The tides

So many things have changed in life. Previous blog entries haven't touched on them, as I feel as though I need to keep a certain amount of myself away from this forum. I've told stories about my friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances and random people who I've encountered in my life. But I guess I feel as though I need to keep some things rooted in reality. Although this "home" of mine isn't fiction, it's not any sort of holistic account of, well, anything. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that what I see and experience and understand in my own worldview is vastly different from the person sitting next to me on the bus. We may have the same pick-up point, and even the same destination, but our experience on the 40ft limo is night and day.

My life has seen a drastic change in the past year. Although I haven't talked about it here, many personal challenges have arisen. They've caused me to challenge my understanding of myself and my actions and motivations and beliefs. They've uprooted the things that I thought were cemented into my understanding of life. I am constantly wondering (and sometimes worried)about the man I've become, and the man I want to be, and the life I was living and the life I dream to live. When I really asked myself the question, "Who am I?", I was confronted with a polarized response of certainty and uncertainty.

I know this is vague... it's intentional. Because in my own ego-centric world, it's a way of putting down what I have thought about and talked about but have neglected to record (publicly, anyway). Writing has always been a release, but lately (as in, this year) I've felt so overwhelmed by the emotional trainwreck I've experienced that writing hasn't been enough. So I'm hoping that this forum will help creative a more self-reflective environment where I can challenge myself and my own thoughts and come up with some way of navigating in this mess of a life.

A couple of facts about this whole thing...
I'm an Islander again.
I'm alone (even when surrounded by people).
I'm not working in my academic discipline.
I'm poor.
I'm constantly facing bouts of fate-inspired angst and sadness.
Even in the sun, it feels like rain.