A little understanding

You have such an advantage
Such an overwhelming advantage
Living your mysterious life
In whatever form it may take now
Whether it takes the form 
With another mysterious person 
Filling in all the spaces I know
Nothing about

But you get my life
In postcard sized stories 
Packed into neat boxes
Ready for you whenever
You have a whim to indulge 
And keep abreast of everything
That my life is becoming.

Sure, this ain't the complete life story
But we haven't known each other's stories
In a long, long time.

I've spent a lot of time asking
Myself a million questions
Wondering why you don't seem to be
Responding to any of the things I say
When you know that all I'm asking is
For you to just say something.
But you keep staying so silent
Away from the things you're running from.

It's so easy to start assuming the worst
When there's nothing other than silence
To fill the void and empty air you provide.
And it's pretty damn easy to give it all up
When you're talking to the wind.
You get all this understanding
And you won't let me understand.

Two

Things I've thought of and written about when songs have come on the radio recently...

One

It all started off so innocently, but it didn't take long for me to say,
"Hello beautiful."
And it was only a few minutes for me to decide that I was interested
In being a part of your life
Whether living on the outskirts
Or being front and centre

From that point on, we started sliding so quickly
Into everything you and me, and what we turned into.
We look back on the years that were creeping up on a decade
Wondering about where all the time went, where it all went wrong
But the problem began when we sprinted at the marathon
And ran out of gas
Before we could ever catch a breath.
We forgot about all the times we were supposed to reflect
And re-evaluate all that was happening between us
But instead we kept looking at everything but ourselves
While indulging in ever small moments

Where we could wrap our hands around love and remember the spark we shared
And knew that maybe.., just maybe we were still made for each other.

But I already know you're too far gone to be rescued
And rescuing's the last thing you want in this world
At least not from me, from the man that you formerly believed
Would be the one you'd hold onto and walk on with
So we're here but we both know we're not
And all this forgetting is what makes it feel impossible
That you'll ever have the courage to give me what I ask for
In any way possible.

_______________________________

Two

The problem was in the forgetting it all
And the misery we piled and heaped on our fall
In ignoring the pledge we made to each other
In front of our friends and to one another
The one about maybe just trying forever
To work side by side and never sayin' never
Now we not only have the geographical distance
But we live on opposite sides of an emotional canyon
And never will we find our way out of this mess
Unless...

But I can't really say I'm holding on to this hope
'Cause I've realized I'm alone at the end of this rope
So I'm hanging on tightly to the shreds that remain
Of the man that I was when you still said my name
With a sense of belief in what we still were,
So much disappeared when you became so unsure...

I know that I have to have the belief in myself
That I'm not gonna get rescued by anyone else
You make it hard to believe in things working out
But I can't always let you be my reason to shout
I opened up windows when you couldn't see the door
But you just felt the draughts and continued to ignore
All the times that I held a small branch in my hand...
You stayed right where you were and continued your stand.
There's light at both ends of the darkness you're in
But you remain in the middle without a decision
You remain on the rock that's nearby your feet
And you're losing one last chance to allow us to meet.

So here I do stand in this life made anew
But rather than fresh, I feel beaten and blue
I know that I walk a new, dream-filled path
But I can't help but mourn the death of our past.

T

Battling Philosophies

I'm a pretty stubborn dude. Most of you are likely reading this and asking yourselves why I point out the obvious. I do so because I seem to run into situations where, no matter how vehemently I present a perspective about something, someone will simply tell me I'm wrong (or even just ignore me). I don't even really need to convince them... just persuade them enough for them to think I have a reasonable position. This is generally enough to pacify the rise in blood pressure I face from time to time.

Most of the time, I like to think that I'm open-minded. I'm sure there are a few of you who are asking yourselves, "How can he kid them like that???". I'm sure I can think of instances where this is not the case, but I don't like to focus on those moments. I'm much happier thinking about the times where I think/know I'm correct and I've convinced people of a perspective. Ask my parents... they've known this passion (read: "obsession") for arguing and spouting off about things in a slightly (read: "ridiculously") enthusiastic and vehement way. Others have seen this as well. Anyway, enough about me...

I'm living in a country that doesn't exactly embrace this passion for conflict management. And I'm definitely teaching in an environment where I can see faults and flaws in a big system, and I've been told that I need to learn to just live with it. Of course, I've said it before: TIC. As you can imagine, though, this ain't no easy pill to swallow. I like to have my chance to voice my perspective and I like even more to convince people that things need to change (if, of course, I think I've found a flaw or gap). In China, this is not only discouraged, but it's systematically removed from the whole equation. It's not easy to bring up grievances when no one is available to listen. And the few voices who I expected to listen (read: my fellow foreign ESL teachers from Canada) have their own dictatorial regimes that they're unwilling to change. Or they're feeling drowned by this system so they tell me to move on and forget about it because the system is much larger than I can see and I don't have the power to fix. The only thing left is to work within it.

I understand the truth of this sagely advice. I also know I'm speaking very generally here. I guess I don't want to get too far into it for professional reasons, and so I'm attempting to get past it all. It's just not that easy. I'm already dealing with a variety of personal challenges relating to my life both in and out of the school (mostly out), and this is only compounding the frustration. Maybe I seek out this sort of conflict (because I sure seem to find it easily enough... maybe I pursue this sort of "safe" confrontation because it helps me battle my demons. I don't know.

There is a bit of sunshine in this rant. It's FRIDAY. And because the Chinese teachers are stuck at the school all weekend (our school is hosting a national meeting of Chinese public school teachers) there were some complaints among the staff and the admin is taking everyone in the ESL departments out for dinner. So the equation is such: Friday + Free Food = Satisfied T. Maybe life isn't so bad. Sometimes I just gotta wait out the rain. I don't know if it's time to come out yet, but I'm on the way.

T

A song to finish my run began with the line...

... "Can you believe in something bigger than what you left behind?"

I can only hope.

T

(Lyrics c/o Grace Potter and the Nocturnals)

As life changes

I've probably done more introspection and reflection on myself and my life in the past 18 months than I've done in the past 4 years. It's strange to see the places I've been to and where I've come from (and I'm not speaking just geographically). As with anything, though, the more I learn, the less I know. I have a lot of self-awareness to show for it... but I also find that some ideas and habits are hard to break away from, even when I'm standing toe to toe with them, screaming at them to let me be.

I think a lot of changes have been taking place in me recently. Not obvious, radical changes. Just quiet ones that help provide me with maybe a bit more insight into the habits and beliefs that have stayed near me for so long. I'm not a new man in any measurable way. The eyes you see (or those you imagine) are the same eyes I've always had. To a certain extent, the sadness still lingers in them. But it is not the sadness that determines who I am. Just because it exists does not mean that it is all that exists. I worried sometimes, though, if that would be the case. I also worried that my relationship status (or status lingering from my former relationship) would determine who I am from this point forward. And maybe for some people, it will. I can only do my best to deal with the heartache and the scars left behind in the wake of that part of my life, while I also do my best to maintain the best parts of who I was and who I know I am. Beyond that, I need to be honest about it all when I'm faced with questions about those pieces of me. It happened to me... it shaped me. But it is not me.

This is all flooding out of a recent experience where I realized that this past of mine may be important to others. Not in any direct way where I'm judged and sentenced according to it... but in a way that some may affect their perspectives. I know that it has been an hugely important formational (is this a word?) experience, and even though it is in no way the essence of who I am, it is something that will like impact my decisions and my relationships from this point forward. It matters... but in the way that our eating habits affect our health, or an injury impacts future performance. Past does not necessarily determine future. But it sure as hell has something to say about it. All I can do is be honest with me and hope that this honesty shines through the darkness that may be cast around it.

T

Thinking (One of those days)

This is just another one of  those days 

where I get to thinking about the past.

It's my fault, I know. I was the one reaching out.

I was the one who thought that a word, or a few, 

Would be enough of a bridge,

Enough of an opportunity

Even if it was just a song that made me think

Of a world I used to to know.

I know I have to be willing to consider

That you'll never take the first step,

Never be the one to send the letter

Explaining everything that's never been said...

The letter that would explain away all the silence

And all the sadness and all the things you've 

Come to realize.

Even if this realization is that you're ready 

To say goodbye.

I guess I can't change someone's history

Unless it's my own.

And I guess that this wishing is simple vanity,

Because the silence is all you know.

I've tricked myself in believing that I have the power

To change your mind.

But I know that I 'm just kidding myself...

I must not be what you're looking to find.

T

Happy Bachelor(ette)'s Day

I'm in one of my grade 9 classes this afternoon, and the kids were snickering and laughing a bit at the start of class. Not knowing what was going on, I just smiled, said hello and began speaking to the class. We talked briefly about their midterm grades (which they just received today) and I asked them if they knew what holiday it was back in Canada. Laughingly they responded, "It's 11-11 day!" I said, "Yes, it's November 11th. But do you know the name of the holiday in Canada today?" Still sniggering and giggling away, they started speaking in Chinese to each other, trying to figure out the right way to say it. I could tell that what I had in mind and what they were thinking were two different things.

You may ask, what is the first phrase that comes to their mouths? "It's Lonely Person Day!" By the confused look on my face, they realized that "lonely" might not be the right word. I asked if they were sure that they had the right word. Then one of the students piped up, "It's Single Person Day!" Again, looking confused, I wrote it on the board with a question mark to see if I had it right. It turns out that yes, it is in fact "Single Person Day", or "Bachelor's Day". I tried to get them to explain the day to me, but the only thing they'd tell me (with smiles and nervous laughter) is that it's a good luck day for single men (but maybe not for single women?) because of the four "1"s that come up in the numerical writing, and single people are "sticks" like in 11-11. I never did get an elaboration... I guess they didn't know how to say that it's a good day for "picking up chicks".

Regardless, I thought it was pretty funny. After the laughter died down, I did go on to explain to them that Canadians remember the lost soldiers from past wars and family we've also lost in the years gone by. I told them about the moment of silence that extends across Canada in the morning and about the poppies of Flander's Fields. I recited a few verses of the famous poem, discussed the sombre tone of the "remembrance", and then couldn't help but laugh at them when, immediately following my respectful explanation, they began asking about me and my relationship status with HUGE grins on their faces. Let's just say I moved on to the next part of the lesson pretty quickly.

It was too funny not to share.

So to all of you single folk out there, Happy Bachelor's Day from China!

T

Wake up call

It's 4am and my bed begins rattling against the wall. I wake from a deep sleep, confused and wondering why the ground underneath me is shaking. It's dark in my room, so I can't really comprehend what the noise is or where it's coming from. As my senses slowly collect themselves, I realize that I'm being woken up again by something that kept me up for a night last week: bombs and heavy artillery.

I guess I should explain this if I haven't already. Living in the rural part of Dalian that I am, there's a nearby firing range and heavy artillery base which must carry out semi-regular practice. And because I'm out in the boondocks, they do night-time training exercises nearby at any hour they please. It might have started earlier than 4am... I'm not sure. But it continued through until about 6:30am. I knew this because at the exact time my alarm went off beside my bed, the shelling and booming and crashing ceased. Only when I was ready to get up did it stop. Is that irony? I think I'm too tired to figure it out.

The week at school has been pretty normal, but a bit frustrating. I have a class of grade 9s who are collectively pretty weak (even though there are about 8 really solid students). The main problem is these kids fall back on the excuse that they don't understand my directions or the stories or the questions or the word "dictionary" (even when they have fully Chinese explanations), and they simply neglect to do their work. Instead, just like teenagers do, they goof off and slack off and refuse to ask questions or come prepared with translators/dictionaries that would enable them to complete the work. And since I don't have backups because of the poorly stocked book and dictionary supplies at the school, I'm left frustrated and they rely on taking answers from other kids. Although I have some ideas about how I'm going to change this starting on Monday, it still irks me just a bit.

In other news, I still haven't received any Chinese lessons yet. Most or all of the kids who needed the Chinese Foundations class here at the school (the most basic level of intro Mandarin) have been able to move up to level 2, there's not actually a class for me to take right now. So I'm trying to get some programs online that will aid me in my self-study. I'm also hoping that one or two of the teachers here will be keen to do the same thing so I won't go at it alone. I see a lot of talking to myself in the future. Not the crazy voices-in-head talking, but a lot of in-home Mandarin recitation instead of spending time watching every season of Dexter or Criminal Minds.

The weekend looks like it will be spent in Kaifaqu again, but I'm hoping to do a bit more exploring. Apparently there's a pretty kitschy Dinosaur Park somewhere in that part of town, so I think it would be a riot to check out and act like a kid for an afternoon. Then it looks like I'll be filling my belly with Korean BBQ after that with some new acquaintances... should be delicious. D&M are working hard on marking and Masters stuff, so hopefully they'll inspire me to get motivated and do the same, but at this time it remains to be seen. It would make my life much easier in the long run though. If any of you have brilliant ideas to teach kids writing and speaking who don't know a language, please let me know! 

T