Boxes in closets

I used to listen to all those
Radio friendly love songs
Thinking about how everything seemed to be
Just right,
Moments were a postcard, 
A framed black and white portrait 
In an art boutique
On a quiet street
Or hung askew
On the walls of the bedrooms
Of young lovers...
Moments depicting 
The moment I was living in
The one I was dreaming in
Those words 
And their music
And the penned sense of hope
Were a part of my story...
Were telling my story.

I listen to them now
And it's all memories...
Dusty photo albums
In shoe boxes
In the dark
Alongside love letters 
And mementos 
From the summer fair
Or a Saturday night movie stub...
Maybe a quietly penned note 
Slipped into the warm pocket of a wool coat
During the first snowfall of the year.

These songs 
Are all nostalgic talk 
And thoughts about the way
Things used to be
The way shutters 
Clicked 
And 
Caught 
Happiness in a flash.

Fortune's wheel keeps turning
Dependably and relentlessly 
Rolling over itself, 
From the crest
Where you can live inside pleasure
Singing these tunes 
Of celebratory romance...
To the bottom
Of desperate memories
Clinging to long forgotten boxes
Lost deep in the recesses 
Of abandoned closets
Holding all that used to be
Known to me.

Reflections on times long past

Over the past few weeks, I've received a few "friend requests" and messages on my Facebook page from people I used to know in high school. Often, I reluctantly accept their "invitations" because I feel it's the polite thing to do, only to delete them a month or six months or a year later because I'm just not interested in them being a part of my world. It's been years since any contact, and sometimes the contact wasn't wonderful to begin with. I've always faced this with some ambivalence, because it's hard to decide why I am reluctant or why I feel like I need to politely accept such invites when I don't have any common ground with these people and don't plan to be in their vicinity anytime soon.

The other problems lies within my mediocre (read: horrendous) memory. I've had friend requests from people, and I cannot even remember what they look like or in what way we interacted. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. Other times, I'll encounter people when I return to my hometown and I get them confused with others. I do it unintentionally, but my life has been pretty detached from southern Alberta for a long while now. After graduation, I made a whole group of new friends who continue to be in my circle now. There are probably fewer than 15 people who I contact who I went to high school with and still attempt to see when I go back home. And even the number of 15 is a stretch. I see maybe 4 or 5 and then leave.

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up this summer, and although I think I'd attend if I am in Canada at the time, I'm just not sure what's there for me. I was pretty involved in life at the school, but my friend group was always fairly close and fairly small. Sure, I knew tonnes of people, but I only considered some friends who I'd actually trust in any way. I just feel like many were just extras in the drama of my life. I'm positive this presents as arrogant, but that is my last intention. It was a time in my life where I was often looking for an intense connection and deep level of trust with these friends, and if I found that, they remained in my life. If not, I didn't go out of my way to make them a part of my life. Part of this was because of my lack of cool (I was never running with the super popular kids... I was mid-range at best).

I seem to still seek that connection. I need to find that comfort... that trust level. I'll be the first to admit this seems to happen with women more often than men. I'm not sure why, but I'm often much more guarded around guys than I am around girls. Maybe it's because I always felt (and still feel) threatened by other guys and it takes me a lot of time to let down that wall whereas I find it easier with women. Even though I'm perfectly capable of maintaining friendships with guys, it takes me a lot more work.

I look in the mirror and wonder what these people of my past will see. What does my university/work/life resume say about me? In what kind of box will I be placed by those who arrive at this reunion to reminisce? Will I be chastised by my failings? (I could be a real jerk to people I didn't like. I dread the image some people have of me if it's still based on my middle/high school persona.)

And I look in the mirror and wonder how I see myself. Sometimes the glimpse I get is not the glimpse of the man I used to know. It's not a bad sense that I receive... just an unfamiliar one. Needless to say it's related to the past eighteen months of soul searching. But what of it? Why all the questions about this question of identity? Is the "unexamined" life "worth living"?

Whatever the answer to these million questions, I remain.

T

New album I'm listening to...

I recently checked out John Mayer's new album, Battle Studies. There's a song on it called, "Who Says" that I'm a big fan of. It's kinda summing up a lot of the sentiment I've been feeling in previous months... 

"Who says I can't be free

From all of the things that I used to be?

Rewrite my own history...

Who says I can't be free?"

Check out the video.

Funny how I've always found some sort of soundtrack to the sentiments of my life. A lot of time I think I'm writing my own soundtrack... I just don't have the music to accompany all the words.

T

Trying

There's a million steps behind me
These shoes, they're wearing down
But I can't help looking back
Wondering if you're coming 'round

I've left the door open during winter
And the windows open through the rain
I keep checking the mailbox for your letters
But the postman tells me, "Nothing came."
When I tell you that I want you
To be the one making that call
It's because I'm just too tired
And the thing keeping me up is my back against the wall.

I keep moving forward like I told you
I keep trudging though the muck
Thinking maybe you'll walk right through that open door
And maybe experience just a little bit of luck

Stop telling yourself that you're letting me
Get on with my distant life
You gotta start fighting for me and taking chances
If you want to end the strife

I've been the one who writes you letters
And sure, you often reply
But if you want real hope, you'll put pen to paper
And show me that you're ready to try.
TM

Holding on to letting go

I had to let go
Of everything I was holding on to
'Cause it was burning me
Hurting me
Making me scream out in pain

I had to let it go
Because of all it put me through
I guess I reached a point
While I was reaching out to you
Where I knew
That until you were reaching back
Reaching out is the last thing
That I should do

Maybe there's still a glimmer
Just a shot
In the dark
But I don't see you striking the match
Or lighting the candle
I've been looking for
I don't know it you're just too scared
Or if you're angry or if you simply
Can't forgive and reconcile
Everything that's passed
Because I don't know anything
About you these days
These radio-silent days
That you keep
Out of my sight

You used to tell me that you'd want
Another chance one day
And I kept telling you
The chance you have is the one
You don't use

Stop fearing useless fears
And crying unnecessary tears
It's all at the tip of your fingers
It might seem hard
To hit the send button on that message
But it's the only way
You know it's the only way

I keep thinking that if you really wanted
A little more time
With me
Or if you had a bit of hope that maybe
Things could change
Then maybe you'd be the one
To seek me out
You'd step out of
These shade-drawn shadows
And away from the secret company you keep
Just maybe you'd reach out to me
But maybe, just maybe
You worry that when you finally do
You wouldn't find me reaching back
To you

The way you're going now
You'll never know

T