A few honest things

About me:

I'm quite confident about the person I am most of the time... however, when I'm in new settings (a new job, a new surrounding, a new group of friends), I become uncertain of how to act and resort to being either very quiet or overly chatty and sarcastic. Although I'm a sarcastic person and am very talkative, I definitely overdo it in these situations and put off an annoying vibe. Physically speaking, though, I'm very insecure... I'm always wondering what other people see when they see me, and even though I'm healthy and not wholly unattractive, I definitely don't think I'm all that much to look at.

I keep a lot of people at a distance, especially at work. I act a certain way and let people into my world on a limited basis, and at work, there are rarely those who inhabit my inner circle. For me, work is work and my life is something else. Now, I don't want to be misunderstood... I very much enjoy the people that I work with (most of the time), but being who I am, I don't generally pursue close friendships with workmates. Few make the transition from co-worker to someone I'd consider a friend, and there's really few who I'd consider close friends in my life. Those who I do consider close generally receive semi-regular contact from me and I try to touch base with them in person as often as possible. Typically it takes at least a couple of times out for coffee or beer to shift from acquaintance to friend for me.

I can be extremely anal about certain organizational facets of my life, but am a bit messy in my home... I pile clothes up around the house and am not bothered by general untidyness. A dirty house is one thing that I don't like, but having things askew doesn't irk too much at home. I guess I grew up in a world of chaos when looking at this very thing (for any of you with a mother who does crafts and has some pack-rat tendancies, you likely understand what I'm talking about), so I'm typically not bothered about strewn clothing or messily piled papers.

I'm lucky in many parts of my world. I have an amazing family, some absolutely wonderful friends, and I think I have a good appreciation for life in general. I've had to deal with some crap in my life, but I've been able to find a lot of good out there, even when I'm in pain. When I'm out running or hiking, I'm always trying to take in the scenery and really embrace what's there. I love making children smile and making people laugh and have a good time. I like knowing that people respect the job I do. I like knowing that I've changed someone's life for the better. I know I'm not wholly altruistic, but I try to be good and do good things as often as possible.

I'm one of those people who is often taken advantage of... I always want to do things that will make other people happy (since I get enjoyment out of this). And I hate getting in confrontations and would rather just do something myself or figure out a way to solve something myself rather than cause a rift or make something uncomfortable. In essence, I'm a bit of a pushover. I will stick to my guns when something is important, but if I'm indifferent, I generally do something for someone else before taking care of myself. I sometimes wonder if it's this very thing that has contributed to my independent, island-located state at this point in life.

Even though I'll do everything in my power to do the right thing, I don't put my all into a lot of things. I'm generally not a focussed person in the sense that I forget things easily and often go through spurts where I'm intensely interested in something, only to forget it soon after. As far as work goes, I figure out how to do everything decently well, but I never push myself to excell. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I'm a bit flighty with things... I don't know. I guess it's often the fact that I know I'll be moving on, so why bother. I think the only thing I invested myself completely in was, well... her.

Enough self-indulgent sharing for the night. Sleep calls.

T

What a morning

I went to bed a little later than I expected last night... after a meal with the housemates, I went to have a beer and play taxi for my cousin, who had spent his night drinking rum and playing Guitar Hero with friends. After dropping him off, I was contemplating whether or not I'd make it out for a run in the morning... I'd found a running group that apparently met every Saturday morning at Thetis Lake Park, and since I haven't done any trail running since being back home on the mainland, I was getting the itch. However, the last few days have seen some really uncertain whether, and with wind/rain warnings in effect yesterday, I thought I might just sleep in.


As I woke up this morning, I looked out the window and noticed some blue sky. There wasn't any rain and the sky looked like it was going to cooperate. So I grabbed my gear and met the club out by the lake this morning at 8am.


What an unbelievably beautiful run. The sun came out and cut through the trees. The rain stayed away and the trails were pleasantly moist. They were a bit slick in some places (due to the high presence of rocky sections), but it was an absolutely spectacular run. I kept with the slower group for the first part of the run, then scooted up and joined the quicker group during a break. I finished off with a tempo run, led by one of the running club's regulars, and was ACTUALLY steaming upon completion. STEAMING! It was pretty much perfect, and I was able to enjoy scenery that looked like this:

The trail was covered in fall foliage, and the intense smell of leaf rot mixed with earthy moss was everywhere. Afterwards, I met some friends who just arrived from out of town for breakfast at a local diner, and just arrived home to shower and do some laundry before heading to work.

With everything that life has thrown at me this year, there are still some pretty wonderful sunshiney moments to dwell in... sometimes you just have to be ambitious enough to strap on your shoes and take to the trail.

T

Mornings unlike November

The fog was rich last night... so thick you could almost pull it into your mouth and squeeze the juice out with your tongue. It was a night for ghosts, for spirits, and for the lonely. It was as if you could get lost without taking a step, but it's very presence was ephemeral, fleeting. Each moment I tried to take it in my arms, it was gone like breath.

The fog's transitory nature showed it's face today (or, by very definition, did not show it's face today), and I woke up to a sky of sunshine beating back the clouds... clouds wanting to share their load with the city in form of fairyland tears. This autumn on the coast has been anything but autumn-like. Days of sunshine and warmth have punctuated the typical and continual gray that generally hangs over the island at this time of year. The ocean's storm season will soon be here, where the winds will force the waters to crash upon the shores and drench those people unlucky enough to be running down a peninuslar boardwalk or get caught upon a marina dock. The sea during this stormy time is not patient, and will not politely wait until the area is clear.

A memory... reading a book by Douglas Coupland... story's scene presents a seagull standing on top of a heap that used to be a building. The building had been bombed and was now just a pile of rubble. The comment? Some along the lines of... "Even though we can clearly see the destruction, to the bird, it's just... the world." ( I know I butchered it, but the sentiment of the quote remains, I think).

Throughout literature, the weather has been personified in various ways, and has been used as a metaphor for countless things... a person's luck, the state of society, crime and punishment in our human world. So I guess the weather is acting as my own metaphor... the sun trying to shine through when I know it's supposed to be raining. Since moving to the coast in the first place, I've always said that I've always only needed a day or two of sunshine during these dark months to get me through to the cyclical rebirth of life in spring. I guess, too, the same goes for my personal life... as long as I can catch a glimpse of the metaphorical sunshine and find some reasons to hope, I'll be able to walk on.

Thus, since the sun is my cue... on I walk.

T

Week(non)ends

Although the weekend was here, it wasn't really a weekend. To be a week"end", the week must, in some functional way, actually come to an end. But working two jobs puts me in a position where the weeks don't really end... they just continue and fade into one another. I'm now on approximately18 days of work in a row, and there's no break coming for at least two more (but will most likely be, well, next Saturday if at all).

Don't get me wrong... I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I'm out here in order to work as much as possible and, to a certain extent, work myself into a state of forgetfulness. I want to limit the time I have alone to myself so I don't get caught up in the world of despair that has claimed me off and on for 9 or 10 months now. It's so easy to get caught up in the messy details of trying to navigate such an emotional mine-field, and lose focus on the long-term, especially when it feels like the long-term goal may be, in fact, an ever-fleeting pipe dream. I don't allow myself to actually believe this, though, even though the feelings do happen to make an appearance from time to time.

Like I was saying, I'm not trying to indulge in self-pity... I've been very fortunate with work. Both jobs I'm working right now have been set up through personal contacts and neither employer has actually seen my resume. This doesn't generally happen, especially to me. But this year has seen fortune shine in this way. And luckily, too, I haven't let down my friends who went to bat for me and I think I've successfully shed any fears that I may be some sketchy hack that didn't actually deserve a job in the first place.

I also found out yesterday that I was offered and accepted a job that I interviewed for recently. I haven't worked in this area in any real way in, well, my entire life. But experience be damned! It pays well, should be a good amount of hours, and is something completely new to add to my employability repertoire. It's actually in the medical/micro-biology field, and for those of you who know me, you'll quickly wonder, "who the hell would offer that bookworm a LAB job?!?!" I thought the same thing myself, since the last scientific endeavour I participated in was a brief attempt at a first-year Bio class at the U of L which I promptly dropped after receiving the lowest-possible, non-failing grade available at the time... 49.5%. Scary, I know. But I like to think I'm a bit brighter these days and as long as I'm shown what to do, can pretty much carry out any basic task know to man. I think I'm trying to become the most employable guy in Canada by working and getting experience in as many different places as are available. Med school here I come? Well... lets not get ridiculous.

In other news, I'm officially finished The Book Thief, and as I expected, I was not disappointed. It was a moving book and although I didn't come out a different man, I may be a slightly better one. If you have the chance, pick it up... well worth the read for any reading level.

More words call, as I'm beginning a new book tonight. So off I run into another non-weekend-Sunday-night. Until again...

T

True

"I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right."
- The Book Thief

Sharing...

I recently said that I was planning to use this venue in a bit more of a self-exploratory manner. So, since I penned this quickly just a few minutes ago (as my mind was reeling, as is generally the case when I take pen to paper), I thought I'd put it up here. I know it falls on a terribly uninspired rhyme scheme, but it's easy to put words into a predetermined form. And since I'm not pursuing any intellectual pursuits here, it just doesn't bloody well matter. There's no title.


Today was just another day of ongoing radio silence.
But I guess that it's a welcome break from the constant verbal violence.
I'm down on my knees daily hoping that again you can see me
For the man you used to love, and with whom you'd always be.

Now days gone by are stretching out
Into weeks and months that are filled with doubt.
You still won't tell me if you see me
In your waking hopes or your hope-filled dreams.
Darling why won't you let me in... it's colder than it seems.

Often I get to wondering if there's a pattern to this scene,
And if I'm just the latest victim in your dramatic uncertainty.
I wonder when the dykes had broke, and when you began to drown
And when you decided that pushing away was the only way around.

Now days gone by are stretching far
Into months and wishes made on a star.
I wish you'd tell me if you could see me
In your heart, in your soul, in your loving plea.
Baby, please won't you let me in... I'll be all you need me to be.

-TM

Words... words... words...

I haven't been reading it quickly, but my most recent book of interest is The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. I've been reading a lot of books about stealing it seems like (considering one of the ones I read this summer was The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland).

Anyways, it's been another enjoyable foray into the world of YA Lit (or young adult lit for those not super big on acronyms... any teacher or government worker loves to indulge in the creation of acronyms, I think... it's just a really elaborate way of saying something that isn't particularly complex in the first place). I've really liked a lot of the YA books I've read in the past, and interestingly enough I have two more in the plans to read next. The next one will likely be Maus II: And Here My Troubles Began by the cartoonist Art Spiegelman, and The Lit Report by a local Victoria writer (and one of my co-workers at my new job), Sarah N. Harvey. I'm excited for both, but really want to finish The Book Thief first.

I'll say more about the content matter soon, but here's just a taste of one of the lines that has made me fall in love with the book...

"He made three separate formations that led to the same tower of dominoes in the middle. Together, they would watch everything that was so carefully planned collapse, and they would all smile at the beauty of destruction."

T

Another word... or three

I realize that my previous entry was a touch on the morose end of the emotional spectrum. Okay... it might have been more than morose. It may have been plain sad. I guess I was on a bit of a self-pity trip, which I try to stay away from as often as possible. Often, I wonder if sadness just breeds more sadness, and whether indulging in melancholy only contributes to melancholy. Isn't the idea of catharsis the release of such emotion? If such is the case... then why does it remain?

To turn this page to a somewhat more positive note... In all the muck I've had to wade through, there have been some blessings (some silver ribbon encircling the situation, if you will?) that have found their way to me. Although I'm still not working in the profession I attended school for, I was lucky enough to find a temporary (or maybe somewhat long-term) job at a book publishing company.

Now, before you get too excited, I'm not a newly discovered writer or some sort of marketing guru... I'm a lackey. A grunt lackey. I receive order lists, and I fill them. Then once those are filled, I take more order lists and fill those. I also pick boxes up and put boxes down. I lift boxes, move boxes, stack boxes, shift boxes, pack boxes and cuddle with boxes. Okay, maybe I don't cuddle with them per se. But they are all around me, regardless of the word used to describe the relationship.

I received the job through a friend who I contacted about job leads... PRESTO! She happens to be working at the aforementioned publishing company and knew they needed help. I quite enjoy it... even though I'm a warehouse Joe, I get to have lunch with nerdy editors and writers and bibliophiles, and I get to play with one of my favourite things in the world: books! Okay, not so much play as move and pack... but again, use whatever words you want.

The facts from the previous entry haven't changed... all still remain as they were. It's been raining here for the past two days, but at times the rain feels like an old sweater that was recently found... not necessarily beautiful or even comfortable, but a part of me regardless of what it may seem to be from an outsider's perspective.

Have you ever felt like you're trying to find your way back to yourself? It's a strange feeling, considering I never thought I was lost in the first place...

T

The tides

So many things have changed in life. Previous blog entries haven't touched on them, as I feel as though I need to keep a certain amount of myself away from this forum. I've told stories about my friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances and random people who I've encountered in my life. But I guess I feel as though I need to keep some things rooted in reality. Although this "home" of mine isn't fiction, it's not any sort of holistic account of, well, anything. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I see and experience and understand in my own worldview is vastly different from the person sitting next to me on the bus. We may have the same pick-up point, and even the same destination, but our experience on the 40ft limo is night and day.

My life has seen a drastic change in the past year. Although I haven't talked about it here, many personal challenges have arisen. They've caused me to challenge my understanding of myself and my actions and motivations and beliefs. They've uprooted the things that I thought were cemented into my understanding of life. I am constantly wondering (and sometimes worried)about the man I've become, and the man I want to be, and the life I was living and the life I dream to live. When I really asked myself the question, "Who am I?", I was confronted with a polarized response of certainty and uncertainty.

I know this is vague... it's intentional. Because in my own ego-centric world, it's a way of putting down what I have thought about and talked about but have neglected to record (publicly, anyway). Writing has always been a release, but lately (as in, this year) I've felt so overwhelmed by the emotional trainwreck I've experienced that writing hasn't been enough. So I'm hoping that this forum will help creative a more self-reflective environment where I can challenge myself and my own thoughts and come up with some way of navigating in this mess of a life.

A couple of facts about this whole thing...
I'm an Islander again.
I'm alone (even when surrounded by people).
I'm not working in my academic discipline.
I'm poor.
I'm constantly facing bouts of fate-inspired angst and sadness.
Even in the sun, it feels like rain.