Finding another place to start anew

"I guess it's time that I need to move on, then. I can't do it all on my own and you need to be a part of it, too."

It's been more than a year in the unmaking. But after 8 years, and struggling through the past year and a half in an effort to give us a chance to reconcile, no ground was made in moving forward. There has only been two continually separated individuals who cannot find a way back to a common path. So instead of looking across the apparently unbridge-able gulf residing between us, I needed to look forward at the uncertain road in front of me. I haven't really looked forward in a long time, as I was always looking for the point at which our paths would re-emerge out of the dark together. But now I see just one road in front of me and I have to learn how to navigate it on my own.

I hate it. I hate that I was forced by my own frustration and need to start living my life again to make the decision to walk away. I didn't want to. I considered just contenting myself with waiting some more. But I knew what was awaiting that decision... more bitternesss, more resentment and more unhappiness. And the words I spoke to her before I left couldn't have been more reluctant or more true. I needed to move on in whatever sense that meant. And so here I am.

I think I've been doing a lot of things lately to occupy my mind and distract myself from the resentment I have for K, since I've been fighting for so long just to have a shot at coming together again. And because of where she is on her journey, she simply and steadfastly refused. I know she felt some relief from my decision as she wasn't ready to put that nail in the coffin herself. But it took some responsibility and guilt off her shoulders so at least she's feeling a little more at ease.

I guess I am too. The problem is I still love and care for her deeply, and am still reluctant to believe that it may be over for good. I know the resentment stems at least partly from my inability to instigate some healing between us and to make her see that it didn't have to turn out this way. But none of my rhetoric could scale the walls she's put up. I'm still hoping that she'll come around one day, but I know that dwelling on that isn't going to be healthy, and I know that I must start pursuing some of the things I've shelved for a long time.

Lately, I've been goofing off and acting a little bit ridiculous... I feel as though I've suppressed many feelings and urges to go out and be slightly reckless, and now that I don't really have anything (but a bit of good sense) preventing me from doing so, I've embraced it a little. I think I realized that I need to centre myself again though, as I've been all over the place and have been running myself ragged. I've been ingesting a bit too much booze and not getting enough sleep and I feel like I'm missing a part of the old, more subdued me. I don't know if I've just been acting this way because I feel as though I need a change, or that I need to reinvent myself, but it's been happening regardless. So hopefully this week will be full of more quiet and solemn tendancies.

In a somewhat-related realm I've been looking into teaching work overseas and I may have even found something... in China! Over the past few months, I've thought about the possibility of moving away and travelling and using my teaching credentials to get a job overseas somewhere. One of the major reasons I entered the teaching program was for the potential to travel and see the world and get paid while doing it. Since my backpacking trip to Europe I've been wanting to see more of this amazing planet we're on. But after K and I got married, I was trying to think more pragmatically and only vaguely considered moving abroad for my career. We had talked about kids at one point (so that was an obvious consideration) and financially it was going to be challenging (due to my heavy student loan debt). I also thought that K would likely not be able to handle a change from mainland (or van isle) BC to a place like Japan or Bahrain or Korea. Maybe I underestimated her, but I knew how hard it was for her to move to Victoria with me and then to Kelowna. And there were no cultural limitations to confront us when we arrived! I could only imagine how brutal it would've been for her to go to a completely different continent away from her family and be thrust into a wholly foreign culture. We looked into places like Belgium and France at one point (since she speaks French), but even then I didn't pursue things ardently because of the sense that I just didn't think it would be alright.

There was also the problem of establishing my own career... I had just finished my teaching program and wanted to build up some connections in Kelowna so I could get some steady work and start laying down some roots. This made me reluctant as well, since I wanted to be pragmatic for the both of us. Stupid hindsight being 20-20.

Getting back to the talk about China... I should be hearing back from a man in Vancouver who's responsible for the recruiting for the BC Schools in China where I have some friends teaching right now. I was put in touch with the recruiter through my buddy DS, as he's been in Dalian, China for the past year with his lovely wife. There aren't any academic teaching jobs, but there's an ESL position open that I'm hoping to interview for. If things work out, I might be on a plane before the end of September! I'm extremely nervous and excited at the same time. I'm on the cusp of a whole new... I don't know what. But whatever it is, I'm excited to find out.

More on this soon.

T

Nonsense

This ghost inside me is weighing me down
I can feel every one of it's ten thousand pounds
I am trying to shed it, leave it behind on the ground
But at every turn, at every light, I find that I am found

I try to run far, but it follows in stride
Elusive as I am, it seeks where I hide
I kick and I scream but still it abides
At the end of the day, is it enough that I tried?

Last night as I walked it remained in the streets
And ignored my attempts at swift foot retreats
"No matter what happens, I'm chained to your feet,
You're stuck with me, friend, until it's Death that you meet.

TM

Song

This song came on the radio tonight on my rainy drive home. Now as I sit out on my patio and wrap myself up in the lonliness, I hope you can embrace the sensation too, however morose...

Press play.

Not Enough

There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well

There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you loved
What you need
What you had is real

It's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It's not enough,
I’m sorry
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
- Our Lady Peace

And so.

No ellipses on this dark day
It's all rain, no sunshine, but finally a white flag
Don't trick yourself or misunderstand
This isn't the "finally" of us walking hand in hand
This is the white flag of the dreaded, feared defeat
In which the two of us could not find a place to meet.

I walked out in that thunderstorm
Bottle in my hand
Wondering why you couldn't come around
And why I had to take a stand
Now I have no choice
But to walk another way
To move on to the dreams
I'd lost in yesterday.

My friends tell me I'm not alone
But you're no longer there.
The solidity of our former life
Has vanished in the air.

T