I moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment in my old building (from when I was living here a few years ago with K). When we moved out here together (my second year of living in another province), my aunt was able to find us a cute little neighbourhood to call home. We stayed in the building for the rest of our time in Victoria before heading back to the mainland. So, on a whim, I decided to give my old building manager a call to see if anything was coming up and, presto, I now have my own little piece of privacy. No random roommates. No strangers waltzing in. No odd noises coming from bedrooms which share a wall with me. Just me.
I've never lived by myself before. When I first moved out of my parents' place, I moved in with a very odd, pink-haired internet junkie who was anti-social in the extreme. I lasted 2 months before moving into a very slum-like basement suite with three other university guys for the rest of the school year. K moved out here with me during my second year and we've lived together ever since (obviously, since we were married almost exactly a year after moving in together). Now, after couch and apartment jumping for 8 months, I finally have my own space. Tiny though it may be, it's something of my own.
I haven't been writing as prolifically in the past few weeks. Part of this is due to my lack of internet access (the grim reality of paying for all the bills myself prevented me from acting quickly on this front), which is no longer a problem. And part of it is a sense of numbness that has crept into my personal life for the past couple of months. It's not even numbness, really... it's... well... a declining sense of will in my hopes for what is to come in my marriage.
I've been looking for signs that things will improve. I've made requests... I've asked questions... I've prayed... I've held on. And in all this time, I've tried to be as patient as possible in waiting for responses and action in any of these requests. But I think you can only go so long without getting anything in return. And I've felt this realization creep up into my consciousness over previous weeks. The main sense is my feeling of fatigue. I just feel defeated any time I think about my relationship. And so I have, to a certain extent, given up. I haven't gone out of my way to instigate conversation, so the conversations have died. I've waited patiently since March for a response to a series of life-defining questions I posed to K, and I've received nothing but casual small talk and a total disregard for my wishes. Every inch I beg for gets ignored or rejected. So, in my defeatist sense of fatigue, I've just hid from it all.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I did send a message to K about these feelings, but I have yet to hear from her. She did reassure me that she would respond, but she also said she'd respond to the questions posed to her in March (which I brought up in April, and received another assurance that she'd respond and still has not). I just wait, as per usual. I just don't think I can wait much more. It's been over a year of waiting for, well, whatever it is I'm waiting for, and I think I've just run out of steam. I need to start focussing my energy on my own pursuits and new goals, because I simply don't have the moxie to keep up the frustrated/patient waiting around.
Through all of this, I still find time to do the things I love... run, read, spend time with friends, enjoy the streets of this beautiful city, listen to music, and just sit. There are so many good things to focus my energy on, that it's coming to the time where I need to redirect my ambitions to something fruitful. I've mentioned this on a number of occasions... there's a silver lining in everything, and I seem to keep finding it. My surgery gave me time off to spend with my mom and the time to look for a new place to live. My move gave me more opportunities to see my friends, since it was no longer a long drive to get to where they lived. And there are more opportunities to experience the silent streets at night while the sleepy darkness encapsulates the rest of the living world. And so this is where I run.
T
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