Finding solid ground

I spend a lot of time thinking about the most recent 14 chunks hours in my life, as if in these small clumps of motion and emotion, all truth is to be found in one's character.... where it goes right and where it goes wrong and sometimes just about the fact that it goes. These moments are almost always filled with uncertainty or overwhelming triumphs or curiosities or crushing defeats or questions or frustrations or endless attempts to justify and rationalize and normalize and ratify... to condense, to tease out, to pull it all apart and to piece it all back together.

I'm in that very circle right now, replaying and analyzing the confusion of the past day, and I keep coming up with more questions and keep finding myself confused. This is a pretty common result, and it often ends with me being frustrated and uncertain of myself. Often I come to realize later that I completely overthought everything and I can move on, but sometimes it seems so easy to get tangled in the "why" of such periods of overly-paranoid moments (or moments that stretch into hours and days).

I'm being aloof (as I often am) for a number of reasons. Part of it is to protect my self, but also to maintain anonymity for others. But I just hate these moments of confused self-doubt... they throw me into an introspective and sometimes semi-miserable state and it takes me a little while to snap out of the funk. So many things that simply felt strange took place last night, and there were so many things that just didn't seem to conform to what I was expecting that I've been inside my head all day. In two days, I'm sure these things will be far from my mind (or at least more so than now), but for now, my mind is a big tangle of questions and old urges to try to rectify and justify the confusion... but I know where that road ends and it's not a good place. So, here I stand, attempting to find some solid ground for myself... breaking old habits and figuring out if I have control over the confusion of these nights gone by. Until then, my feet keep moving and I keep running to clear my head.

T