I don't know what I expected, or how I got caught up in all of this. I always said that I was never attached to these material things and that I'd never be that guy who needs to take such things with him if/when we had to say goodbye. I guess I'm holding on and I'm fighting back and I'm getting upset because I'm clinging to the possibility of change and of acknowledgement of everything that's gone on within the realm of of dividing up all the things we collected and shared and cherished while we still lived a common life. I'm seeking refuge from the heartbreak and all those old feelings of frustration by expecting that I'd finally have no issues getting what I want or ask for, even if it's simply a bunch of replaceable... stuff. I feel like I've received nothing of what I wanted for a long time, and now, when that possibility seemed to stare me in the face, I'm disappointed again. So I'm saying hurtful things and allowing myself to be openly angry because I mourn the fact that we're at this point.
I'd talked briefly to a good friend about my frustrations, and he asked if I'd been able to rise above it all. The truth is, I haven't been able to. Where I was feeling so much positivity just a few weeks ago with our communications, things have definitely degraded. I feel like I'm giving up.
I hope this doesn't imply that I have lingering hopes about getting back together or anything like that... I'm satisfied with my decision and I'm excited about the events from the past year and the upcoming potential in my life. But I just thought that we'd finally come to a point where we could forget about it all or at least acknowledge the misery and move past it. But then it happened... the dividing of the possessions began and we went right back into the black hole of disagreement, accusation and words said in frustration and anger. Maybe she's being the bigger person in our communications. And maybe I'm the guilty one who's been the source of the anger. Maybe I should just stop caring. But after having the sense that I've been walked on for the past few years, I can't simply pull myself out of it. I'm in the middle of the muck. Luckily, I think that we're just gonna sign a ridiculous (but sadly necessary) piece of paper saying "This is mine and this is yours and by providing our signatures our lives will no longer intersect". I guess it's time. Just so sad that something like love can devolve so tragically into this.
Okay... no more of this self-pity party. In other news, I'm running again, I have my job for the fall that I've wanted, I'm going to be able to pay off a big chunk of my loans next year and I've got a world full of adventures ahead. Sometimes I just lose focus of the big picture when I'm wallowing in the rubbish. Brighter days are ahead.
T
I'd talked briefly to a good friend about my frustrations, and he asked if I'd been able to rise above it all. The truth is, I haven't been able to. Where I was feeling so much positivity just a few weeks ago with our communications, things have definitely degraded. I feel like I'm giving up.
I hope this doesn't imply that I have lingering hopes about getting back together or anything like that... I'm satisfied with my decision and I'm excited about the events from the past year and the upcoming potential in my life. But I just thought that we'd finally come to a point where we could forget about it all or at least acknowledge the misery and move past it. But then it happened... the dividing of the possessions began and we went right back into the black hole of disagreement, accusation and words said in frustration and anger. Maybe she's being the bigger person in our communications. And maybe I'm the guilty one who's been the source of the anger. Maybe I should just stop caring. But after having the sense that I've been walked on for the past few years, I can't simply pull myself out of it. I'm in the middle of the muck. Luckily, I think that we're just gonna sign a ridiculous (but sadly necessary) piece of paper saying "This is mine and this is yours and by providing our signatures our lives will no longer intersect". I guess it's time. Just so sad that something like love can devolve so tragically into this.
Okay... no more of this self-pity party. In other news, I'm running again, I have my job for the fall that I've wanted, I'm going to be able to pay off a big chunk of my loans next year and I've got a world full of adventures ahead. Sometimes I just lose focus of the big picture when I'm wallowing in the rubbish. Brighter days are ahead.
T
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