We walk through life with mantras by our side... these undeniable, obviously fundamental philosophies on life that are unchangeable. We keep them securely in our pockets, ready for action whenever needed. They shape our decisions, and we live by their dictates. We say, "This is what life is supposed to look like," or, "I need this above anything." We all have them... some of us take on more subtle ones, and others state them for the world. Some are founded in moralist qualities that take on sports analogies ("It's not about whether you win or lose, but how you play the game"). Others take on more universal approaches ("It's all about balance in life"... you'll catch me saying this). Whatever the case, we buy into these personal outlooks and shape our lives accordingly.
But what happens when what we've told ourselves is something that is just simply untrue? Or, at least not true for everyone? And what if it becomes so hardened within our resolve to act in a certain way that we cannot see outside the tunnel? How is light supposed to squeak in when the blinds are so tightly fastened?
I've been thinking a lot on this, and the only thing I can conclude is that sometimes we need to believe that an outsider's perspective, whether wanted or unwanted, can be enlightening. Without going into the details, I would love it if some people would weigh in on this question:
Do you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with another person? Or is it possible to find personal happiness within the framework of a common happiness?
Let me know. And if my two or three readers can refer people to answer this question too, I'd really appreciate it.
T
4 comments:
Hmm. Good question.
I think one needs to define "happiness" first. Definitely one can find more happiness or a new kind of happiness with another. But first I think she must be content with herself. I don't think she has to be complete, though. But I think if she doesn't know herself and isn't comfortable in her own skin, another can't really make her feel better. Perhaps another can superficially or in a different way, but there will always be that small twinge of insecurity/what if question. As in, "what if I hadn't met this person? would I have been better/worse?"
Okay, I'm going around in circles. Of course it's also possible and very probable and hopeful that she will grow within the relationship and learn new things about herself. But I think if there isn't that core bit of security and ability to enjoy one's own company, the relationship is on shaky ground.
Does that make ANY sense at all?!?!?
I'm here via Ciboulette. and here's what I think:
In order to be in a healthy relationship, one has to have at least a passing comfort with oneself. I really don't think it's possible to find long-term common happiness without having a strong sense of self first. Sure, we might think we're happy in a relationship where we "need" the other person, but further inspection would likely reveal that the happiness is terribly conditional, and that's not what good relationships are made of.
A while ago, I read a book called Confessions of a Pagan Nun by Kate Horsley. There was a quote in there that really hit me, and it had to do with the idea of how we treat ourselves in the context of our worship (and, by extension, I think, love):
Self-hatred seems to me to be an evil thing in itself rather than an antidote to evil. If we practice self-hatred, then the sacrifice we make of ourselves and our lives is not sacred, fir it is then a gift of something we hate rather than something we have nurtured and loved.
If we're going to give ourselves in love, ought that gift not be something that we treasure?
"fir" should be "for." Sorry...
I'm also here via Ciboulette.
This is a good question becuase I agree with Ciboulette, it depends on your definition of happiness. I also think your two questions are somewhat independant of each other.
If you are unhappy with yourself on a fundamental level. As in, you the whole person existing in this world, then you probably won't find happiness in another person. That is too much of a burden and too much to expect from anyone else. As the previous two people said, we need to be fundamentally happy and ok with ourselves.
However, there are definitely many ways that sharing a life with someone can bring more happiness or new kinds of happiness to a person. Say for instance, that I am a happy person on my own but coupling with someone allows me to experience marriage, children, etc. That is going to radically change life and possibly make me happier than before.
I also think that there has been so much emphasis on personal happiness these days that basic personal rights to happiness are confused with indulgence and selfishness. There is a lot to be said for self-sacrifice for the happiness of others. All great relationships are a mix of give and take (sometimes in differing amounts). You called this "a common happiness". The old couple happily married for 50 years has certainly shared a common happiness. I'm sure they found greater personal happiness through their shared experiences.
In the end, I think only you and every person for themselves has the answer to this for their life. Deep down I think we all know what we really want. Sometimes it is just hard to admit the things that we want or the things that are wrong - particularly when they are not things we have bought into as "personal outlooks"(as you said) in the past.
I feel I am now rambling...Very difficult question to answer. Good Luck. I want to know if you find a good answer to this.
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