our families. I haven't minded this (beyond the initial guilt-tripping and sense of frustration felt among family members), but we were still in southern Alberta all the same. This year, due to new work commitments, I couldn't arrange to receive time off so on the Island I remain. I am disappointed that I won't be able to spend the holidays with my immediate family (and with K's family), but since I was able to see my parents, grandparents and siblings at Thanksgiving, I feel as though I can survive until February (when I'm hopefully going to be able to fly out for a visit).

I won't be totally family-less though... my aunt and uncle and cousin will be hosting Christmas dinner and my other cousin will be flying out from Halifax with her fiancee to spend a week out here as well. And I also have numerous friends who have already invited me over, so I may do a bit of house-hopping over the few days-off I have to say hellp to my friends and their families.

As a way of celebrating the Christmas spirit, I'm trying organize a night of carolling with the people I know from Victoria. I thought it would be a tonne of fun to get a bunch of us together to sing Christmas songs and embrace cheesy Christmas sweaters in order to show that we're thankful and just have a fun wintery night out. I'm going to try to contact the local food bank to see if we can incorporate a food/money drive at the same time. I've had a few "no"s and a few "maybe"s, but not a lot of definite commitments. Although I'm a bit disappointed so far, I know that people are crazy busy... there's so much to do and since most people don't get much time off around this time of year, they have a million errands they need to run and a finite amount of time to pull them off. So, I'm hoping that if I can get at least 6 or 7, that'll be a success in itself, and we'll just have to belt things out a little louder than we would with 10 or 15!

And just in case it wasn't feeling like Christmas just a few short days ago, the sky dropped a few inches of snow on us over the weekend, causing the fair-weather islanders to drive 20km/hr or find their cars in the ditch. This type of cold-weather driving doesn't bother me, but I sure wouldn't be going out of my way to battle the Malahat right now. And we even have sunshine to accompany the crisp whiteness. Who says that it's grey and miserable over the winter here??? :) "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

T

Words penned in the dark

I take only a few moments near the darkened winter coast
Yet it's all I really need to refresh quiet moments in my mind.
The quiet, dark walk helps ease my soul, even when I feel like I'm on fire.
I travel back to moments in my mind where you and I walked quietly together.
I never will remember all the days we've spent just wasting away the time,
Pretending real life will come soon enough even as it's wildly by our side.
But I have enough moments and minutes, like photos on the wall,
That I see every chance I get when I wish upon my memory.

You find these clouds depressing, saying it's cold and they hide the sky
But its these clouds that help December stay warm and light up the city night.
You tell me that you're just not sure, and that you're really, truly trying...
But I'm the one walking these streets alone, wondering, wishing, crying.
Why am I feeling like I'm the one who's lost, who's gone, who's dying?

T

A few honest things

About me:

I'm quite confident about the person I am most of the time... however, when I'm in new settings (a new job, a new surrounding, a new group of friends), I become uncertain of how to act and resort to being either very quiet or overly chatty and sarcastic. Although I'm a sarcastic person and am very talkative, I definitely overdo it in these situations and put off an annoying vibe. Physically speaking, though, I'm very insecure... I'm always wondering what other people see when they see me, and even though I'm healthy and not wholly unattractive, I definitely don't think I'm all that much to look at.

I keep a lot of people at a distance, especially at work. I act a certain way and let people into my world on a limited basis, and at work, there are rarely those who inhabit my inner circle. For me, work is work and my life is something else. Now, I don't want to be misunderstood... I very much enjoy the people that I work with (most of the time), but being who I am, I don't generally pursue close friendships with workmates. Few make the transition from co-worker to someone I'd consider a friend, and there's really few who I'd consider close friends in my life. Those who I do consider close generally receive semi-regular contact from me and I try to touch base with them in person as often as possible. Typically it takes at least a couple of times out for coffee or beer to shift from acquaintance to friend for me.

I can be extremely anal about certain organizational facets of my life, but am a bit messy in my home... I pile clothes up around the house and am not bothered by general untidyness. A dirty house is one thing that I don't like, but having things askew doesn't irk too much at home. I guess I grew up in a world of chaos when looking at this very thing (for any of you with a mother who does crafts and has some pack-rat tendancies, you likely understand what I'm talking about), so I'm typically not bothered about strewn clothing or messily piled papers.

I'm lucky in many parts of my world. I have an amazing family, some absolutely wonderful friends, and I think I have a good appreciation for life in general. I've had to deal with some crap in my life, but I've been able to find a lot of good out there, even when I'm in pain. When I'm out running or hiking, I'm always trying to take in the scenery and really embrace what's there. I love making children smile and making people laugh and have a good time. I like knowing that people respect the job I do. I like knowing that I've changed someone's life for the better. I know I'm not wholly altruistic, but I try to be good and do good things as often as possible.

I'm one of those people who is often taken advantage of... I always want to do things that will make other people happy (since I get enjoyment out of this). And I hate getting in confrontations and would rather just do something myself or figure out a way to solve something myself rather than cause a rift or make something uncomfortable. In essence, I'm a bit of a pushover. I will stick to my guns when something is important, but if I'm indifferent, I generally do something for someone else before taking care of myself. I sometimes wonder if it's this very thing that has contributed to my independent, island-located state at this point in life.

Even though I'll do everything in my power to do the right thing, I don't put my all into a lot of things. I'm generally not a focussed person in the sense that I forget things easily and often go through spurts where I'm intensely interested in something, only to forget it soon after. As far as work goes, I figure out how to do everything decently well, but I never push myself to excell. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I'm a bit flighty with things... I don't know. I guess it's often the fact that I know I'll be moving on, so why bother. I think the only thing I invested myself completely in was, well... her.

Enough self-indulgent sharing for the night. Sleep calls.

T

What a morning

I went to bed a little later than I expected last night... after a meal with the housemates, I went to have a beer and play taxi for my cousin, who had spent his night drinking rum and playing Guitar Hero with friends. After dropping him off, I was contemplating whether or not I'd make it out for a run in the morning... I'd found a running group that apparently met every Saturday morning at Thetis Lake Park, and since I haven't done any trail running since being back home on the mainland, I was getting the itch. However, the last few days have seen some really uncertain whether, and with wind/rain warnings in effect yesterday, I thought I might just sleep in.


As I woke up this morning, I looked out the window and noticed some blue sky. There wasn't any rain and the sky looked like it was going to cooperate. So I grabbed my gear and met the club out by the lake this morning at 8am.


What an unbelievably beautiful run. The sun came out and cut through the trees. The rain stayed away and the trails were pleasantly moist. They were a bit slick in some places (due to the high presence of rocky sections), but it was an absolutely spectacular run. I kept with the slower group for the first part of the run, then scooted up and joined the quicker group during a break. I finished off with a tempo run, led by one of the running club's regulars, and was ACTUALLY steaming upon completion. STEAMING! It was pretty much perfect, and I was able to enjoy scenery that looked like this:

The trail was covered in fall foliage, and the intense smell of leaf rot mixed with earthy moss was everywhere. Afterwards, I met some friends who just arrived from out of town for breakfast at a local diner, and just arrived home to shower and do some laundry before heading to work.

With everything that life has thrown at me this year, there are still some pretty wonderful sunshiney moments to dwell in... sometimes you just have to be ambitious enough to strap on your shoes and take to the trail.

T

Mornings unlike November

The fog was rich last night... so thick you could almost pull it into your mouth and squeeze the juice out with your tongue. It was a night for ghosts, for spirits, and for the lonely. It was as if you could get lost without taking a step, but it's very presence was ephemeral, fleeting. Each moment I tried to take it in my arms, it was gone like breath.

The fog's transitory nature showed it's face today (or, by very definition, did not show it's face today), and I woke up to a sky of sunshine beating back the clouds... clouds wanting to share their load with the city in form of fairyland tears. This autumn on the coast has been anything but autumn-like. Days of sunshine and warmth have punctuated the typical and continual gray that generally hangs over the island at this time of year. The ocean's storm season will soon be here, where the winds will force the waters to crash upon the shores and drench those people unlucky enough to be running down a peninuslar boardwalk or get caught upon a marina dock. The sea during this stormy time is not patient, and will not politely wait until the area is clear.

A memory... reading a book by Douglas Coupland... story's scene presents a seagull standing on top of a heap that used to be a building. The building had been bombed and was now just a pile of rubble. The comment? Some along the lines of... "Even though we can clearly see the destruction, to the bird, it's just... the world." ( I know I butchered it, but the sentiment of the quote remains, I think).

Throughout literature, the weather has been personified in various ways, and has been used as a metaphor for countless things... a person's luck, the state of society, crime and punishment in our human world. So I guess the weather is acting as my own metaphor... the sun trying to shine through when I know it's supposed to be raining. Since moving to the coast in the first place, I've always said that I've always only needed a day or two of sunshine during these dark months to get me through to the cyclical rebirth of life in spring. I guess, too, the same goes for my personal life... as long as I can catch a glimpse of the metaphorical sunshine and find some reasons to hope, I'll be able to walk on.

Thus, since the sun is my cue... on I walk.

T

Week(non)ends

Although the weekend was here, it wasn't really a weekend. To be a week"end", the week must, in some functional way, actually come to an end. But working two jobs puts me in a position where the weeks don't really end... they just continue and fade into one another. I'm now on approximately18 days of work in a row, and there's no break coming for at least two more (but will most likely be, well, next Saturday if at all).

Don't get me wrong... I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I'm out here in order to work as much as possible and, to a certain extent, work myself into a state of forgetfulness. I want to limit the time I have alone to myself so I don't get caught up in the world of despair that has claimed me off and on for 9 or 10 months now. It's so easy to get caught up in the messy details of trying to navigate such an emotional mine-field, and lose focus on the long-term, especially when it feels like the long-term goal may be, in fact, an ever-fleeting pipe dream. I don't allow myself to actually believe this, though, even though the feelings do happen to make an appearance from time to time.

Like I was saying, I'm not trying to indulge in self-pity... I've been very fortunate with work. Both jobs I'm working right now have been set up through personal contacts and neither employer has actually seen my resume. This doesn't generally happen, especially to me. But this year has seen fortune shine in this way. And luckily, too, I haven't let down my friends who went to bat for me and I think I've successfully shed any fears that I may be some sketchy hack that didn't actually deserve a job in the first place.

I also found out yesterday that I was offered and accepted a job that I interviewed for recently. I haven't worked in this area in any real way in, well, my entire life. But experience be damned! It pays well, should be a good amount of hours, and is something completely new to add to my employability repertoire. It's actually in the medical/micro-biology field, and for those of you who know me, you'll quickly wonder, "who the hell would offer that bookworm a LAB job?!?!" I thought the same thing myself, since the last scientific endeavour I participated in was a brief attempt at a first-year Bio class at the U of L which I promptly dropped after receiving the lowest-possible, non-failing grade available at the time... 49.5%. Scary, I know. But I like to think I'm a bit brighter these days and as long as I'm shown what to do, can pretty much carry out any basic task know to man. I think I'm trying to become the most employable guy in Canada by working and getting experience in as many different places as are available. Med school here I come? Well... lets not get ridiculous.

In other news, I'm officially finished The Book Thief, and as I expected, I was not disappointed. It was a moving book and although I didn't come out a different man, I may be a slightly better one. If you have the chance, pick it up... well worth the read for any reading level.

More words call, as I'm beginning a new book tonight. So off I run into another non-weekend-Sunday-night. Until again...

T

True

"I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right."
- The Book Thief

Sharing...

I recently said that I was planning to use this venue in a bit more of a self-exploratory manner. So, since I penned this quickly just a few minutes ago (as my mind was reeling, as is generally the case when I take pen to paper), I thought I'd put it up here. I know it falls on a terribly uninspired rhyme scheme, but it's easy to put words into a predetermined form. And since I'm not pursuing any intellectual pursuits here, it just doesn't bloody well matter. There's no title.


Today was just another day of ongoing radio silence.
But I guess that it's a welcome break from the constant verbal violence.
I'm down on my knees daily hoping that again you can see me
For the man you used to love, and with whom you'd always be.

Now days gone by are stretching out
Into weeks and months that are filled with doubt.
You still won't tell me if you see me
In your waking hopes or your hope-filled dreams.
Darling why won't you let me in... it's colder than it seems.

Often I get to wondering if there's a pattern to this scene,
And if I'm just the latest victim in your dramatic uncertainty.
I wonder when the dykes had broke, and when you began to drown
And when you decided that pushing away was the only way around.

Now days gone by are stretching far
Into months and wishes made on a star.
I wish you'd tell me if you could see me
In your heart, in your soul, in your loving plea.
Baby, please won't you let me in... I'll be all you need me to be.

-TM

Words... words... words...

I haven't been reading it quickly, but my most recent book of interest is The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. I've been reading a lot of books about stealing it seems like (considering one of the ones I read this summer was The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland).

Anyways, it's been another enjoyable foray into the world of YA Lit (or young adult lit for those not super big on acronyms... any teacher or government worker loves to indulge in the creation of acronyms, I think... it's just a really elaborate way of saying something that isn't particularly complex in the first place). I've really liked a lot of the YA books I've read in the past, and interestingly enough I have two more in the plans to read next. The next one will likely be Maus II: And Here My Troubles Began by the cartoonist Art Spiegelman, and The Lit Report by a local Victoria writer (and one of my co-workers at my new job), Sarah N. Harvey. I'm excited for both, but really want to finish The Book Thief first.

I'll say more about the content matter soon, but here's just a taste of one of the lines that has made me fall in love with the book...

"He made three separate formations that led to the same tower of dominoes in the middle. Together, they would watch everything that was so carefully planned collapse, and they would all smile at the beauty of destruction."

T

Another word... or three

I realize that my previous entry was a touch on the morose end of the emotional spectrum. Okay... it might have been more than morose. It may have been plain sad. I guess I was on a bit of a self-pity trip, which I try to stay away from as often as possible. Often, I wonder if sadness just breeds more sadness, and whether indulging in melancholy only contributes to melancholy. Isn't the idea of catharsis the release of such emotion? If such is the case... then why does it remain?

To turn this page to a somewhat more positive note... In all the muck I've had to wade through, there have been some blessings (some silver ribbon encircling the situation, if you will?) that have found their way to me. Although I'm still not working in the profession I attended school for, I was lucky enough to find a temporary (or maybe somewhat long-term) job at a book publishing company.

Now, before you get too excited, I'm not a newly discovered writer or some sort of marketing guru... I'm a lackey. A grunt lackey. I receive order lists, and I fill them. Then once those are filled, I take more order lists and fill those. I also pick boxes up and put boxes down. I lift boxes, move boxes, stack boxes, shift boxes, pack boxes and cuddle with boxes. Okay, maybe I don't cuddle with them per se. But they are all around me, regardless of the word used to describe the relationship.

I received the job through a friend who I contacted about job leads... PRESTO! She happens to be working at the aforementioned publishing company and knew they needed help. I quite enjoy it... even though I'm a warehouse Joe, I get to have lunch with nerdy editors and writers and bibliophiles, and I get to play with one of my favourite things in the world: books! Okay, not so much play as move and pack... but again, use whatever words you want.

The facts from the previous entry haven't changed... all still remain as they were. It's been raining here for the past two days, but at times the rain feels like an old sweater that was recently found... not necessarily beautiful or even comfortable, but a part of me regardless of what it may seem to be from an outsider's perspective.

Have you ever felt like you're trying to find your way back to yourself? It's a strange feeling, considering I never thought I was lost in the first place...

T

The tides

So many things have changed in life. Previous blog entries haven't touched on them, as I feel as though I need to keep a certain amount of myself away from this forum. I've told stories about my friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances and random people who I've encountered in my life. But I guess I feel as though I need to keep some things rooted in reality. Although this "home" of mine isn't fiction, it's not any sort of holistic account of, well, anything. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I see and experience and understand in my own worldview is vastly different from the person sitting next to me on the bus. We may have the same pick-up point, and even the same destination, but our experience on the 40ft limo is night and day.

My life has seen a drastic change in the past year. Although I haven't talked about it here, many personal challenges have arisen. They've caused me to challenge my understanding of myself and my actions and motivations and beliefs. They've uprooted the things that I thought were cemented into my understanding of life. I am constantly wondering (and sometimes worried)about the man I've become, and the man I want to be, and the life I was living and the life I dream to live. When I really asked myself the question, "Who am I?", I was confronted with a polarized response of certainty and uncertainty.

I know this is vague... it's intentional. Because in my own ego-centric world, it's a way of putting down what I have thought about and talked about but have neglected to record (publicly, anyway). Writing has always been a release, but lately (as in, this year) I've felt so overwhelmed by the emotional trainwreck I've experienced that writing hasn't been enough. So I'm hoping that this forum will help creative a more self-reflective environment where I can challenge myself and my own thoughts and come up with some way of navigating in this mess of a life.

A couple of facts about this whole thing...
I'm an Islander again.
I'm alone (even when surrounded by people).
I'm not working in my academic discipline.
I'm poor.
I'm constantly facing bouts of fate-inspired angst and sadness.
Even in the sun, it feels like rain.

You know what I HATE?

Okay, a bit of a rant for the night...

One of my absolute biggest peeves is unreliable people. I'm pretty easy-going... I fully realize that people are busy and that sometimes, even when I want them to, they can't make plans.

This is fine with me.

What I can't handle is looking forward to something, making plans for days, sometimes even weeks, then having people back out the same night with some shitty last-minute excuse. If you've got better things to do, fine... bugger off and go do them... but don't make me fucking wait around for you while you do your shit and then break the plans made.

This summer I seem to have encountered more of this then ever before (or, at least, it's happening all at the same time). Tonight was a fantastic example... I've been waiting for weeks to go watch the UFC pay per view. I'm a big fan of mixed martial arts and love to watch the Montreal fighter George St. Pierre. It's his title defense tonight, so I made plans a week ago to go see the fights with a couple of guys I know. They wanted to go grab beers and watch them with me, so I planned out a time and the three of us agreed.

Today, I received a call saying that one of them was going to be a bit late. This I can handle. Then, the other guy let me know he was going to be running late too... again, no problem. So I wait patiently until about 7:30 (30 minutes after the fights have started) and I get a message from the one guy saying that he might not make it because he's at his aunt's b-day party and a bunch of his family is there. Okay, you know what, that sucks but another guy is still coming. So, I wait for another 45 minutes and am just on my way to the pub and I'm just about to call buddy #2, and I get a text message... you guessed it, he bailed too.

Now it's 8:30, the bars are jammed, and I don't have anyone to attend the fights with. Thus, I sit at home pissed off and I'm gonna miss everything.

This is stacked on top of the fact that I waited around all morning because my boss was supposed to call me so I could pick up my paycheque for the end of my summer of painting. I'm still on the coast for a week, but I finished painting yesterday and he said he could clear up what he owed me. I also knew he was in a golf tournament this afternoon so he wanted me to pick it up before he had to go to that. Fair enough... no problem.

So I waited around all bloody morning. I texted him at 10:30 letting him know that I'm ready to stop by whenever he was good to go. I phoned him at 11:45 and left a voicemail saying that I'm around and ready. Do I get a call back? Nope. Not until 6:00! And I'm over the fact that he buggered off on me this morning, so I asked him when he wanted to meet up. He said he would be back home "shortly" and he'd call me so I could meet him. Over an hour later, still no word. So I texted him to see if he was home. I didn't get my cheque until 7:45 tonight, again waiting around for him.

Today was obviously particularly bad, but I can't tell you how many times I've waited around for phone calls or meet-ups and have been disappointed. Are people in their mid-20's fundamentally flaky? What the hell is up?

Not impressed, people. If you commit to something, just fucking commit. I can't handle the bullshit of wasting my time waiting for disappointment.

I guess I've said my piece... I think I need a beer.

T

Walking home in the rain

It's been quite a long time since I last walked home from the pub in the rain. Since it wasn't really rain more than a light sprinkle, it was quite an enjoyable walk home. I hadn't seen a friend of mine in quite some time, and since she'd broken up with my close friend, we hadn't really spoken. It was really good to catch up and have a good chat over some drinks, and then enjoy the walk home. I always talk about it, but I really miss walking places... it's just something I enjoy.

After a steak, some drinks with friends and a rain-filled walk home, I'm ready for bed. Left coast, I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone again.

T

200 posts and all things left coast

I guess it's been a couple of years of self-indulgent story sharing on this little blog o' mine. Some days it feels as though I have endless amounts to share with the world at large, and other days... well... there's a reason why I don't have posts for days on end.

Since I've been out here on the Left Coast for over a month now, I thought I'd list my Top Six things in Victoria that I just love... some involve activities, others are places to eat, and still others are just nice locations/things. Don't get bogged down in the order... there is no particular order. I'll try to add another four soon, but I've gotta run to work soon so I don't have time to make a full Top Ten list. Let me know what you think...

1. Sunday brunch at the Shine Cafe. I haven't been able to fit in a brunch here yet, but believe you me, I will soon. There's a lovely selection of eggs benedict that I tried to work through from top to bottom while I was still living here. I think I made it, but I think I should try again :) Oh, and I love the first picture featured on the "Pictures" page.

2. Fisherman's Wharf. This quaint little float-home community on the outer edge of the inner harbour is a great place to grab a coffee, walk around, get some delicious fish and chips, and even feed Sammy the Harbour Seal. Just lovely and one of my favourite places.

3. The Noodle Box. My favourite take-out place, well, ever. The Spicy Peanut Noodle Box is just simply delicious. I've been a couple of times already.

4. Oay Bay Marina. My aunt and uncle have a boat out here, and although they don't take it out on the water nearly enough, it's still a great place to either hang out, watch the local seals who mooch food off the tourists, or grab a coffee and walk around.

5. Cook Street Village and Moka House coffee shop. Although I've never lived down in this neighbourhood, I've always wanted to. The area allows me to embrace my inner-hippy/yuppie, while enjoying the most delicious of coffees. Again, just lovely. Moka House was pretty much my second home for the first few years I was out here and although it's changed a bit, it's still a place I feel at home.

6. Beacon Hill Park. I've been doing some running down along the water near the park, as it has some of the best views in the city and there are dogs and kite fliers and kite surfers everywhere. The park itself is just lovely... and if you have a family, there's a petting zoo, ducks and ponds, and lots of places to play around. Definitely one of my favourite road-running routes in town.

Off to the coffee-cart I go...

T

Talent and inspiration

Periodically, I'll poke around my "friends" on Facebook and come across people I haven't spoken to in many months, sometimes years. Since I've moved away from Alberta, I've lost touch with many old classmates and friends that I always enjoyed seeing.

Just a few minutes ago, I saw that a few of my old schoolmates were sending messages to each other via the lovely aforementioned social communication device, and I came across Jane's website. I knew that she was persuing her artistic endeavours out east at a school in Ontario, but I haven't spoken to her in a few years. Obviously what I thought was simply impressive in high school has blossomed into something even more intense.

Although the site is under construction, I urge you all to check it out. You just have to go to her homepage... JaneRenyk.com

Just enjoy and let me know what you think. Jane, if you ever come across this page, I'm truly impressed.... all the best with your work.

T