Where we find ourselves

The last year has seen a great deal of transition in my own life and the lives of those around me.

Before I get to everything else, congratulations to my friend L.G. (Ciboulette), who just publicly announced that she's been avoiding bloggo-world because she's pregnant! That's awesome, so congrats to you and Mr. G!!!

This is just one of the things that has happened in the past year that has proven to me over and over again that I'm experiencing an extreme state of flux. Friends are in med school and law school, friends are getting married and getting pregnant, my family has seen a great deal of change, and most obviously I've experienced maybe a day or two of uncertainty and randomness in the past year (think job situation, marital situation, location situation).

I'm hesitant to put a judgment on any of this change, other than I realize it's a necessity of life... you know, "life goes on", and all that other rubbish. But it's just been amazing to me that I seem to have stumbled upon a time when nothing is certain except change itself. I'm watching my life change around me, and I'm both extremely excited for, and exceptionally weary of, what will happen next. In a lot of ways, I seem to be finding some sort of clarity in my life when all things in it are chaotic. I've heard of research that says being around moving water initiates some sort of neural connections and that people often think better around moving water. The way things are going, I'd say that the constant movement of the world around me is enough to provide the same sort of awareness.

I haven't come to a huge number of steadfast conclusions, but I have a better idea of what my life is going to be like, and what is important for me. I still haven't gotten a handle on all of my emotions, especially relating to my separation and my uncertainties about my chosen career path that I'm planning to pursue in the fall, but I'm starting to form ideas. One day at a time.

On a somewhat separate but somewhat related topic, I am planning to run the BMO Vancouver 1/2 marathon at the beginning of May with a friend and her partner. I've been trying to get out running at least 2-3 days a week, and I actually just got back in a little while ago from my now-regular Saturday morning trail run. It was pouring rain and dark outside my window this morning, and I really considered calling my Saturday cohort to cancel, but I knew that it would pay off if I just dragged my backside out of bed. And again I wasn't disappointed. Even running in the muddy rainy-ness that was today out at Thetis Lake park, the smell of wet foliage and fresh mud were enough to keep me going. I have hopes to start doing some kayaking at one point soon (I've never been before), so I'll attempt to keep up to date on that venture.

Although there is still cloud outside my window, there's a big delicious day out there waiting for me. Until again...

T

To the one I love

I guess I was just moved by the sentiment of the music back when you believed this to be a fitting song. We'd spent time apart before, but it felt unavoidable. We were both sorting out our paths in life, even as we walked them together. I guess that's how it feels to you. My main problem is we aren't on the same road together anymore... or, at least if we are, I can't see you through the fog and the darkness. I'm scared about the fact that we're going to have to start over, you and I, because we've been apart for so long. I can't simply come running back to you, like I thought I would when I walked out the door. The deep cuts need to be stitched slowly, but even though it's a long road ahead, I hope to walk it with you.

I indulge in life's mysteries a lot of days. I borrowed a mixed CD froma friend, and after one of the longest weeks of my life this week, I started playing the music on this gift from a friend. Since it wouldn't be right, and it just wouldn't be my life if something so coincidental didn't take place, and it just wouldn't fit if something so intensely personal to you and I didn't came on, that's exactly what happened. You and I both grew in love to this song and with this song. And now it's a song that speaks to me, and I hope that it's you singing the words. K, if you come by here, please listen to the song and to the lyrics, and find yourself in their sentiment. It makes me sad at the same time as making me hopeful. So...

Just press play.

T

Maybe

Maybe I have it all wrong
But I wish you'd set it right
and tell me how it is.
All I really want to know
is how we can find a way
To make it right again.
I refuse to let the sadness creep in
For more than a minute or two
Because I feel like it wants to stick around
And make itself at home in my misery
And not let me alone.

As I barred the door against the melancholy
Anger crept through the window quiet
At night... through the dark draughts carried
Into me by the winds of doubt and angst and silence.

And by the breaths of your rejection.

You say I've turned bitter and cold
But I've been trying to shut out the chills
Of this darkness, of this winter, of this rage
For days and days and days.

Why can't I just let it all go?
It's getting too heavy to carry this load alone.