Sharing

So, this is unrelated to anything that I typically write, but I thought I'd share.

Glee.

It's funny. And entertaining. And I may have watched all of this season in the past 10 days. And I'm probably going to watch the rest of the episodes as they come out. So. Judge as you wish. Or just share your love. Whatever you want. 

T

The other days

It's early on your side of the world
But it's not like I'm keeping track
Anymore
Not because of you, anyway...

Today's one of those other days
Where I leave you behind and find
Another little way to say goodbye
Another moment where the scissors
Go to work, cutting you away and shaping
What's left of everything that was
Into another cast off memory

This is one of the other days
Where I'm looking elsewhere
To another pair of beautiful eyes
Ones that will find a way to love me
And follow me on another one of my adventures
Hands that'll find me in the darkness
And hold on to make sure I'm not going anywhere
A silent breath beside me to let me know
That there ain't nothing left between us.

This is just another day
Where I'm letting you go again
And again and again
And again.

I've never been ready
But baby, the ready's all in the doing
So I guess tonight says it all
In another little goodbye.
I know this isn't the last one
But one day it will be
Until then
Until then
I guess that says it all
Until then.

In repair...

"I'm in repair...
I'm not together
But I'll get there"

- J. Mayer, "In Repair"

The words in my head, as they stream through metaphors like spring waterfalls through canyons

I'm living in a blue world tonight
But it's not because I'm pining away
These unnatural lights buzzing overhead 
Are causing me to go out of my mind
I need a little warmth
A bit of sunshine
Something that will help me feel
That the world is fine, so fine
I'm scratching lines into the plaster
Covering the concrete wall above my headboard
Because I'm counting down all the days
That lie in front of me before I can find
Just another place to lay my head 
And fill my eyes with something
New... always looking for something shiny
And still glistening in all it's cellophane
The excitement lies in that anticipation
And the hope that lives inside
The crinkle of the plastic before it's torn to reveal
The reality of what lives within
Sometimes it's easy to see that what we pursue
Is not what lies inside the shrink-wrap 
But the idea of the shrink-wrap itself
Something untapped
Undiscovered and untainted by everything 
And anything that could spoil the window dressed
Perfection.

T

The finalizing of my current life (and the creating of the new one)

My recent activities read like a slightly morose checklist...

In the past week, I have:

- Applied for non-residency from Canada
- Filed taxes as a burgeoning non-resident
- Changed the beneficiary on my life insurance
- Made changes to tax assessments from last year
- Decided on the final split of marital assets via email
- Signed the first set of divorce papers

Things I will do in the next week which are FAR less morose:

- Enjoy drinks with friends
- Coach (and judge) students for a regional speech comp
- Catch up on marking
- Rid myself of my hockey hair
- Book hostels for my trip to Xi'an
- Make plans for my adventure to Yunan in July
- Organize my summer trip to see friends back in Janada!
- Check out apartments for life in a much nicer/bigger city
- Contemplate next year's winter holidays (and my big raise)
- Introspectively wonder what life will look like in 2 years time
- Hopefully find time to sleep

As always, I seek balance...

T

Transitions

I know about all that I'm not looking for
I'm still seeking, hoping to find
Everything I wasn't sure about
Remains in the recesses of my mind

I knew you for a moment
Or maybe for a week
You found me when I had just stopped stumbling
But I hadn't learned to speak

Well baby, I'm finding my voice now
I'm figuring a way to shout
The fog is fading, my legs are shaking
And I know I'm nearly out, out, out.

I'm living as a long-distance mystery,
You remain in the shadowed dark
We knew each other for a few short seconds
Before our lives made us depart

It's just the unknown in front of us
Never been a "you and me"
As the path winds on in the distance
I journey on with a memory

T

Easy

I don't know what I expected, or how I got caught up in all of this. I always said that I was never attached to these material things and that I'd never be that guy who needs to take such things with him if/when we had to say goodbye. I guess I'm holding on and I'm fighting back and I'm getting upset because I'm clinging to the possibility of change and of acknowledgement of everything that's gone on within the realm of of dividing up all the things we collected and shared and cherished while we still lived a common life. I'm seeking refuge from the heartbreak and all those old feelings of frustration by expecting that I'd finally have no issues getting what I want or ask for, even if it's simply a bunch of replaceable... stuff. I feel like I've received nothing of what I wanted for a long time, and now, when that possibility seemed to stare me in the face, I'm disappointed again. So I'm saying hurtful things and allowing myself to be openly angry because I mourn the fact that we're at this point.

I'd talked briefly to a good friend about my frustrations, and he asked if I'd been able to rise above it all. The truth is, I haven't been able to. Where I was feeling so much positivity just a few weeks ago with our communications, things have definitely degraded. I feel like I'm giving up. 

I hope this doesn't imply that I have lingering hopes about getting back together or anything like that... I'm satisfied with my decision and I'm excited about the events from the past year and the upcoming potential in my life. But I just thought that we'd finally come to a point where we could forget about it all or at least acknowledge the misery and move past it. But then it happened... the dividing of the possessions began and we went right back into the black hole of disagreement, accusation and words said in frustration and anger. Maybe she's being the bigger person in our communications. And maybe I'm the guilty one who's been the source of the anger. Maybe I should just stop caring. But after having the sense that I've been walked on for the past few years, I can't simply pull myself out of it. I'm in the middle of the muck. Luckily, I think that we're just gonna sign a ridiculous (but sadly necessary) piece of paper saying "This is mine and this is yours and by providing our signatures our lives will no longer intersect". I guess it's time. Just so sad that something like love can devolve so tragically into this. 

Okay... no more of this self-pity party. In other news, I'm running again, I have my job for the fall that I've wanted, I'm going to be able to pay off a big chunk of my loans next year and I've got a world full of adventures ahead. Sometimes I just lose focus of the big picture when I'm wallowing in the rubbish. Brighter days are ahead.

T

In short

It's all music in the background
And papers to be signed
Envelopes lie unsealed
As my will remains resigned
Will the timer on the stove
Remind me what I'm trying to find
Or will the sun streaming in the window
Make me blind, blind, blind