We walk through life with mantras by our side... these undeniable, obviously fundamental philosophies on life that are unchangeable. We keep them securely in our pockets, ready for action whenever needed. They shape our decisions, and we live by their dictates. We say, "This is what life is supposed to look like," or, "I need this above anything." We all have them... some of us take on more subtle ones, and others state them for the world. Some are founded in moralist qualities that take on sports analogies ("It's not about whether you win or lose, but how you play the game"). Others take on more universal approaches ("It's all about balance in life"... you'll catch me saying this). Whatever the case, we buy into these personal outlooks and shape our lives accordingly.
But what happens when what we've told ourselves is something that is just simply untrue? Or, at least not true for everyone? And what if it becomes so hardened within our resolve to act in a certain way that we cannot see outside the tunnel? How is light supposed to squeak in when the blinds are so tightly fastened?
I've been thinking a lot on this, and the only thing I can conclude is that sometimes we need to believe that an outsider's perspective, whether wanted or unwanted, can be enlightening. Without going into the details, I would love it if some people would weigh in on this question:
Do you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with another person? Or is it possible to find personal happiness within the framework of a common happiness?
Let me know. And if my two or three readers can refer people to answer this question too, I'd really appreciate it.
T
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Newness
Arriving, like a fresh sheet of innocence draped over the city
Hiding away the blemishes and mistakes.
Sadness arrives alongside this sheet of innocence,
Knowing that it only takes days to turn into an ugly mess
Where the serenity is abandoned in place of a marked world.
The same happens with the season...
In the beginning, there is hope and friendship
In lights
In colours
In song
In quiet moments
But the quiet is soon disregarded as frivolous
And instead of basking in moments, frittering aimlessly
There are deadlines and schedules that arise
Like schoolmasters and pencil pushers.
Why so fleeting, this sense of rebirth?
How does it become so easy to be dragged to the depths of motion
Where it's easy to forget about
The need to stop for brief seconds and simply look around
When calendars and itineraries await to dictate the day?
T
Hiding away the blemishes and mistakes.
Sadness arrives alongside this sheet of innocence,
Knowing that it only takes days to turn into an ugly mess
Where the serenity is abandoned in place of a marked world.
The same happens with the season...
In the beginning, there is hope and friendship
In lights
In colours
In song
In quiet moments
But the quiet is soon disregarded as frivolous
And instead of basking in moments, frittering aimlessly
There are deadlines and schedules that arise
Like schoolmasters and pencil pushers.
Why so fleeting, this sense of rebirth?
How does it become so easy to be dragged to the depths of motion
Where it's easy to forget about
The need to stop for brief seconds and simply look around
When calendars and itineraries await to dictate the day?
T
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Musing
You used to always tell me that I smelled like the outside
Like the world out there, so cluttered and uncertain
Not like the world inside...
Where things can be ordered, expected.
You liked to tell me you liked the outdoors
But I think you liked the idea more than the reality
Because the reality was untidy
Messy
Unpredictable.
This was the worst part... the unpredictability.
You couldn't plan or forsee everything that was to come
Whether it was a mouse
Or a mosquito looking for blood
Or simply a crackle in the bushes
And you couldn't step outside yourself long enough to know
That in this uncertainty is life
Is experience
Is that which is worth living for
And that which is memorable.
When do we even remember the plans for something we did?
The memories are in the doing
This is also where the learning lies.
A plan is helpful, and often necessary.
We all need maps and directions from time to time.
But it's driving that is life.
The action.
You've been waiting for a chance to take life by the throat
To wrangle it by the scruff of the neck
Confidently
With strength.
But it's been beside you all along
Holding your hand
Waiting for you to lead
Now you realize that you need to walk and move forward
In some semblance of your own direction
But you continue to turn... round... in circles.
But why not? Sure. It makes sense.
Circles are just so tidy.
And if you never go anywhere, can you really get lost?
I guess only if you were lost to begin with.
T
Like the world out there, so cluttered and uncertain
Not like the world inside...
Where things can be ordered, expected.
You liked to tell me you liked the outdoors
But I think you liked the idea more than the reality
Because the reality was untidy
Messy
Unpredictable.
This was the worst part... the unpredictability.
You couldn't plan or forsee everything that was to come
Whether it was a mouse
Or a mosquito looking for blood
Or simply a crackle in the bushes
And you couldn't step outside yourself long enough to know
That in this uncertainty is life
Is experience
Is that which is worth living for
And that which is memorable.
When do we even remember the plans for something we did?
The memories are in the doing
This is also where the learning lies.
A plan is helpful, and often necessary.
We all need maps and directions from time to time.
But it's driving that is life.
The action.
You've been waiting for a chance to take life by the throat
To wrangle it by the scruff of the neck
Confidently
With strength.
But it's been beside you all along
Holding your hand
Waiting for you to lead
Now you realize that you need to walk and move forward
In some semblance of your own direction
But you continue to turn... round... in circles.
But why not? Sure. It makes sense.
Circles are just so tidy.
And if you never go anywhere, can you really get lost?
I guess only if you were lost to begin with.
T
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Knowing I'm a lucky man
I can't begin to explain how many nights I've looked up to the cosmos and thanked my lucky stars for how my life has turned out and how I've been blessed on this planet over and over again. I've met some wonderful folks, experienced some absolutely amazing things, and have fantastic, supportive, and wholly good people in my circle. In a world that is full of messiness and apathy and frustration, I can't help but think I've lived a rosy existence. I realize that this is looking through rose-coloured lenses in the face of my own marital strife, but who's to say that there aren't multiple faces to my life?
Last week, I'd planned a big night of cheesy fun with as many people in Victoria as I knew. I thought it would be a riot to accumulate as many people and thermoses of Christmas cheer (and as many tacky sweaters) as possible, and go out carolling for the night. I'd even planned on collecting foodstuffs for the Mustard Seed in town in order to have a positive outcome beyond the wonderful hilarity that would've transpired throughout the evening of sing-song fun. Because everyone knows that Christmas cheer and cheesy sing-songs inspire hilarity and rampant guffawing!
Alas, I was met with a lot of non-replies, a lot of "sorry, we're busy"'s, and a couple of more vehement, "I hate carolling so much it makes me itch!" responses. Out of the twenty or so people I sent an invite to, I had one... ONE!... one reply to say she was on board and even planned to bring a friend. And that was it. And then the friend didn't come.
Obviously, I canned the idea. However, my lone reveller-friend decided that we should still do something good to spread the Christmas spirit tonight, even if it was with our party of two. So, we did. We met at her house and walked downtown, found a man who was hoping for some spare change, and instead of giving him change, treated him to a coffee, a sandwich, a snack, and some warm conversation on this Thursday evening. It was all D's idea, and I was truly inspired by her sincerity and wish to carry this out. The idea was sparked by her desire to NOT give her soon-to-be god-daughter any video games or other material Christmas presents, but to write them letters detailing something they'd done in the child's name. Like tonight... after the warm chatter, we took a picture with the man known as Tracy, and D is going to process the picture and send a letter to her god-daughter telling her the story of this star filled, snow covered, beautifully cold winter night where we know that someone is just a bit warmer than he would've been otherwise.
I think about the people in my life, and I know that some of them are just genuinely inspiring for all sorts of reasons. D takes the cake this year... I don't think I know of anyone so willing to put herself out there and approach someone in this manner and do something so selfless and simple. And maybe it's somewhat selfish (since she and I both felt great about it afterwards), and maybe it's not going to solve the world's malaise, but it was something. And if there were more somethings, then, well, you never know.
So I sit here and smile, knowing that even though I'm dealing with a mess of crap, there are other things out there... other lives that are suffering... and if I'm able to lend a hand here or there, then I should. I walked up to my house tonight looking at the deep blue-black sky dotted with stars and semi-concealed in non-commital clouds, and I know that there are things to smile about everywhere.
T
Last week, I'd planned a big night of cheesy fun with as many people in Victoria as I knew. I thought it would be a riot to accumulate as many people and thermoses of Christmas cheer (and as many tacky sweaters) as possible, and go out carolling for the night. I'd even planned on collecting foodstuffs for the Mustard Seed in town in order to have a positive outcome beyond the wonderful hilarity that would've transpired throughout the evening of sing-song fun. Because everyone knows that Christmas cheer and cheesy sing-songs inspire hilarity and rampant guffawing!
Alas, I was met with a lot of non-replies, a lot of "sorry, we're busy"'s, and a couple of more vehement, "I hate carolling so much it makes me itch!" responses. Out of the twenty or so people I sent an invite to, I had one... ONE!... one reply to say she was on board and even planned to bring a friend. And that was it. And then the friend didn't come.
Obviously, I canned the idea. However, my lone reveller-friend decided that we should still do something good to spread the Christmas spirit tonight, even if it was with our party of two. So, we did. We met at her house and walked downtown, found a man who was hoping for some spare change, and instead of giving him change, treated him to a coffee, a sandwich, a snack, and some warm conversation on this Thursday evening. It was all D's idea, and I was truly inspired by her sincerity and wish to carry this out. The idea was sparked by her desire to NOT give her soon-to-be god-daughter any video games or other material Christmas presents, but to write them letters detailing something they'd done in the child's name. Like tonight... after the warm chatter, we took a picture with the man known as Tracy, and D is going to process the picture and send a letter to her god-daughter telling her the story of this star filled, snow covered, beautifully cold winter night where we know that someone is just a bit warmer than he would've been otherwise.
I think about the people in my life, and I know that some of them are just genuinely inspiring for all sorts of reasons. D takes the cake this year... I don't think I know of anyone so willing to put herself out there and approach someone in this manner and do something so selfless and simple. And maybe it's somewhat selfish (since she and I both felt great about it afterwards), and maybe it's not going to solve the world's malaise, but it was something. And if there were more somethings, then, well, you never know.
So I sit here and smile, knowing that even though I'm dealing with a mess of crap, there are other things out there... other lives that are suffering... and if I'm able to lend a hand here or there, then I should. I walked up to my house tonight looking at the deep blue-black sky dotted with stars and semi-concealed in non-commital clouds, and I know that there are things to smile about everywhere.
T
Monday, December 15, 2008
Christmas-y time in the city
The countdown has really started for most people. I realize that for some, it started months ago, but I'm one of those types who only likes to indulge in the seasonal reverie when the holiday is actually in sight. Now that we're at ten days left, I believe that it's time to get into things.
This is the first Christmas season that I won't see Alberta at all. Since K and I got married, we've been splitting the holiday week between our families. I haven't minded this (beyond the initial guilt-tripping and sense of frustration felt among family members), but we were still in southern Alberta all the same. This year, due to new work commitments, I couldn't arrange to receive time off so on the Island I remain. I am disappointed that I won't be able to spend the holidays with my immediate family (and with K's family), but since I was able to see my parents, grandparents and siblings at Thanksgiving, I feel as though I can survive until February (when I'm hopefully going to be able to fly out for a visit).
I won't be totally family-less though... my aunt and uncle and cousin will be hosting Christmas dinner and my other cousin will be flying out from Halifax with her fiancee to spend a week out here as well. And I also have numerous friends who have already invited me over, so I may do a bit of house-hopping over the few days-off I have to say hellp to my friends and their families.
As a way of celebrating the Christmas spirit, I'm trying organize a night of carolling with the people I know from Victoria. I thought it would be a tonne of fun to get a bunch of us together to sing Christmas songs and embrace cheesy Christmas sweaters in order to show that we're thankful and just have a fun wintery night out. I'm going to try to contact the local food bank to see if we can incorporate a food/money drive at the same time. I've had a few "no"s and a few "maybe"s, but not a lot of definite commitments. Although I'm a bit disappointed so far, I know that people are crazy busy... there's so much to do and since most people don't get much time off around this time of year, they have a million errands they need to run and a finite amount of time to pull them off. So, I'm hoping that if I can get at least 6 or 7, that'll be a success in itself, and we'll just have to belt things out a little louder than we would with 10 or 15!
And just in case it wasn't feeling like Christmas just a few short days ago, the sky dropped a few inches of snow on us over the weekend, causing the fair-weather islanders to drive 20km/hr or find their cars in the ditch. This type of cold-weather driving doesn't bother me, but I sure wouldn't be going out of my way to battle the Malahat right now. And we even have sunshine to accompany the crisp whiteness. Who says that it's grey and miserable over the winter here??? :) "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."
T
This is the first Christmas season that I won't see Alberta at all. Since K and I got married, we've been splitting the holiday week between our families. I haven't minded this (beyond the initial guilt-tripping and sense of frustration felt among family members), but we were still in southern Alberta all the same. This year, due to new work commitments, I couldn't arrange to receive time off so on the Island I remain. I am disappointed that I won't be able to spend the holidays with my immediate family (and with K's family), but since I was able to see my parents, grandparents and siblings at Thanksgiving, I feel as though I can survive until February (when I'm hopefully going to be able to fly out for a visit).
I won't be totally family-less though... my aunt and uncle and cousin will be hosting Christmas dinner and my other cousin will be flying out from Halifax with her fiancee to spend a week out here as well. And I also have numerous friends who have already invited me over, so I may do a bit of house-hopping over the few days-off I have to say hellp to my friends and their families.
As a way of celebrating the Christmas spirit, I'm trying organize a night of carolling with the people I know from Victoria. I thought it would be a tonne of fun to get a bunch of us together to sing Christmas songs and embrace cheesy Christmas sweaters in order to show that we're thankful and just have a fun wintery night out. I'm going to try to contact the local food bank to see if we can incorporate a food/money drive at the same time. I've had a few "no"s and a few "maybe"s, but not a lot of definite commitments. Although I'm a bit disappointed so far, I know that people are crazy busy... there's so much to do and since most people don't get much time off around this time of year, they have a million errands they need to run and a finite amount of time to pull them off. So, I'm hoping that if I can get at least 6 or 7, that'll be a success in itself, and we'll just have to belt things out a little louder than we would with 10 or 15!
And just in case it wasn't feeling like Christmas just a few short days ago, the sky dropped a few inches of snow on us over the weekend, causing the fair-weather islanders to drive 20km/hr or find their cars in the ditch. This type of cold-weather driving doesn't bother me, but I sure wouldn't be going out of my way to battle the Malahat right now. And we even have sunshine to accompany the crisp whiteness. Who says that it's grey and miserable over the winter here??? :) "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."
T
Monday, December 01, 2008
Words penned in the dark
I take only a few moments near the darkened winter coast
Yet it's all I really need to refresh quiet moments in my mind.
The quiet, dark walk helps ease my soul, even when I feel like I'm on fire.
I travel back to moments in my mind where you and I walked quietly together.
I never will remember all the days we've spent just wasting away the time,
Pretending real life will come soon enough even as it's wildly by our side.
But I have enough moments and minutes, like photos on the wall,
That I see every chance I get when I wish upon my memory.
You find these clouds depressing, saying it's cold and they hide the sky
But its these clouds that help December stay warm and light up the city night.
You tell me that you're just not sure, and that you're really, truly trying...
But I'm the one walking these streets alone, wondering, wishing, crying.
Why am I feeling like I'm the one who's lost, who's gone, who's dying?
T
Yet it's all I really need to refresh quiet moments in my mind.
The quiet, dark walk helps ease my soul, even when I feel like I'm on fire.
I travel back to moments in my mind where you and I walked quietly together.
I never will remember all the days we've spent just wasting away the time,
Pretending real life will come soon enough even as it's wildly by our side.
But I have enough moments and minutes, like photos on the wall,
That I see every chance I get when I wish upon my memory.
You find these clouds depressing, saying it's cold and they hide the sky
But its these clouds that help December stay warm and light up the city night.
You tell me that you're just not sure, and that you're really, truly trying...
But I'm the one walking these streets alone, wondering, wishing, crying.
Why am I feeling like I'm the one who's lost, who's gone, who's dying?
T
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)