Take your words

I'm the first to admit
And the first to be taken aback
When you make beautiful music
Whether it be filling a stairway when you think you're all alone
Or when you're joined in unison
By countless other soaring voices to fill a concert hall.
It cannot and does not
Change the fact that when I listen to your songs
My heart breaks
And it's impossible to place my hands upon
Anything but the sadness
Concealed inside all the interstitial space
In my soul.
Your voice, when it carries on the wind to my ears,
Brings rain and cloud
And an inability to escape the tapping on my tin roof
Of course it's possible that such sound can be soothing
But those constant raindrops hold the power
To break the stone sculpture in the garden
If given enough time.

So take your songs
And take your words
And keep them to yourself
Before they shipwreck me on some unseen rock
Or maroon me upon some unknown isle.
Take them so I don't have to drown.

T

Arbitrary titles

I'm all alone in the crowd around me
And I'm lost in the haze of all this sunshine
The wake you left when sailin' away
Has left me wonderin' will anyone ever be mine.

If you can ever find the time
Send me a postcard, but don't spend more than a dime
Take it as a simple sign
That there's no reason in my rhyme.

T

Platform

The wind's picked up and the sky's gone black
While the strangers, they're still staring.
The train doors stayed closed and tightly chained
While I remained alone, still waiting.

I bought a ticket and it remains in hand
But it's an anchor, not a buoy
It pulls me down while keeping me still
And I get left behind like a childhood toy

But worse than that, it was conscious decision
Of the conductor to leave me be
He saw me on the platform, ready to go
But he said he was settin' me free

I asked myself why I couldn't be
The author of that decision
A voice piped up and told me clear
That I couldn't commit to such a decision

So I guess on this platform with bag in hand
Is where I'll have to stay
While I grow a spine and wile away the time
Wondering, if I see her, exactly what I'll say

I don't know what to say
I can't find what I want to say
Find your words and tell me
Everything you want me to say.
On this platform is where I'll stay.

Balancing...

... is what I attempt to do in most aspects of my life. Whether it be my eating habits, my fitness regimen, or my work-to-play ratio. But lately it seems like it's been a challenge to balance what I want in the now and what I desire long-term.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night about such things, and she echoed my sentiments in many ways. We both went through times where we were with people for a while but knew in the backs of our minds that it wasn't going to be "it". And even though the companionship and comfort was there, it wasn't enough. My most recent real relationship ended for this reason. And although I'm happy with my decision to move on, I still often crave the companionship of someone. In small moments, weaker moments, it feels as though anyone will do. But I know me well enough to know that it's just a temporary solution (a scratched itch) to something buried much further in the recesses of who I am. I often crave the attention and companionship of others. I often seek out such connections, and with my closest friends I hide little and reveal much. But friendship can only go so far, especially at the age I'm at. With every calendar year, another marriage takes place, another apartment is packed up and transplanted in another part of the country or world, and another soul returns to the place from whence it came. Although these things don't take away the experiences that have been had, they often change or take away what could be. So like building a house on sand, things shift and become unstable. And so here I stand. Nothing but my shadow beside me.

A few people that have met me since my divorce (and even since my recent break-up) have asked me if I regretted anything about these relationships and how they ended or what happened in the pain/frustration of their wake. And my response continues to be the same: no. And I try to think about my life in general and I really have few things I regret. I've said foolish things in my past where some people have been offended or hurt, and there have been nights that I wish I hadn't indulged in that final whiskey, but I have few decisions I actually regret. Regret implies that you wish they wouldn't have happened. And even in the most brutal, shame- or rage-filled events of my past, I've always taken something away from it. Sure, I've thought about how I could've done things differently or reacted in another way to various things, but I continue to find these moments being the moments where I learn the most about myself (and sometimes about those around me as well). When I finally took off my wedding ring for the last time, I knew I was making the right decision for me, no matter how broken I felt. And as I said goodbye to the last companion, I likewise knew that it was necessary and I hadn't found what I was looking for quite yet.

I think that the time over this past week of holidays reinforced these sentiments a lot for me. I traveled south to Shanghai on my own, knowing that few familiar faces would be around and knowing that I'd have a lot of time living in my own head. It's definitely something I sought out and pursued, so it's not something I feel any sort of resentment toward. But this self-isolation doesn't cease to bring up the same feelings... that being able to share your experiences and your life with another person is something valuable. And it's something that I continue to seek. It's not a desperate need or a anxiety-inducing hope. It's just something that lingers in the silent moments, in foggy days, in glasses of wine or in the glance of a stranger.

The picture below is from my trip to Borneo and Mount Kinabalu. Seemed to fit. Until again...

T