A few honest things

About me:

I'm quite confident about the person I am most of the time... however, when I'm in new settings (a new job, a new surrounding, a new group of friends), I become uncertain of how to act and resort to being either very quiet or overly chatty and sarcastic. Although I'm a sarcastic person and am very talkative, I definitely overdo it in these situations and put off an annoying vibe. Physically speaking, though, I'm very insecure... I'm always wondering what other people see when they see me, and even though I'm healthy and not wholly unattractive, I definitely don't think I'm all that much to look at.

I keep a lot of people at a distance, especially at work. I act a certain way and let people into my world on a limited basis, and at work, there are rarely those who inhabit my inner circle. For me, work is work and my life is something else. Now, I don't want to be misunderstood... I very much enjoy the people that I work with (most of the time), but being who I am, I don't generally pursue close friendships with workmates. Few make the transition from co-worker to someone I'd consider a friend, and there's really few who I'd consider close friends in my life. Those who I do consider close generally receive semi-regular contact from me and I try to touch base with them in person as often as possible. Typically it takes at least a couple of times out for coffee or beer to shift from acquaintance to friend for me.

I can be extremely anal about certain organizational facets of my life, but am a bit messy in my home... I pile clothes up around the house and am not bothered by general untidyness. A dirty house is one thing that I don't like, but having things askew doesn't irk too much at home. I guess I grew up in a world of chaos when looking at this very thing (for any of you with a mother who does crafts and has some pack-rat tendancies, you likely understand what I'm talking about), so I'm typically not bothered about strewn clothing or messily piled papers.

I'm lucky in many parts of my world. I have an amazing family, some absolutely wonderful friends, and I think I have a good appreciation for life in general. I've had to deal with some crap in my life, but I've been able to find a lot of good out there, even when I'm in pain. When I'm out running or hiking, I'm always trying to take in the scenery and really embrace what's there. I love making children smile and making people laugh and have a good time. I like knowing that people respect the job I do. I like knowing that I've changed someone's life for the better. I know I'm not wholly altruistic, but I try to be good and do good things as often as possible.

I'm one of those people who is often taken advantage of... I always want to do things that will make other people happy (since I get enjoyment out of this). And I hate getting in confrontations and would rather just do something myself or figure out a way to solve something myself rather than cause a rift or make something uncomfortable. In essence, I'm a bit of a pushover. I will stick to my guns when something is important, but if I'm indifferent, I generally do something for someone else before taking care of myself. I sometimes wonder if it's this very thing that has contributed to my independent, island-located state at this point in life.

Even though I'll do everything in my power to do the right thing, I don't put my all into a lot of things. I'm generally not a focussed person in the sense that I forget things easily and often go through spurts where I'm intensely interested in something, only to forget it soon after. As far as work goes, I figure out how to do everything decently well, but I never push myself to excell. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I'm a bit flighty with things... I don't know. I guess it's often the fact that I know I'll be moving on, so why bother. I think the only thing I invested myself completely in was, well... her.

Enough self-indulgent sharing for the night. Sleep calls.

T