As life changes

I've probably done more introspection and reflection on myself and my life in the past 18 months than I've done in the past 4 years. It's strange to see the places I've been to and where I've come from (and I'm not speaking just geographically). As with anything, though, the more I learn, the less I know. I have a lot of self-awareness to show for it... but I also find that some ideas and habits are hard to break away from, even when I'm standing toe to toe with them, screaming at them to let me be.

I think a lot of changes have been taking place in me recently. Not obvious, radical changes. Just quiet ones that help provide me with maybe a bit more insight into the habits and beliefs that have stayed near me for so long. I'm not a new man in any measurable way. The eyes you see (or those you imagine) are the same eyes I've always had. To a certain extent, the sadness still lingers in them. But it is not the sadness that determines who I am. Just because it exists does not mean that it is all that exists. I worried sometimes, though, if that would be the case. I also worried that my relationship status (or status lingering from my former relationship) would determine who I am from this point forward. And maybe for some people, it will. I can only do my best to deal with the heartache and the scars left behind in the wake of that part of my life, while I also do my best to maintain the best parts of who I was and who I know I am. Beyond that, I need to be honest about it all when I'm faced with questions about those pieces of me. It happened to me... it shaped me. But it is not me.

This is all flooding out of a recent experience where I realized that this past of mine may be important to others. Not in any direct way where I'm judged and sentenced according to it... but in a way that some may affect their perspectives. I know that it has been an hugely important formational (is this a word?) experience, and even though it is in no way the essence of who I am, it is something that will like impact my decisions and my relationships from this point forward. It matters... but in the way that our eating habits affect our health, or an injury impacts future performance. Past does not necessarily determine future. But it sure as hell has something to say about it. All I can do is be honest with me and hope that this honesty shines through the darkness that may be cast around it.

T