The existence of a twin...

What do shadows know of heartbeats? I think they only know of silence...

T

Sunny weekends and new shoes

It's been nearly 2 months since signing up for my local trail running clinic, and I have to say I'm enjoying it more and more. My participation has been greatly limited because of my busy schedule, but now that coaching is done until at least September, I have a bit of breathing room and some time to get out and train.

I was never a runner as a kid or teen... as a guy who suffered from exercise and allergen-induced asthma, I would start wheezing and hacking after about 5 minutes of sustained activity. I was always a bit out of shape because of this, and didn't ever consider myself particularly athletic... that title went to my older brother who played more sports and was better at them (except maybe badminton and golf... now, the golf thing is definitely in his favour). Not only was it laborious, but I was always quick to blame my struggles on the asthma and was never particularly interested in figuring out ways to get past them... it was always a crutch on which I readily leaned.

Since high school, though, my asthma symptoms have greatly faded to something that rarely bothers me. I suffer more from seasonal allergies now, but I've learned how to control my asthma through controlled breathing and I've got some pills to battle the sneezing and eye itchiness. So after being lazy and never doing anything more than once or twice-weekly rec volleyball, K and I did the two months of bootcamp last fall.

This was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Although we stopped going and bought gym memberships afterwards, I've been much more ambitious when it comes to personal fitness since we did it. And now that I'm running with an organized club and training for what I consider a "real" race (25k cross-country trail race in 6 weeks time), I probably feel better than ever. Sure, I haven't really done any cross-training or workouts since, well, January at the gym, the running thing is awesome. Yesterday we did over 2 hours and 16kms through a local creek greenway. One of the girls in the clinic took some pictures...

You may not have guessed, but I'm the one on the left. And there's more...

I was going to point out some serious irony in the next picture, but it's sideways and won't work very well. On the inside of each of these kilometre markers, they stamp a sponsor who maintains the trail. We began our run yesterday morning at the 8km marker, came to the end of the trail (the 16km marker) and ran back. The ironic part is this: the sponsor for Kilometre #16 is: Springfield Funeral Home! I guess I was a little nuts to do this cross-country running thing. But I thought it was hilarious.

Since I'm the youngest person participating in this training clinic and the only male that is actually training for the race (our fearless leader "D" is an ultra-marathon champ, is 60, and outruns me without any problems), I've needed to challenge myself, which is why "D" is such a good guy to have along... I need a chase rabbit, and he does a great job of doing just that.

I don't know how I'll finish at the race, but I'm hoping to do it in under 2 hours and 50 minutes. Is it realistic? I'm not too sure, but I think so. Regardless, the next 6 weeks are going to be full. Wish me luck.

T

Oh, and I forgot to show off my sweet new shoes!!!

Often

During my quiet days, my anti-social days, I often look back at my friendships, relationships and my interactions with my family and I get introspective. I wonder about whether or not I'm responsible for friendships that fell to the wayside or relationships that fizzled. I wonder who I hurt and who has hurt me... I know some of the hurt was unintentional... collateral damage for the situation. But other times, the hurt was due to carelessness, or immaturity, or disdain.


I also look back with a smile when I imagine some of the moments I've shared with people... watching the Northern Lights on the coulee edge with a close friend from University... sharing the perfect sunrise with someone new while extremely intoxicated during safe-grad... sharing moments of frustration with my travelling partners while navigating through a mysterious continent with what seemed to be an impossible language barrier... hiking to the top of a mountain without enough water and running the entire trail down to our stock of H2O... drinking wine for hours and talking about how lives become intertwined and how this moment in time was a conspiracy of the cosmos... talking to my wife while walking along the ocean or through a park, just trying to sort out our lives, all the while knowing that I have someone who will always listen and always forgive and who knows that even when I make mistakes that I have good intentions and I would never want to hurt her.

There are other moments... quieter moments I've spent alone, left to my own thoughts and my own devices. Strange moments where I feel lost, even in a familiar environment. Moments where I stare off into the distance or into the eyes of someone familiar, and suddenly things have changed. How, I cannot say. And moments where I write and feel like a poet who is all alone, even though I'm surrounded by people, realizing that lonliness has much more to do with our need to share than it does with our immediate environment and surroundings.

I changed the heading quote today after reading a story by an author named Jack Hodgins. I thought of my relationship with my parents and how it's transformed over the past 10 years, especially since moving away. Although I think I've acquired many of my mother's genetic traits, my father and I struggled to find common ground when I was younger because of our combined stubborness and our common need to be "right" in anything we did or said. Although I've learned how to reign in my stubborness more these days, I still have moments of weakness and I'm still easily frustrated by many things. I only hope that I become more flexible in years to come (even though I realize that the opposite is more likely). Dad and I still look at each other from across a metaphorical space of falling debris, but I know the space isn't nearly as wide as it once was, nor is the debris as dense. It felt like a chasm years ago... maybe it's simply as wide as the distance across a Sunday dinner table.

T

Adventures

This weekend marked the second-last week of coaching for the year for me. My buddy J (one of the other assistants) took our team down to the Fraser Valley for a tournament, and made a repeat in 5th place. The drive out there was splendid, and I'm still convinced that the drive between Cranbrook and Osoyoos, and between Hope and Chilliwack, are two of my favourite drives ever. The scenery was stunning, and I could've been content to simply drive back home after driving into the sunset on Friday night. I also got to meet up with a good friend from the coast for a drink at a pub close to the river, and it reminded me of home on Vancouver Island. I sure miss the coast.

Even though we could've turned around after the drive, we decided to stay for the weekend and the boys finished fifth. Provincials are coming up this coming weekend in North Vancouver, so I'm just excited to have it over and done with. For the first time all season, the entire coaching staff will be attending, which should help our team perform to their best ability. Although I'm happy that we're building toward a positive finish, it is the finish itself that I'm excited about.

School's been challenging lately, as I know my previous posts have related. I'm quite over-tired, and yesterday morning was possibly the most trying day I've faced all semester. It's still the same block that is giving me trouble, and the same girls that are causing me stress. However, it seems like I'll be able to much of the problem tomorrow by creating an independent working environment for one particularly toxic student, and I'm hoping that many of my problems will be solved. I also had to lay down the law on a regularly tardy and drama-filled student, which will hopefully have some productive results.

I explained to my afternoon block that my morning was challenging so I might have a bit of a short fuse, and they were happy to oblige and be as positive as possible. One student even brought me a small slush to brighten up my day. Another student saw the look of frustration in my eyes and said, "Mr. M, don't quit life". His words are now immortalized on the whiteboard I use for putting up inspiring quotations behind my desk.

Yesterday even started off with a mouse fiasco. K called me into the kitchen as I was getting out of the shower because she thought she heard a mouse. Well, this is episode #3 since moving away, and #2 here in the OK Valley. So, I went to investigate, and after realizing that he wasn't hiding in the stove drawer, that he was actually under the sink. It turns out that in the process of rummaging around in our recycling under the stove, the stupid thing managed to knock over a can which overturned on top of him and trapped him. The noise was him trying to get out. I tried to figure out what to do with him, but since I was running a bit late, I didn't have time to sort any action plan out, so I simply put a shoe on top of the can and left him there. When I got home last night, I thought he was dead (no noise in the can when moving it around). I thought I'd flush him but just as I went into the bathroom (with some cardboard over the can which I slid underneath to get him out from under the sink), he started scurrying around. Not wanting to risk letting him loose in the house and not wanting to drown him, I took him out to our patio, stood over the side, and sent him flying out into the parking lot. Don't worry... after a brief tumble, he got up and ran away.

Disaster averted.

Now I just have to battle another busy week and get as much marking done as possible (report card marks due by Friday!). Otherwise, I'm just hanging in there. I can't wait until this week is done. Until again, all...

T

Settling back in

Spring has sprung and after a hectic week following spring break, it seems like the kids have started to settle back into the typical school routine. For the first day since starting my new job, I had every one of my kids attend class in both blocks today. It was a bit of the ol' too good to be true (I had a student leave at the afternoon break), but overall I was pretty excited about the situation overall.

Things around the house have been pretty hectic lately. I'm still coaching, and we're into the final two weeks of our club season. Our guys are playing pretty well (placing 5th in the province at the most recent tournament), and they seem to be gelling as a team. I'm still struggling to become a voice of authority with them, because many of them still see me as the inexperienced friendly guy who helped coach them last year. I was very open about my inexperience with them last year, and some of them take this to mean that I don't know what I'm doing. Although I'm the first to admit I am still figuring things out as far as the coaching goes, my knowledge of the game is fair and I have a lot of playing experience. Being young doesn't help either. And both of these factors have played a role in players not wanting to listen to me as an authority figure when our head coach is absent.

The same has gone for parents... being young and inexperienced, I'm an easy target for disgruntled parents who think either their kids are the centre of the universe and expect me to believe the same, or that I'm simply incompetent and I couldn't coach a team to save my life. Just the other day, I ran into one of my player's parents... being congenial, I went up and made small-talk about him being at my schooling selling his wares (high school study guides), and it didn't take him long to launch into some heavy criticism about the way the team is being coached and the fact that his son (who is used to being the premiere player on the team) is splitting time equally with another player who plays the same position. In essence, he was mad that his kid wasn't on the floor at all times. He was especially critical of our most recent tournament (where, ironically, our team and the other setter had their best performances of the season so far) and that a number of parents were upset with the way we were running things. I found this doubly-interesting because of the fact that our head coach was away and myself and my buddy (one of the other assistants) were left to run the team. I explained to him that a) it was really late in the season to start bringing such things up and b) if he had any concerns that our head coach would happily discuss them. So, I emailed our head coach explaining the situation and he set up a time to meet with Mr. Parent. Did the parent show up? Nope. We had two practices on the weekend, and he was supposed to meet our head coach before the first. No show. He didn't show up for the next one either. There was no explanation or excuse. Just an absence. Like I said... I'm an easy target being young and inexperienced, and people who are willing to lose it on easy targets aren't so willing to face confrontation when it would be with a man of a similar age with 25 years of coaching experienced under his belt. Needless to say, I'm not too surprised. His kid is definitely one of the ones who has a problem listening to me. Hmmmmmm.

Other than coaching, I'm supposed to start playing spring league volleyball this week... I won't make it though, because Paul Brandt is in town and K is a big fan. Thus, I'm taking her for part of her birthday present. Then, on top of these two things, I also signed up for a 3 month trail running clinic that is set up to prepare us for THIS... a 25k trail race in June. So, I'm punishing myself for having a lazy winter by being a glutton for punishment. We run twice a week with a group and then have a training schedule set up for us on other days. Have I actually done more than one of the activities on the training plan other than the organized runs? Well, not yet, but I have high hopes! If I get out tomorrow, I'll be happy that it's a good start.

So, coaching, playing, and running (along with the normal obligations of teaching) are overwhelming me a bit, but I only have 2 more weeks (and travel-weekends) of coaching left and the other obligations are physical and not mental (as well as recreational), so I should be okay. Still... I have this tendancy of overloading myself from time to time, so for now I'm not going to do much else... just run, work, and play some ball.

K's busy too... she'll be starting a new job (well, same job, new advisors) in the next month, and she's off to LA for a cousin's wedding with her mom in May. Then we have my little sister's wedding in July, and some camping to do in the meantime. The sun has started shining pretty consistently and the mornings are warming up, so it's just a short while longer until summer's here to stay.

And it couldn't come quickly enough.

T

Months slipping by and the willingness to show up

Over the past year or two, I've come to realize that I'm a bit flighty.

Since graduating from high school, I've done a number of different things... travelling, working various jobs, changing universities, changing locations, etc. I've developed interests and temporary obsessions with a variety of things. Often, though, they're quickly abandoned. I guess I just get bored a little easily.

At one point in my life, I thought I had an addictive personality. However, I think it's more of an "infatuation personality"... I become really interested in a certain thing and immerse myself in it. Then, at one point, I stop doing it regularly and find less interest in it. In the beginning, I can't live without it. I crave it... need it. Soon, though, I abandon it like a couch in a back alley... I might see it out there in the cold as I look through the window over the kitchen sink and think about it... but I think to myself, "it's been a good run. It was fun while it lasted." After that, it's rarely thought of again.

I guess the same thing goes for the blog. Some days I feel an inner compulsion to share what's on my mind... I need other people to read what I write or listen to what I have to say. In truth, I know that very few people actually read this thing (thanks, K.S. and Cibi!), but the compulsion remains. Often, though, it's fleeting and will disappear altogether after a while. Like March, 2008. Although there was a lot of stuff going on in my less-than-exciting existence, I really felt no compulsion to write. And I even had two weeks of spring break. Did that change anything? Nopers. Not a word.

I think my wife should be truly happy with me... before we started dating, no girl had lasted past my 4.5 month curse (I didn't date a single girl for more than about 4.5 months before K got her hooks into me!). Not only am I happy, but I usually can't wait to see her at the end of my days and to wake up beside her every morning. Sure, sometimes I want to launch my coffee cup at her when we're in the throws of marital angst (which, of course, is inevitable), but it never makes me want to leave or give up. If anything, it just makes me want to show up more. We talked about it a few weeks ago... about the fact that love is only a fraction of the marriage... that marriage takes a tonne of work and how we assume most people underestimate that.

Somebody gave me a simple but effective piece of advice when I was getting overwhelmed during my practicum:

"The biggest thing is to keep showing up"

The times I've failed were the times when I just stopped showing up. Now, showing up goes beyond the physical... it involves the mental. I think this is one of the biggest challenges for the high school students (and teachers)... for some of them, the biggest challenge is actually making it to school. For the rest, it's showing up mentally. If they can show up mentally and engage in what's happening in the classroom, success follows almost unanimously.

The same thing is definitely true for relationships... showing up (and, of course, wanting to show up) is more than half the battle. Or, so it seems in my limited marital experience.

There's your change for a nickel. More on my actual life later (maybe in another month or two)...

T