Picking up what remains

As a prairie fire, you've torn through all the safeguards I had in place and you threaten to jump the fireline I burned in my own flesh to keep from going up in flames again. There are currently moments when all I want to do is scare you off, wave the flames in front of your face so you startle and dash back to the place from where you crept so many nights ago. I wake up drenched, not with rain but with the sweat and anxiety of uncertainty, my mind changing frames faster than a movie playing in perpetual fast-forward. And I sit, paralyzed, wondering if I have the courage to take back what I feel is being stealthily stolen from me as I sleep.

Maybe this is all a big misunderstanding. But at my door you remain. And the fire burns on. And there's still no relief... no rain.

T

The walk away

It's 3am, the sky is black
But baby, I ain't sleepin'
All my strength ain't strong enough
To keep away this dreamin'
Every time I close my eyes
My mind just keeps on racin'
And I'm wonderin' if I have the strength
To fight against what I'm feelin

I need to walk away, run away
And leave it all behind
I need to walk away, fly away

You tell me sorry, that it ain't you
And tomorrow's a better day
But there's just too much on the line
The price is too high to pay
So pick your side and show your hand
Your bed is where you'll lay
'Cause if you've shown me everything
There's nothing left to say

Only the walk away, this walk away
There's nothing else to do
I need to walk away.
I need to walk away.

T

Lamplight

It's another evening in the lamplight, listening to the frozen rain lightly click and tap against the window glass. It covered my jacket just a few minutes ago, but now slowly drips to the floor in minute lakes that will be gone by the time the morning comes. No light reaches that part of the floor by the shoe rack, so they dry in silence. The weekend has found me full of contemplation as one nearby has been forced to acknowledge a whole world of emotion that she's been burying for years. Both of us are wondering how to proceed. 

When confronted with death, no matter what the scenario, it's hard to avoid looking inward. In her case, she was hit with it as if being hit directly in the chest with an avalanche. I can only assume that she's feeling the equivalent of a suffocating pressure as she considers what to feel, what to do, what's expected of her. The irony lies in the answers to her anxiety... the expectations are meaningless, the decisions will come with time, and the feelings are no more than what courses through our veins. We can't always choose how we feel, but we always have control over how we react.

While's she's confronting questions of mortality and reconciliation, I once again consider what's passed... I consider the power of a face-down photo in the far reaches of an ill-used room here and how it's discovery can manipulate perspective. I consider the power of my words and my deeds as we near the holiday season. And I think about those who are with me now and those who lie in bed an ocean away. I wonder about will come in future days... months... years. I think about how simple life used to seem and how I felt that if I could only get a hold of one given aspect of life, that it'd all make sense. Strange how fleeting that control and understanding ends up being (that is until it's too late, of course).

I wonder about humanity, both mine and that of others. I wonder about my place in this community and the bigger community of my life. And I'm continually regarding my own needs (and neediness) with curiosity.

As the rain continues to tap away, I attempt to roll away to sleep. Let words be my balm to soothe my sleep.

T

On the inside

Crawl deep down inside yourself
It's safer to be alone
Curl up real tight and hide for a while
Ignore all that light you're shown
Shut out the world and cradle the pain
It's taken you this far
The only hitch is that you forgot
Exactly who you are

T

Butterflies

It's like I'm living on the cusp of a shadow
Or on a cliff over a cloud
Impossible to see what's immediately below me
A butterfly tempts me to step off
Take flight

The thought in my head 
Is "Stay back from the sun, my boy,
It's no place for you
And your wax-fixed wings"
So I stall
And ponder

I wonder if the beauty
Is merely fleeting
And what that winged beast holds for me
So I stay

There was another butterfly long ago
Who convinced me to fly
And only after I let go
After I jumped
Did I drown

Or so it seemed

But as I pen these words
I realize
That it was that moment
Where I finally learned to swim

T