Streetside experiences

It's Saturday night and I'm walking towards D&M's apartment in Kaifaqu. Darren and I were returning from the cobbler and a few other stops after he took in some of his shoes for fixing. For less than $15 Canadian, he had two pairs of shoes fully repaired and a pair of Mandy's boots were polished, buffed, and had the heel replaced. As we talked about how impressed we were with both the price of the job and the seemingly great quality of the work, we noticed a bit of commotion on the street ahead. Twenty feet from us, on the boulevard and sidewalk of a moderately busy road (and only another twenty feet from the entrance door to D's building), men were setting up boxes and standing beside stations, dodging traffic in the typical Chinese Frogger way, dodging cars and motorcycles, coordinating the order in which everything would take place. D and I were intrigued and excited, as we knew what was approaching. Other curious spectators from the nearby businesses and apartments poked their heads out of windows and doors to get a glimpse of the action. After final adjustments were made, the first match was struck and was held to a fuse at the corner of one of the boxes. As this man pulled away from his box, three other men approached their stations with lighters lit and carried out the same task. Within a second, lights and fire and sparks shot from the boxes and explosions boomed overhead. Traffic moved between the boulevard and the sidewalk as if oblivious to the explosive fireworks blasting only a few feet away. Rockets shot into the air and exploded about 40 feet above our heads in a myriad of colours and sounds. The ash fell silently amidst the crashing and whistling and pounding of the flashes above. The childish laughter of D and I was mute in comparison to the roaring in our ears. Pyrotechnic smoke began to cloud the roadway, but still the cars went by unconcerned with the possibility of an errant explosive device sailing into an open driver side window. The local Japanese teppanyaki restaurant window was full of specators including the cooks and wait staff. One of the chefs held onto one of the lighters near the roadway, as he was one of the participants in the spectacle. The massage parlour next door featured the same window of awe-filled faces, which were obviously full of anxious excitement. It was even more impressive than some of the Canada Day fireworks we'd watch as kids, yet this was simply an amateur display on a Saturday night.

Ten long minutes later, the last of the happy explosions blasted in the sky above us. We started dusting the burnt ash from our shoulders and hair as we laughed and began to head upstairs. You couldn't have peeled the smiles from our faces. It was such an amazing scene without any real context or indication that these fireworks may have been connected to something specific. Maybe it was a promotion for the Japanese restaurant. Maybe it was to celebrate a wedding and to wish good luck to a newly married couple. Whatever the case may be, the simple pleasure derived from the event was well worth it.

We spent the rest of the night filling our bellies with food and drink and playing cards while the sun sank from view over the Bo Hai Sea. The night remained warm and calm. I knew the next morning would come quickly as I planned to tag along with Mandy and a few of her teacher friends on an hour-long run through the streets and hills around Kaifaqu. But as we got back to their apartment and I landed on the couch, I laughed at the fact that you never really know what you're going to experience here on any given night.

The school week has started once again and I've started thinking about my winter holiday trip in January and February. Because of the complications with my pay dates (and first month amount), I haven't booked any of my excursion(s) yet. However, I'm hoping to find my way south to Malaysia and other parts of SE Asia. In the meantime, I'm hoping to join D's hockey team as "Coach" on a trip north of Dalian, as they've set up a game with another hockey team next weekend. We still have plans for a weekend trip to Beijing as well, and I'm still hoping to keep in shape well enough that I can train for the Great Wall 1/2 marathon. I don't think the weather will be hospitable enough (nor will I have the partner support) for me to train for the full marathon (not this year, anyway), but I hope to do the half in May. But there are many days and big plans ahead, so I'll just have to see where the adventure takes me. 

T

This is China

It's starting to rain lightly but darkly outside the window from my office. I know that I'm a long way from home today, and although it didn't seem so prevalent earlier, it seems to be setting in right now. Surrounding me are the voices of a culture and language that I don't understand and have only experienced closely for the past twelve days. Even these past twelve days have had me avoiding cultural integration here and there as I spend time with Canadian friends and familiar faces while carrying on familiar activities that I knew back just a few weeks ago on North American soil.

So far, this trip has been a great experience. Every day that I live here I am confronted with my own assumptions about learning and about language and about culture. Regularly… no, constantly, I ask questions relating to "why" when looking into the habits of the people and the country that surrounds me. And just as constantly, I find myself coming up with the same response that Leo DiCaprio's character in Blood Diamonds has when discussing Africa: TIA. Except in my case, it's TIC: This is China.

I've adjusted to a few things so far… riding the bus (at least to one single location) is something I can manage on my own, as is taking the Dalian LRT. I've started figuring out the supermarkets (although I only really know what less than half of the items on the shelves REALLY are). And I've even started to get used to the public mannerisms a bit. Being a white person in a VERY quiet and VERY Chinese area of the city makes me the object of blatant staring, particularly when I slip on my running shoes and go for a run up along the highway by the ocean. Workers stop what they are doing and literally gawk. I've learned quite quickly that it's more out of curiosity and the simple fact that there's a very pasty kid in a-typical clothes doing an activity that few Chinese people do. Sometimes it can be unnerving, but there always seems to be the odd person who will go out of their way to say "Ni hao" and smile. This is definitely the exception, though, not the rule, and it takes some getting used to.

It can also be isolating out here. I'm a long way from the city, and although the area I'm in is very beautiful, my contact with the outside world is limited to my teaching officemates, the kids, and the few people I can contact via the internet. I didn't have internet access at my apartment for the first week, so the nights were quite dark and quiet. But in this quiet, I have found a little bit of calm. There is still a bit of anxiety lingering from everything over the past year, and I can't say that I've really moved on from what I've immersed myself in over the past 8 years. But new days bring new experiences, and I do my best to control what is in my ability to control while making an attempt to enjoy the challenges of this new, strange place I'm calling home for the next year or two.

I've been posting a bit more on the other blog site so I can keep my friends/family up to date with the day to day living out here. Writing is helping me feel connected to everyone back in Canada, even though it feels a bit like a one-way connection. For now, though, it's enough.  From the Bohai Sea…

T

Been a while...

I'm sitting in the airport, trying to think about what kind of uber-Canadian sort of food I'm going to have for lunch before flying to Tokyo. I'm thinking if it's something truly Canadian, it'll have to be either a) covered in back bacon, or b) have the option of poutine as a side.

I probably should avoid both since I'll be on a plane for the 10 hours following the feast, but we'll have to see. My apologies for being absent... the past few weeks have absolutely zipped by, and I haven't barely had time to catch my breath.

I will still be posting at this site, but I have also set up another more public blog for my travels/teaching stories. The name is quite similar... rather than "dimsumthing", it's "dimsumseeker" with the same rest of the address. I'm using that as a way to keep in touch with the legions of fans back home (or, at least with my family, friends, and a handful of co-workers). I'm going to try to handle both, but the 4 or 5 who stop by here on occasion, thanks for keeping up the reading, and I hope you keep in touch. Take care...

T

Oh, how the world does change

It's time for a new adventure.

And if it isn't actually time for a new adventure, I'm launching myself head-first into one regardless of it I'm ready or not!

Only a month ago I was vaguely considering the possibility of going overseas to pursue a teaching position which veiled my desire to travel and see Asia. And only a few days ago, I was offered a teaching position in NE China teaching ESL at a middle-school feeder associated with the BC certified schools around China. So, in less than two weeks I'll be boarding a very large JAL plane destined for Japan before making my connection to Dalian, China.

I'd like to say I'm not scared... that sheer excitement is the only emotion I'm feeling. But the timeline I'm facing is extremely short. And the daunting idea of moving across the world and immersing myself in a completely foreign culture for a year (or potentially even more!) is scary as hell. I've had an extremely tumultuous year, and after everything, I still wonder if I'm ready for a change this drastic. But I'm also one of those people who hates not following through on a commitment, and now that I've quit two jobs, told my landlord about my extremely quick departure and signed the paperwork, I have no choice now. Insanity, here I come!

I know that I'm in need of a change. I've spent the last 18 months living in a holding pattern, hoping and praying for things to work out with the love of my life. In that time, I've become increasingly exhausted with the waiting, and felt as though I needed to start pursuing something more, well, "me" driven. Even though I'm still holding onto a slim slice of hope that things will one day work out, I simply need to become a big more centred and a bit more selfish. I can't say that I haven't been able to enjoy my time in Victoria... it's one of the places in the world that I feel comfortable and at peace. The ocean feels like home even though I grew up in a desert-like prairie setting. And the network of friends I have out here is unbeatable. I still have a lot of love for the western prairies, but there's just something magical about this coastal setting. But something else was calling... something new, and something that I had thought about for a long time. I've always said that I wanted Asia to be my next major travel destination (after my Europe trip), and the opportunity to get paid to travel overseas, get back to my career, and see a part of the world that I've never experienced was just too much to turn down.

I'm checking things off my monstrous list every day. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update the blog, but I'm hoping to utilize it as a sort of travelogue for my upcoming adventures. I may start a new page that may be more accessible in China, since there is less open access to certain websites when compared to North America. But when I sort that out, I'll keep you few loyal readers posted.

This big, blue world is one in which I want to indulge myself in as many ways as I can. So here I go again. Even though I'm heading out on my own, I know there's a hundred prayers and well-wishes going with me. And maybe the prayers for days past will find their target someday as well. For now, it's you and me, China. My, how the world does change.

T

Clinging

My feet lie under me wearily
And my focus, it drifts off dreamily
As I sit and wait for another uncertain thing to come

It's all just treading water
Like a desperate cling to survival
As the ocean floor is just a few feet too far away

It's fingers slipping on the cliffside
And hands too fatigued to decide
If they have the strength to hold on just one more breath

The sleep just isn't coming
While the white noise keeps on humming
As I pray for silent breaths to take me to my dreams

But the dreams, they seem so cloudy
And my fears are screaming loudly
So I wait and wait for sleep to find me once again.

T

Anniversaries

I never believed in the seven year itch. I didn't actually believe that after this arbitrary number of years together that things go myseriously wrong. Ironically, this whole thing began in the seventh year.

K and I met while I was still in high school... she'd been graduated for a year or two already. We had a brief, chance meeting when we worked together for a total of maybe a few hours. After making stalker-ish visits to my workplace on my days off (while, of course, she was working), I convinced her that we should became friends. After our occupational parting, we only sporadically kept in touch, but every time we reconnected, the spark was there. It simply took us three or four years to be in a position to harness that energy.

Eight years later, here we are. Or aren't, as the case may be.

Some people have wondered if I have any regrets, or any ill feelings towards my decisions over these eight years. I can't think of any, other than maybe pushing for some sort of earlier and more pro-active problem-solving when the small things seemed to become problematic. But I don't regret it. I've been morose, melancholy, and just plain sad. But even in the clearest of hindsight, I've never uttered, "what a mistake". The experience has shaped me, and even though it hasn't gone the way I wanted or expected, I can only hold on to the belief that this is what needed to happen, whatever reason that may be.

Another realization I've had to confront is one that has been a big fear of mine all along... by choosing to "move on" and start living my life in whatever definition may be associated with this action, I have to confront the reality that K, too, may (and likely will) move on. She may find someone new now that I'm not really holding her back in any way. She may find someone else to make her laugh and hold her close, and give her the comfort and security I used to provide. Maybe there have been guys just waiting for this opportunity... I can't doubt this for a second, as she's one of the most beautiful women I know. I hate the idea, but I know that I need to face facts, particularly since it was me who has decided to walk away.

For today, though, I'm going to focus on the things that have made me smile along the way, and there have been too many to count. Happy anniversary.

T

Watershed times

I feel as though I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff in the middle of the night. I have no idea what lies before me, but I know that it's big. And scary. And completely unknown. I'm suffering from absent-mindedness at work, as I'm distracted both by lingering heartbreak and the excitement of a new adventure staring me in the face. There's a creeping sense of nervousness dwelling in the deep recesses of my gut. There are so many thoughts and opinions and worries floating around my brain, that I'm not exactly sure how to process it all. In many ways, it's breeding a sense of discontent with my current work situation. For about a year now, I've been away from the career I chose, working jobs that are paying my bills but aren't paying me back in any sort of rewarding way personally. So I keep looking at the opportunities around the globe and wonder to myself if I'm ready for all of this.

I have to keep in mind that no contracts have been signed. There have been no offers, though the hope still remains that in the next week something will become available. And if it is something that does come up, I have to make the decision to jump or to stay. Does the safety of not jumping have to mean miserable complacency? Not necessarily. But a missed opportunity to jump is a missed experience altogether. And I'm not sure I'm willing to let such things go right now. The scariest things I've done have always been the most rewarding, from my decision to temporarily drop out of University to travel Europe, to moving to the west coast without knowing barely a soul, to getting down on one knee to ask a beautiful woman to love me forever. These decisions have probably shaped me more positively than any other active decisions (or non-decisions), and all of them came with their own sense of fear and uncertainty. So... if an opportunity arises, it's going to be hard to turn down. Ready or not.


My world is nothing but cliff-gripping toes
Tempting the expanse of the unknown below
Indulging in these elephant sized dreams
But yet, there's little more than frayed nerves to show
Maybe it's time to slow... slow... slow...

I wonder if I'll find myself in all these new intrigues
I do know that I've found myself nervous and fatigued
I'm certain that my uncertainty is for all the right things
And that my uncertainty is responsible for the excitement that I breed
The one thing that I hope for is clarity in all I see
If I open up my eyes and leap, I will see.

TM

Finding another place to start anew

"I guess it's time that I need to move on, then. I can't do it all on my own and you need to be a part of it, too."

It's been more than a year in the unmaking. But after 8 years, and struggling through the past year and a half in an effort to give us a chance to reconcile, no ground was made in moving forward. There has only been two continually separated individuals who cannot find a way back to a common path. So instead of looking across the apparently unbridge-able gulf residing between us, I needed to look forward at the uncertain road in front of me. I haven't really looked forward in a long time, as I was always looking for the point at which our paths would re-emerge out of the dark together. But now I see just one road in front of me and I have to learn how to navigate it on my own.

I hate it. I hate that I was forced by my own frustration and need to start living my life again to make the decision to walk away. I didn't want to. I considered just contenting myself with waiting some more. But I knew what was awaiting that decision... more bitternesss, more resentment and more unhappiness. And the words I spoke to her before I left couldn't have been more reluctant or more true. I needed to move on in whatever sense that meant. And so here I am.

I think I've been doing a lot of things lately to occupy my mind and distract myself from the resentment I have for K, since I've been fighting for so long just to have a shot at coming together again. And because of where she is on her journey, she simply and steadfastly refused. I know she felt some relief from my decision as she wasn't ready to put that nail in the coffin herself. But it took some responsibility and guilt off her shoulders so at least she's feeling a little more at ease.

I guess I am too. The problem is I still love and care for her deeply, and am still reluctant to believe that it may be over for good. I know the resentment stems at least partly from my inability to instigate some healing between us and to make her see that it didn't have to turn out this way. But none of my rhetoric could scale the walls she's put up. I'm still hoping that she'll come around one day, but I know that dwelling on that isn't going to be healthy, and I know that I must start pursuing some of the things I've shelved for a long time.

Lately, I've been goofing off and acting a little bit ridiculous... I feel as though I've suppressed many feelings and urges to go out and be slightly reckless, and now that I don't really have anything (but a bit of good sense) preventing me from doing so, I've embraced it a little. I think I realized that I need to centre myself again though, as I've been all over the place and have been running myself ragged. I've been ingesting a bit too much booze and not getting enough sleep and I feel like I'm missing a part of the old, more subdued me. I don't know if I've just been acting this way because I feel as though I need a change, or that I need to reinvent myself, but it's been happening regardless. So hopefully this week will be full of more quiet and solemn tendancies.

In a somewhat-related realm I've been looking into teaching work overseas and I may have even found something... in China! Over the past few months, I've thought about the possibility of moving away and travelling and using my teaching credentials to get a job overseas somewhere. One of the major reasons I entered the teaching program was for the potential to travel and see the world and get paid while doing it. Since my backpacking trip to Europe I've been wanting to see more of this amazing planet we're on. But after K and I got married, I was trying to think more pragmatically and only vaguely considered moving abroad for my career. We had talked about kids at one point (so that was an obvious consideration) and financially it was going to be challenging (due to my heavy student loan debt). I also thought that K would likely not be able to handle a change from mainland (or van isle) BC to a place like Japan or Bahrain or Korea. Maybe I underestimated her, but I knew how hard it was for her to move to Victoria with me and then to Kelowna. And there were no cultural limitations to confront us when we arrived! I could only imagine how brutal it would've been for her to go to a completely different continent away from her family and be thrust into a wholly foreign culture. We looked into places like Belgium and France at one point (since she speaks French), but even then I didn't pursue things ardently because of the sense that I just didn't think it would be alright.

There was also the problem of establishing my own career... I had just finished my teaching program and wanted to build up some connections in Kelowna so I could get some steady work and start laying down some roots. This made me reluctant as well, since I wanted to be pragmatic for the both of us. Stupid hindsight being 20-20.

Getting back to the talk about China... I should be hearing back from a man in Vancouver who's responsible for the recruiting for the BC Schools in China where I have some friends teaching right now. I was put in touch with the recruiter through my buddy DS, as he's been in Dalian, China for the past year with his lovely wife. There aren't any academic teaching jobs, but there's an ESL position open that I'm hoping to interview for. If things work out, I might be on a plane before the end of September! I'm extremely nervous and excited at the same time. I'm on the cusp of a whole new... I don't know what. But whatever it is, I'm excited to find out.

More on this soon.

T

Nonsense

This ghost inside me is weighing me down
I can feel every one of it's ten thousand pounds
I am trying to shed it, leave it behind on the ground
But at every turn, at every light, I find that I am found

I try to run far, but it follows in stride
Elusive as I am, it seeks where I hide
I kick and I scream but still it abides
At the end of the day, is it enough that I tried?

Last night as I walked it remained in the streets
And ignored my attempts at swift foot retreats
"No matter what happens, I'm chained to your feet,
You're stuck with me, friend, until it's Death that you meet.

TM

Song

This song came on the radio tonight on my rainy drive home. Now as I sit out on my patio and wrap myself up in the lonliness, I hope you can embrace the sensation too, however morose...

Press play.

Not Enough

There’s nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say you're not that strong
You're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well

There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you've got
What you loved
What you need
What you had is real

It's not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It's not enough,
I’m sorry
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
It’s not enough
- Our Lady Peace

And so.

No ellipses on this dark day
It's all rain, no sunshine, but finally a white flag
Don't trick yourself or misunderstand
This isn't the "finally" of us walking hand in hand
This is the white flag of the dreaded, feared defeat
In which the two of us could not find a place to meet.

I walked out in that thunderstorm
Bottle in my hand
Wondering why you couldn't come around
And why I had to take a stand
Now I have no choice
But to walk another way
To move on to the dreams
I'd lost in yesterday.

My friends tell me I'm not alone
But you're no longer there.
The solidity of our former life
Has vanished in the air.

T

Mutterings

I'm hearing shots ring out past midnight
And there's silence in the streets
The babes are wrapped in blankets
While the criminals retreat

The lightening outside the window
Seems a hundred miles away
The power's going out
And the storm is here to stay

The shivering won't subside
As I cower in my bed
I thought I'd been found alive
But our love seems surely dead

I'm holding out a single branch
The last one I can bear
Hoping that you can grasp one end
So that this branch is one we share

Still, my naivety won't rule me
Although my wishes still remain
I wait once more in limbo
Holding branches in the rain

TM

Lacking down-time.

Life has been ridiculously busy. And it's been a balance of work and play, for sure. However, there hasn't been much time for rest lately.

I do a 1/2 marathon without any help from, well, anyone. Four days later I'm being cut into at the local hospital for a misbehaving organ. The surgery was carried out by a rockstar surgeon had my appendix out in less than 10 minutes. I'm on house arrest for about a week. Oh... and bad... my car's a piece of crap and not only do I have to fix it twice in the past two months, but it also gets hit by a hit-and-runner old man driver. However, he'll pay for the damages. Alas, I have to pay the nearly-six-hundred-dollar fee for getting it fixed up front, which sucks. It has not been fixed yet.

Talk about a flip-flop of circumstances and luck!

I work nearly 50 hours a week and only get one token day off most weeks. However, because of my surgery, I get to spend 4 days with my mom while she was visiting (which she had planned prior to my appendix-related adventure). My uncle visits and I'm able to finagle a couple of days off to hang with him and his fiancee, and get to eat carribean food and raw oysters and have the pleasure of being poured into a cab (while my car has a sleepover downtown) after numerous beers and a bit of tequila. Then my sister visits for a weekend and I have 2/3 days off that she's in town. I have another day off, and my friend from Kelowna visits and we go up to the Sooke potholes before heading down to a boat and getting drunk before/while cruising around the inner harbour and gorging ourselves on lobster, steak, asparagus and feta-stuffed olives. Now I have a Saturday off, and it's my good friend's-fiancee's stag, so I'm able to join him and the boys for a booze cruise and a night out on the town, while before this I spend the morning hiking and hanging out with teaching-program friends. Other days off are equally hectic and involve dinner parties, boat trips, some hiking, and other random adventures.

The point of this whole thing is that I've been able to enjoy a lot of good times recently with friends and family and the few days off I receive are full of fun and adventures. It's exhausting, but a tonne of fun.

Upcoming adventures: Wedding in Alberta, then off to Montana for some time with the whole fam in Whitefish/Kalispell, followed by a road trip with my big bro from Montana to K-town to the coast where he'll hang with me for a couple days before going back to the 403. Oh, and another wedding the day after returning to the coast for a good friend.

If only some sort of teaching gig would appear...

T

Oh... on a completely unrelated topic... I'm reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" right now... I have quickly realized why this is such a classic.

Around the sun

It's a cliche activity... the birthday self-evaluation. But in a way it's inevitable if you give yourself some time for self-reflection. Where to go... what to plan... what to change. Sometimes these activities accompany New Years celebrations, but I find myself looking in the mirror around my birthday.

Often, my mid-year reflections seem to be based in what I have in my life... what I've accomplished, what I hold dear, and who walks the road with me. The path's dustier than I've seen before, but one foot still follows in front of another. There are days which feel as though I've seen this part of the path before... like I've walked in circles for a few days or weeks or months in a row. I believe this is why I'm having a hard time holding on to all the scraps of what's left inside me that wishes for some positive intervention in my relationship. I've become tired... I ask, and am denied. I hope, and wait without seeing any return. And I keep moving because I don't know what else I can do.

Nights like tonight make me miss her so much... quiet nights when I'm walking the streets of this beautiful city alone. Nights that embrace music in the air and silent embraces in silhouette. Nights that say goodbye to the loved-ones we drop off at the airport after a weekend of story-telling and sunshine. And nights where I remain alone and have time to consider the sadness.

I know this blog has become an indulgence in my feelings of being broken-hearted, but I appreciate the few of you who still come by and support me through what I've been going through. "I get by with a little help from my friends"...

T

The only

The only things that follow me home

These days

Are shadows and fallen leaves

Blowing and tumbling down the sidewalk

As my feet stamp stamp the pavement

In the dark.

Some have found my clip-clop, right-left wanderings home

In the evening 

Strange

And slightly sad.

But I'm more morose when I find myself in cars

Rushing home after the music has stopped

And climbing into bed before the ringing 

Has subsided.

I walk to indulge in the tin-ny sounds 

Echoing in my ears after an all-night indulgence

Of symphonic beats and strums

Of stringed guitars

And music bars.

I walk to prolong what felt so, so right

Before it all went deeply wrong.

I guess this isn't about the music anymore.

I just know that I don't want to fall asleep quite yet

Unless I have someone breathing beside me

And I don't want to fall away quite yet

Until I know I'm not alone.

I haven't touched the lights switches in my new apartment tonight

Because if I did

I'd know that it's time for teeth to be brushed

And contacts to be taken out

And for socks to be strewn down the hall on my way to my bedroom

So that I can begin my every-eve routine of blankets and pillows

And tossing and turning and prayers for sleep to come

Alone.

No.

I want to keep my head swimming 

In the tick tick tick tick of the high hat

And the sometimes dissonant sounds coming from the stage

While the movement and hands and lights that threaten to pull me in.

Don't let sleep come quite yet... I'm just not ready.

Just a few more sounds and a few more whispers 

And a few more claps 

To break the silence as I tap tap tap

My way to dreamless sadness.

T

Running with the shadows

I've found a little piece of freedom.

I moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment in my old building (from when I was living here a few years ago with K). When we moved out here together (my second year of living in another province), my aunt was able to find us a cute little neighbourhood to call home. We stayed in the building for the rest of our time in Victoria before heading back to the mainland. So, on a whim, I decided to give my old building manager a call to see if anything was coming up and, presto, I now have my own little piece of privacy. No random roommates. No strangers waltzing in. No odd noises coming from bedrooms which share a wall with me. Just me.

I've never lived by myself before. When I first moved out of my parents' place, I moved in with a very odd, pink-haired internet junkie who was anti-social in the extreme. I lasted 2 months before moving into a very slum-like basement suite with three other university guys for the rest of the school year. K moved out here with me during my second year and we've lived together ever since (obviously, since we were married almost exactly a year after moving in together). Now, after couch and apartment jumping for 8 months, I finally have my own space. Tiny though it may be, it's something of my own.

I haven't been writing as prolifically in the past few weeks. Part of this is due to my lack of internet access (the grim reality of paying for all the bills myself prevented me from acting quickly on this front), which is no longer a problem. And part of it is a sense of numbness that has crept into my personal life for the past couple of months. It's not even numbness, really... it's... well... a declining sense of will in my hopes for what is to come in my marriage.

I've been looking for signs that things will improve. I've made requests... I've asked questions... I've prayed... I've held on. And in all this time, I've tried to be as patient as possible in waiting for responses and action in any of these requests. But I think you can only go so long without getting anything in return. And I've felt this realization creep up into my consciousness over previous weeks. The main sense is my feeling of fatigue. I just feel defeated any time I think about my relationship. And so I have, to a certain extent, given up. I haven't gone out of my way to instigate conversation, so the conversations have died. I've waited patiently since March for a response to a series of life-defining questions I posed to K, and I've received nothing but casual small talk and a total disregard for my wishes. Every inch I beg for gets ignored or rejected. So, in my defeatist sense of fatigue, I've just hid from it all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I did send a message to K about these feelings, but I have yet to hear from her. She did reassure me that she would respond, but she also said she'd respond to the questions posed to her in March (which I brought up in April, and received another assurance that she'd respond and still has not). I just wait, as per usual. I just don't think I can wait much more. It's been over a year of waiting for, well, whatever it is I'm waiting for, and I think I've just run out of steam. I need to start focussing my energy on my own pursuits and new goals, because I simply don't have the moxie to keep up the frustrated/patient waiting around.

Through all of this, I still find time to do the things I love... run, read, spend time with friends, enjoy the streets of this beautiful city, listen to music, and just sit. There are so many good things to focus my energy on, that it's coming to the time where I need to redirect my ambitions to something fruitful. I've mentioned this on a number of occasions... there's a silver lining in everything, and I seem to keep finding it. My surgery gave me time off to spend with my mom and the time to look for a new place to live. My move gave me more opportunities to see my friends, since it was no longer a long drive to get to where they lived. And there are more opportunities to experience the silent streets at night while the sleepy darkness encapsulates the rest of the living world. And so this is where I run.

T

Brief rhymes

It's another quiet night
Where the stars are bright
But I cannot tell
Why the moon ain't right
It's like an aeroplane
Or a flickrin' flame
And I'm starting to forget
How to whisper your name

And I find myself
Losing myself again
And I can't just mend
What you've never been
And your promises
Are just the moonlight mist
That your lips can't kiss
And my memories miss

It happens when
Your words are closing doors
And what I'm waiting for
Ain't worth fighting for
When you cannot show
What I need to grow
And have hope that you
Will find your way back home

'Cause you've long been gone
From what I'm fighting for
And when I'm wanting more
It's another empty shore
Where there ain't no tide
And you're not by my side
And it's all my strength
To find the strength inside

So I wander on
Toward the setting sun
Not knowing if you're there
Or if you're long since gone
But I struggle through
The storm you put me through
Because in the end
I'm trying to wait for you.

T

Keeping busy and returning to routines

I returned to work last week after a nearly-two week hiatus for surgery. My demon appendix was removed without any major issues, and after about 2.5 weeks, I'm pretty much back to normal. I went for my first post-surgery run today for about 40 minutes and feel like a million bucks. It was maybe a bit laborious than other runs, considering I haven't run since my 1/2 marathon, but it felt good nonetheless. And when it's nearly 20 degrees, who am I to complain?

Two weekends in a row I've had family visitors out. My mom came out to visit last weekend and we were able to spend a bunch of time together. I assumed that my aunt and my mom would want to hang out more, but since I was off work, the two of us roamed around and saw some of the sights in Victoria. We made a trip out to Buchart Gardens, had lunch and ice cream at the Red Barn Market, ate some Noodle Box, and had a delicious dinner at a local Carribean joint called The Reef. Sooo good. And I just realized that most of the "events" of our weekend were based around food... funny how that works :)

I got back to work last Tuesday and survived it without any real inklings of discomfort. And then I packed my weekend full of busy-ness. Friday I hung out with a good friend and her sister, drinking some homebrew and telling obnoxious stories. Saturday held a bit of a shock with a phone call from the pub saying I was supposed to be at work (they scheduled me for the Saturday rather than Sunday for some reason), so after hustling in and slinging beer for the day, I got off work, picked up my pirate friend from his boat, hit up the grocery store and went over to his girlfriends place for an epic meal of steak and freshly caught local dungeness crab with some delicious veggies and beer on the side. Then the pirate and I abandoned his first mate and met another friend of mine at a concert for the local alternative/hard rock band The Armchair Cynics. I've seen them before, but they put on a great show and are doing their best to make it big with their new album. The new song, "Ablaze" is really solid and they sound great in concert. My good friend KR is dating one of the band members, so she is keeping me up to date on upcoming shows.

Sunday brought more good weather and a wake-up call from the pirate. He had to move his boat from Oak Bay to Cadboro Bay, so I tagged along and did a bit of sailing with him. It was a gorgeous day full of sunshine, and we had a great (albeit brief) voyage from one marina to another. After picking up our vehicles, I went and met my uncle and his fiancee for some dinner downtown and hit up a brewpub for dessert. Uncle K and I had beer for dessert, while DD chose to actually go for some lava cake. The beer was sweet enough in my books.

So, it was a pretty busy and excitement filled weekend. Today, although I'm not working, is still going to be a busy one. Now that I'm back from my run, I have to shower, have some lunch and do some running around. One of my errands consists of filling out a rental agreement with my old landlord. It's true... I'm moving again, and a lot sooner than expected. While my mom was here, she wanted to help me look around for a solo place to live (the house with friends in James Bay fell through), so on a whim I called my old landlord from when K and I first moved in together, and he just happened to have a really nice (but small) place coming up for June 1. I hemmed and hawed quite a bit, but after being disappointed with the quality of affordable housing around town, and being totally uninterested in looking around at more places, I called him up last night and I'm taking the place! It'll be much more central and familiar than where I am now, and it'll be mine. So, other than the fact that I'm paying double-rent (here and at the soon-to-be-new bachelor pad), and the fact that I have barely any furniture (K hasn't parted ways with much other than the camping gear and a bunch of stuff I had before her and I moved in together), I'm pretty excited. It's clean and pretty much everything is new, and I'll have a big patio for morning coffee and hopefully some BBQ'ing. If anyone in Vic has some used furniture they want to abandon, let me know!

Alright, a guy's gotta eat.

T

What a week can bring

I often joke with friends and acquaintances that I lead a pretty boring adult life. I'm no longer a partier or much of a late-night boozer. I'm not one to set sights on a crazy trip to Vegas or a nutty road trip to the bush to get rowdy. I like to think my life is a good sort of calm. And although I've faced some hardships, I do my best to keep tabs on pessimism and find the light in the middle of the dark, cloudy days. You know... days with ravens and owls and black-caped men lingering in the fog.

This last week has been a different sort of ridiculous. And in so many ways, I've just had to laugh it off. There are powers out there that I'll never understand, and I can't help but wonder if there's a cosmic chalkboard tallying up, well, something to create some sort of balance. And I'm wondering exactly how that chalkboard is tallied. Because it's been a crazy few days.

Just over a week ago, I posted an entry where I was obviously jaded about the state of my relationship. Now, I can't say that I'm overly optimistic, but I still hold on to hope that things can find a way to mend. That's a long road that I'm walking, but it's one that I'm still willing to walk. Lately, this blog has been a release of all the anxious frustration and desperate longing I've felt for the woman who I gave my heart to (and still do so in a much more silent way). So I'm hanging in there. Last week was a bad encounter, and I was hurt by it. But as with everything, one must move on.

The day after the encounter, I ran my first half-marathon. It was a goal I'd had in mind for almost a year, and had been working toward for months. I trained and prepared completely on my own. I ran my miles solitary without anyone pushing me or giving me advice or helping me through the minutes where I just wanted to stop the pursuit all together. No one kicked me out of bed or reminded me of the importance of my long runs. I didn't grab on to anyone to hold me up when I had the urge to sit. And although I didn't train like a professional and I know that more work could've been done, I persevered and accomplished my goal on my own. And damn, it felt good. I spent the rest of my visit to the big city eating and catching up with friends and relishing in my feeling of self-satisfaction... this was something I did without a running clinic or a partner or a trainer... just me and the road. And I have to say I'm pretty proud of that. Funny how quickly the tables turn, from bitterness to triumph in two totally separate aspects of life.

The return back to the island was a smooth one, and I was quickly back at work. However, it seems like it couldn't last.

I ended up in the hospital last week and had surgery the same day. That was Thursday... I had just returned to the rock on Monday. Who would've guessed?

It turns out that when you feel like you have indigestion or food poisoning but you don't vomit or have diarrhea (and the pain stays localized to your right lower abdomen), you might have appendicitis. Which is what I had. I started feeling like rubbish on Wednesday night, and after trying to eat something, then trying some antacids at about 10:30pm, and then tossing and turning all night before going to the nearby Macs store for some pepto at 5:30 in the morning and STILL feeling like my gut wanted to kill me, I decided that I should probably go to the clinic. This turned out to be a bit fruitless, since the walk-in GP assumed food poisoning or possible appendicitis. His suggestion: sleep it off and it should get better, but if it gets worse, go to the ER. But after getting home and checking the expiration dates of the food in the fridge, and reassessing my pain and checking symptoms of food poisoning vs. appendicitis, I grabbed some books and my IPod and headed to the ER an hour after leaving the doc's office.

I got there about 11am, and at 11pm that same day, I was lying on a surgical table in the OR and was uncomfortably waiting to be knocked out. They removed the alien appendix that was causing all the muss and fuss, and here I am today, sitting on my backside, taking it easy. I actually went back to the ER for about 6 hours yesterday because of a new and brutal pain I had the previous night, but it turns out that my aversion to pain killers is what caused the extra pain... I weaned myself from my Every-4-hour-tylenol-ingestion within 2 days and was trying to go sans-drogues. That and my quick return to my regular food habits caused some irritation around the internal surgical site and I just needed to take some more tylenol. It's just that easy I guess!

So, 5 days post-surgery and I'm sitting on my ass, watching a whole craploap of TV (or, in reality, multiple TV series on DVD), and trying not to move around too much. I should be at work (although I'm not sad about being away from work, I hate just sitting around for any length of time), and I want to go for a run. But sit I will, because I'm willing to override my stubborness to get better in a more timely fashion.

Oh... and I was even able to do a bit of a good deed for a cousin of a brother-in-law that I'd never met, and was lucky enough to do so with the help of a fantastic friend.

So this is how my life goes. And there's still light. And laughter. I do just laugh at the comedy of errors that seems to present itself in this tale of tragedy and woe. It's not all clouds and darkness... sometimes it's triumphs in between the lows, and cookies and popsicles from friends, and relatives who take you in when you've got three holes in your guts, and well-wishes, and upcoming visits from parents, and the knowledge that I kicked just a little bit of ass in my first 1/2 marathon (the next one will be significantly faster). And words from the girl I still love, even if we're still a million miles apart.

T

Do I...

... run through hell and hope the devil doesn't catch me
Or do I simply let it wrap it's flaming hands around me
Can I keep up the running with fire upon my back
And can I keep on moving forward to avoid the eternal black

***

When I wrote those lines, I had a country song in my head. Yes, a country song. I don't have the slightest clue who sings it, even though it would only take a perusal of my ITunes or a google search to locate the tidbit, but since I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, I can't be bothered. It sings, "If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down... you might get out before the devil even knows you're there." Or something near that. And today, I feel like I'm going through hell. It's really just been one of the most miserable days I've had to deal with in quite a long time. Even the good stuff had it's downside. I just need sleep.

To K...

Is it ever going to be even slightly easy again? I'm so tired of being kicked and trod upon that I just don't know what to do anymore. Or even if I should care. I'm just exhausted. And I keep looking for signs from you to show me that maybe I have this all wrong... but I never get that omen. Just ravens and owls and black-caped men lingering in the fog.

T