Anything but a restful night

As per usual, I was at the school about an hour before classes were supposed to begin. Only a few students had arrived, most of them unaware of what happened less than a day ago. I walked from the bus stop, head down, trying not to scuff my shoes as I walked in the front doors. The doors seemed heavier today, as they heaved open with the press of my weight on the handle. I got up the stairs, noticing that my backpack felt much more full than usual, but I knew in the back of my mind it was just because it was today. Monday. Still April, the month of showers... but just barely. It's the last day of the month.

I followed the same routine I always do... up the stairs and into my prep room/office. Bags (two of them) slung off my shoulders and onto the floor by my chaotic work station. I'm not the most tidy guy, but you already knew that. I set up my computer and for a few moments, stared blankly at the screen before hitting the power button. I don't usually just stare, unless I had a restless sleep, but even then, it's limited. This one lasted longer. Again, I knew it was just a side-effect of today.A few emails were checked, others were sent, still others were ignored. I felt okay but a sense of apprehension had been growing inside me all morning. My coffee was sweet and creamy, with the remnants of steam rising from the surface of the liquid. It tasted as it usually did... I love (and need) my morning coffee, but my stomach didn't seem to have the same affection for it. I just hoped the feeling would pass. I caught myself staring at the mug, senselessly avoiding the work that was piled before me. I purposely left it for the weekend, since I knew I was going to be coaching all day Saturday and Sunday. But today it would remain where it was. Dust wouldn't gather for weeks.

I could hear the clicking of footsteps on the floor as someone approached the door. I wanted to guard it, lock it, keep myself inside. Why would I want to see people? I just wanted everyone to leave. Yet, the absurdity of this sentiment collided strongly with the desire to talk to someone, anyone. The feelings did not contradict each other... they strangely agreed. D walked in, asking if I'd received the message from our principal last night. I replied with a nod, but little else. My eyes were fixed on her to see how she was feeling, how she was coping. She's a rock, I thought. Strong, fully ready to cope. I knew this was rubbish, but it was the first response that came into my head nonetheless. I could see some reaction in her, but for my sake she was keeping it together. I couldn't. I thought I got it all out last night, but I didn't. The tears came back, but I knew they were allowed. Today, anyway. Maybe not always, but definitely today.

I had just started to feel better, more together. Then L showed up, noticing that I was obviously upset. Then G, then others. I told the story for those who didn't know. I did my best to get it out. Others shared their stories. But, since it was still a work day, people kept going about their days. After a bit of alone time, I was feeling a bit better. It didn't last

The announcement came over the P.A. I knew about the meeting already, so I went and washed my face so I could meet the rest of the staff downstairs in the main staff room. As I stared into the mirror, I laughed... I'm not the most dashing man when I have eyes full of saline. It was brief laugh, but it was a laugh all the same. After towelling off my face, I made the walk downstairs and down the hall to the staff room. Most people were already there. Some were talking in hushed whispers while others were uncertain what the meeting was about. Our principal walked in with some strangers in tow, and addressed the group. "Sorry to meet you on the Monday morning with this sort of news..." His voice started getting more and more faint, like an echo. Maybe it just seemed that way to me. Still, I knew what was coming. "...the student was killed after being hit by a vehicle on the highway yesterday morning." The man with the crisis intervention team took the floor. I began counting the number of tiles on the floor. The pattern was regular. Predictable. I glanced up periodically to find at least a few pairs of eyes on me. "For those of you who didn't teach or know this student, we're passing around a picture..." It began across the room. The black-and-white travelled from hand to hand, quickly and efficiently, but respectfully at the same time. It came around closer to me... I was leaning on the door frame, as far away from the nucleus of people as possible.

Then I caught a glimpse. It was obviously his school photo... his blond hair was short and simple, and his smile was surprisingly large. I know so many kids who just purse their lips or try to look cool. I remember years when I did the same. But I couldn't take my eyes off the picture. It kept transferring from one set of hands to another, slowly approaching, creeping. I turned sharply when it came to within about five feet. I tried to be subtle when I left, but when you exit a staff meeting in the middle of something like this, subtlety is the last thing you can achieve. I had to get out, if only for a moment. Things just got too big, like an older brother who sits on your chest waiting for you to say uncle or tap out.

Still, people were there. Helping. Hugging. Consoling. I'm not the only one who lost a student today. Why, then, did it feel like it? But the staff were good to me. "You're just a baby", one said affectionately. I think she might have been right.I was at home when I received the news Sunday night. The call came later that night. 10:30'ish. I was on the phone with a friend living in the lower mainland, and we were catching up on all the things that have happened over the past few weeks... coaching, teaching, goofing off, etc. She was excited, since she just landed a contract for the last 2 months of the year at a school she loves and where she did her practicum last year. Then the phone beeped... I saw the name of my principal on the caller ID and instantly got nervous. "Why is he calling on a Sunday night?" I asked myself. Why was he calling at all? I picked up. He apologized for calling late and potentially ruining my Sunday night. Then he gave me the news. I was stunned and didn't really know how to react (or even believe it was real), and before I even realized, I had hung up. After clicking over to my friend, I said I had to go. I hung up again. The tears came uncontrollably. I woke K and told her the news. And I cried some more. She cried with me. Then came the numbness. Later, some sort of sleep arrived, but I was so restless before that happened that I got up for a few hours of TV before trying to get back to bed.

There's a TOC in my class right now. It's one of my other grade 11 classes. I just don't think I could handle it, being there, facing them. Even now, a headache is starting to press on my forehead, not willing to just disappear into a memory. How do you prepare for this? What does teacher training do to get us ready for losing a student? Very little, I know. The rest of the coping is equally as uncertain. I'm not sure if there's ever any preparation you can do. This was one of the school's students. My students. And he's gone. It seems like a definitive statement. But in reality, it's all questions.

- T

Meme/Survey from Cibi (from, uhh.... a long time ago)

This is from months ago, but I thought I'd post it anyway...

Name a movie you have seen more than 10 times.
Ummm... probably The Princess Bride. Speed probably gets on that list too (I was obsessed with it when it first came out... I was young). Dead Poets Society makes the grade as well.

Name a movie you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.
I'm pretty sure I saw Independence Day in the theatres two or three times. Otherwise, it's pretty rare.

Name an actor who would make you more inclined to see a movie.
Kevin Spacey would be my number one. John Cusack and John Malkovitch... and maybe the chubby kid from Superbad. Mark Wahlberg would probably make the list as well. And ever since I've seen The Departed, I'd probably go see a new Alex Baldwin flick because he was absolutely hilarious in it. Then there's some others for different reasons... Halle Berry, Jessica Alba, and maybe a few others. :)

Name an actor who would make you less inclined to see a movie.
These days it would be Ben Stiller... I used to love his movies, but he's hard to watch now. Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Damme (too many ridiculous movies that I watched as a kid... I'll watch them if they're old and blatantly cheesey).

Name a movie that you can quote from.
Pardon the language, but one would be, "Fuck you, batteries!" from the movie Once. I can recite huge amounts of Russell Peters' stand-up comedy... a number of Shakespeare movies (due to teaching them)... "Who is Kaiser Soze?" from The Usual Suspects... "My name is Inigo Mantoya... you killed my father... prepare to die" + "'Inconceivable!' 'I do not think that word means what you think it means'" from The Princess Bride. I'm sure there's more.

Name a movie musical from which you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.
Ummm... this is a sad admittance, but I know a tonne from "Hairspray". When your wife subjects you to tens of hours of the soundtrack on trips to and from Alberta, it's unavoidable.

Name a movie to which you have been known to sing along.
Pretty much any Disney movie.

Name a movie you would recommend everyone see.
Crash, The Usual Suspects, Little Miss Sunshine, The Departed, Superbad, Seven, Dead Poets Society, Once.

Name a movie you own.
I just bought Hoodwinked and Crash.

Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
I'll go with cibi... Will Smith. And Mark Wahlberg.

Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?
A bunch on road trips to Montana when I was a kid... some kids movies... maybe Land Before Time?

Ever made out in a movie?
Only once in public... it was awkward.

Name a movie you keep meaning to see but just haven’t gotten around to it yet.
Rent.

The reason I haven't gotten around to it yet is that I can never remember the titles.Ever walked out of a movie?
Yuppers. But only twice.

Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
I pretty much broke down in Crash when the Latino locksmith was about to get shot and his daughter came running out.

What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?
Umm... don't recall... something sappy, I'm sure.

What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Drama, action or comedy.

What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
Land Before Time 1

What movie do you wish you’d never seen?
I've seen a few bad ones... Cruel Intentions II was probably THE worst.

What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
Being John Malkovitch. It's messed up.

What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
I also don't watch Scary Movies, but I also enjoyed The Blair Witch Project (judge if you must).

What is the funniest movie you’ve seen?
Old School is still a favourite, and I like a lot of new cartoons (Shrek, The Incredibles, etc.)

Survival

Well, I'm not the demi-God of teaching. I'm not the future saviour of the profession either. But, the final report was good, and I think I've officially survived and weathered the storm of the Internship. Sure, I have P/T conferences next week (on the same day as my district interview), I still have to receive my final report from 2/3 sponsor teachers, and I have a stack of marking that may reach the ceiling, but officially, I'm done. DONE! Weeeeeeeeeee. I know there's a long way to go, but as of May 4th, I'm an official employee (temporarily) of the district and will be put on the TOC list for the remainder of the year for my remaining days off. It's kindof lovely.

But I can't dwell on that today... my volleyball team is playing in provincials today, so I hope all the work I've done with these 15 year olds has paid off and we light up the gym. Wish me luck! I'm hoping for top 10, but that'll be another update for another day.

- T

Post-script: I need to make sure that I don't take all the credit for my pictures that I posted the other day... I took some of them, but many (most) were actually taken by my lovely wife, K. I forgot to mention that... sorry hun!

Thus begins, the day of judgment...

It's my final evaluation from my university advisor today. In essence, this report will make or break my teaching career. Although I'm not terrified, there is an unavoidable stress that goes along with any evaluation. Particularly one of this magnitude. I guess I just have to wait and see what is to come.

“The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck.”
- R. W. Emerson

- T

The finish line and other such nonsense

I'll be completing one of my classes as of tomorrow. TOMORROW! I'm ending a unit with a research project and a unit test, and other than the marking that will accompany said test/project, I'll be done that class. So on Friday, I'll be down to two classes, one each day.

Then, next Thursday I'll be dropping another class, which means that I will only have one class remaining to take care of from that point foward (for the last 6 weeks until exams, so realistically I'll only have approximately 12 classes remaining that I'll be responsible for until the end of the term/exams week). And then the real challenge begins... getting me a job somewhere!

Over the past few days, I've come to realize that in all the stress, anxiety, and pressure I've had to deal with, that I made this choice for a reason. I didn't think I'd be the one to lose sight of it, but I really did. I have always wanted to inspire a love of literature in others, but over the past few weeks/months, I've lost sight of that. I was talking with two of my students last night and I mentioned that I didn't dislike any of the students in the class. Sure, I've disliked their actions from time to time, but not them personally. I've even thought to myself how they act like this or like that (not in a positive way) and how frustrating it can be. But when I take some time to look back on it, I really do enjoy being here. Some of it is ego... I do enjoy being in front of people (I'm surprised I didn't get more involved in theatre), but a good part of it is my sincere enjoyment with these young adults. They're intriguing, they're interesting, they're sometimes unpredictable, they're unruly, they're charming, they're sometimes a walking headache. Still, I see these students in the hallway or in my class or at a tutorial and I think that I'm pretty lucky that I get to experience all of this. Teaching is definitely not for the faint of heart. All jobs have responsibilities, but there's few that assume the responsibility for the lives of 30 minors... and not simply their lives, but their moral, emotional and intellectual development. If that's not overwhelming, I don't know what is.

My goal for these next 8 weeks: to find a kernal of the passion that I had when I walked into this school, and to do my best to understand these people that are forced to look at me for guidance, for leadership, and for development. I sometimes forget what my role is. I can only hope that if I can come to regain an understanding of what the role is supposed to be, than I can do something to win over those who are uninterested and lacking motivation. How? That is TBA...

- T

Macbeth, CSI, and the first days of the rest of my life

Connecting curriculum material to the lives of students is probably one of the greatest strengths a teacher can possess. These days, if they material being taught in a class doesn't directly influence or link to a kids life, it could be very easily forgotten. Sure, this doesn't happen in all cases... for a lot of kids, the fact that it needs to be remembered for a test or quiz or assignment is enough. However, for a huge number of students, they simply don't care too much.

Thus, I am able to talk about one of my addictions: CSI. Shakespeare might as well be Greek for some kids. They couldn't be less interested. It's difficult, time-consuming, often frustrating, and takes place so long before their existence that many simply don't see a point to it at all. However, you spend a good deal of time connecting it to crime dramas that appear on prime time TV, they actually get an idea of what's happening. And really, MAcbeth is a perfect case of a ridiculously thick-skulled criminal who is effected by bouts of random hallucinations and is obsessed with the prophecies that come from a bunch of old, scary, bearded ladies. I don't know about some other people, but he's a big bucket of crazy, and there are lessons to be learned.

Changing gears slightly...

I officially have 10 days of student teaching left before I'm officially done my teaching program. Sure, I have to teach one of my classes to the end of the year, but I'm done 2/3 and can start making some money. Which is lovely. But in these last 2 weeks, I really have to pull out the stops in order to make my one sponsor teacher happy. And that is going to be a difficult task. She's not only uber-intelligent, but she's crazy organized, super-ambitious, and has the big picture structure down pat. I think from the time that she started that she was a natural at all of the above talents, and this whole teaching thing came fairly easy to her. I also have no doubt that even though she has the odd off-day, she's about as committed and focussed as anyone around. She's really like a super-teacher... although she's hard, she does an excellent job. However (of COURSE there had to be a "but")... I'm terrified as to what she's going to write about me. My university advisor and her sat down for over an hour the other day while I was teaching, then neglected to tell me what went on. Also, my visit by my advisor immediately following this wasn't super-wonderful. It was one of those, "You've improved so much at X, Y, and Z this year T! But..." The dreaded "but". For those of you who aren't involved in teaching, this is a killer phrase. In reality, one mediocre teaching report can ruin the chances of getting a teaching position in the district I'm working in (particularly since everyone knows everyone). And although I think I'm competent and relatively well-liked, I'm absolutely terrified of the possibility of receiving a "but" on my teaching report. I've hit more or less every single trait listed on our teaching reports to a reasonable degree, and for this I'm happy. However, this one sponsor may put that dreaded "but" in the area of planning and organization which may hurt me. Even though I probably did more planning that 2-3 interns did together. I have no doubt that others worked as hard or harder than I did, but for one single sponsor, I did more work for her than I did for all my other ones combined.

I definitely struggled with the planning and lesson prep. It hasn't come naturally to me and I still have moments where I get caught up in all the stress and I stop doing the job I know I can. And any friend of mine can tell you I've NEVER been the most organized guy in town. K could tell you this over and over. But over the past 8 months, I've come a long way and I feel like I've improved 10 fold in so many ways. Still, I'm not sure it was good enough for my sponsor. And it seems like no matter what my other sponsors say about me positively, her questions and constant challenges make me feel like I'm totally letting down her and the system as a whole. I don't think this is true, but it still lingers in my mind.

I know I only have 5 more classes with her, and that I've just gotta push through. But when I walked into this program, I thought I'd be a natural at every aspect of teaching. I thought my personality would provide me with a walk on easy street. My, how wrong I was. I'm definitely doing okay, but I do have a ways to go. And teaching is not one of those occupations that you ever totally get down. The kid factor is simply too great to be totally effective. And so I'm finishing these last few weeks with mixed emotions and can't get over the stress that I've been feeling over the past 2-3 weeks. It's like a constant anxiety to do something I'm incapable of doing.

At one point, I think I talked about Diogenes of Sinope who would walk around the Athenian Agora carry a lamp in the middle of the day. When asked what he was doing, he responded by saying that he was searching for an honest man. I really identified with him, and still do. However, over the past few weeks I've identified with another figure of Ancient Greece... a man by the name of Sisyphus. In The Odyssey he is mentioned to have been punished for trickery. His duty was to push or carry a boulder up a steep hill. However, whenever he reached the top, the rock with slip out of his grasp and roll back down the hill. This was his eternal destiny. I feel that sometimes teaching is similar... just when we think we have things under control, that boulder slips, and soon we are at the bottom of the hill trying to figure out how to get that boulder to the top. The one difference is the rewards throughout the journey are ever-present in the eyes of the students we teach. I sometimes forget that I'm not pursuing this career for me... but for the students I'll be teaching. It's hard to keep that in mind sometimes.

- T

Addition from previous post...

a) I forgot to add the picture of the fox cubs and...

b) After doing an image search online, it looks like the fox we saw was a "Silver Fox"... not to be mistaken for the slick silver foxes that prowl through peeler joints and over-25 clubs. This vulpes vulpes is the real deal.

c) Finally, a few more pictures that I'd just like to add...

You know you're in a tourist town when...

A mini-getaway and three weeks remaining

Before Christmas time, I mentioned to K that my most memorable presents/gifts were things like trips or vacations or the things we did around the special occasions that usually involved gift giving. She was always getting disappointed about my reaction to the things she got for me as presents... although I was always excited, I'm pretty hard to get really riled up regarding gifts. So, she took an alternative approach and paid for a night up at Sun Peaks Resort, which we were finally able to take this past weekend.

It's off-season for this ski destination, which is just fine with me. I'm definitely more into the quiet vacations where I don't have to fight crowds and there's no rush to get anything accomplished, and this night away fulfilled exactly that. Not only was it beautiful and refreshing, but it was quiet... we were one of three rooms that were booked between the two buildings at the Pinnacle Lodge, and nearly the whole town is shut down until May Long Weekend when things begin to open again for the summer tourist season. We were able to enjoy the scenery, the quiet, and the outdoor hot tub (which was completely deserted). Needless to say, it was about as enjoyable as a one-night vacation gets. We also got a first hand look some type of fox and it's cubs, which were playing near the roadside and popping in and out of their den. If you can identify the type of fox, let me know because I have no clue what kind it is. The pictures of the pups are blurry... my apologies..

I can't wait to go on another trip... we're hoping a camping trip with some good friends is upcoming at the end of June, so my fingers are crossed. With gifts like this last trip, I think I snagged a pretty good lady.

On a completely unrelated note, I only have three weeks of practicum time left until certification... craziness!

- T

Hate the flaw, love the flaw victim?

I absolutely despise my shortcomings. I think the worst part, however, is the fact that while I'm indulging in these shortcomings, I'm completely unaware of, or completely unwilling to change, said faults. One of these things is talking too much (surprised, anyone?). Another is a terrible sense of time. If I'm not constantly looking at the clock, I'm so completely prone to losing track of time that I'm late for things or I completely underestimate the amount of time it will take me to do something... anything, really. Many of my friends have referred to my world working on what has been dubbed, "T-Time", which differs drastically from Standard Time. If Standard Time dictates that Activity X should take 10 minutes, T-Time will mean it will probably be 15 or 20. If I ever told someone 6:30, they could expect no problems if they arrived at approximately 6:43. If I say I'll meet you in 20 minutes, don't worry if you don't get there for 30. This turns into the obvious issues of always being late and never providing myself enough time to do things.

I'm absolutely certain this was one of the main factors that prevented me from earning my million when I was painting on a piece-work system two years ago. And it also directly impacts my teaching, since teachers have to learn to budget their time extremely well in order to get through the intended lessons and curriculum. When looking long-term, I'm not terrible, but in the short term things are absolutely awful. I'm sure I get this from my mom (since my dad has had to deal with the fact that she's late, or, at least not early, well, ever), since it seems like her genetics have pretty much hit me like a tonne of bricks since I was kid (fair skin, early hair loss, average height, bad joints, propensity to gab, atrocious memory) and they continue to manifest themselves quite regularly. And really, I blame my mom's genes for all the obvious things which she suffers from that I see in myself. I've always wondered how certain sets of genes can so overwhelmingly control the fate of one offspring... not quite like the pea pods and curved thumbs that we studied in high school biology.

The point of this is really to say that, in my slow attempts at getting ready and putting my life in order before heading out the door, I realized I was late and that I was going to miss my bus. Which I did. Which is why I'm stranded here at the University, waiting for the next bus out to my sponsor school. Oh joy, oh bliss. I think I'm just trying to make excuses, because I find that things are easier to accept when you don't have control over them. Maybe not all things, but I've got a pretty large Hakuna Matata attitude, so I find that its pretty easy to deal with. Particularly those things that make you feel like a big moron. Oh well... not much I can do at this point in the game. Thank goodness for silent reading at the start of class.

- T

Do you ever have days...

... that seem like they go on forever? Today is one of them. If only I had some clever quote about being kicked in the teeth with a golf cleat then having the victime smile because they're optimistic. I don't think this makes sense. G' night.

-T

100 posts

I think it should be a celebration!

Okay, maybe that's a bit absurd. If I were to celebrate my own incessant rambling, it would be like celebrating how much I love myself. And, well, that's simply a bit strange. And egocentric. And just ridiculous. So I won't. But this is post #100... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Now that I'm finished with that, onto other things.

I used to be a voracious reader. I had a strong appetite for a variety of fiction (usually Canadian) and loved spending time at coffee shops on my own just enjoying the fact that I'm alone and I'm okay with that. Needless to say, it's been a long time since I've had a chance to enjoy that sort of time. Between school, work, social and familial committments, there's not a massive amount of T-time left. The odd walk and time on my own either browsing the internet or doing schoolwork is about all I have. Not that it's anything to cry about, but I sometimes miss the days where I could put in my headphones, go for a walk down to the local java hut, and just lose myself for three or four hours eavesdropping on a variety of interesting and not-so-interesting conversations while DMB filled my ears and the smells of chocolate and coffee grounds and toasting sandwiches filled my nostrils, all the while getting lost in the adventures of Timothy Findlay or Douglas Coupland. It's just been a long time since I've been alone.

And it looks like this weekend might be the first time that I have that time. Time to work on my resume, waste time watching crappy TV, drinking coffee at a shop that I've never been to, and just getting my mind together. Sure, it gets a little lonely and I'm a bit of a social butterfly, but I've always been fairly good at being on my own. K might be heading back to visit her family again this weekend since they recently put down a rather large creature of the bovine family which has been turned into a wide variety of choice cuts that are coming to my deep freeze at the most reasonable of prices (and they need to be picked up and brought out here). K wants me to go with her for the drive, but I've been going somewhere and doing something every weekend for the past 3 months, and it might be nice just to have the weekend off. Of everything. Including 16 hours in the car, even though I thoroughly enjoy car rides with my hunny.

So, I guess here's to a year of blogging, 100 rants, and a self-indulgent attempt at immortalizing my less-than-exciting life. I only hope that a little pleasure comes from this from time to time (for my 3 or so readers per day!).

- T