Sunday eve...

... and I just finished watching "Dead Poet's Society". It's been one of my favorite movies for years... probably since the first time I saw in, I think, 11th grade. I hadn't seen it in years. I actually wrote my English diploma exam on it in 12th grade, and received a perfect mark of 100%. It's kind-of a claim to fame for me, as there were only like 2 others in my grad class of 185 to do it... my best friend (also our valedictorian) and a girl who received the second or third highest grade in English in our school. She was actually a talented writer, and I acted in our senior year musical with her... however, she's one of the few people from my grad class that has passed away since high school. She died in a car accident on her way home one day, and was the one that I "saw" when I was in Belfast over east weekend in 2002. It was her ghost that I tell people I saw. To this day I find it strange that I saw someone who looked exactly like her who seemed to disappear in the crowd while I was walking down the street, thousands of miles from home on a religious holiday.

When I have memories like these, I think and wonder how I'm as lucky as I am. All the time, I hear about people who have had close friends pass away in car accidents, or pass away from suicide, or tragic illnesses. And then there's me. I've had 2 great-grandparents pass on... also the parent of one of my friends a few years ago. And then my acquaintance A.Y. in the car accident after high school. There were also a couple of students from my high school who passed away while I was still a student there, but I didn't really know them. I just think of how lucky I've been... no tragedies... no surprise deaths (beyond A.Y.). I was really sad to see my great-grandparents pass on, but it was as if they were managable, since both were very sick and both had the chance to live full lives. Few people today have even had the chance to meet their great-grandparents, or even grandparents for that matter. And I still have my great-grandpa around. Funny story... when K and I sent out invitations for the wedding last year, he was the first one to RSVP. He phoned my in-laws (who were receiving all the RSVP's) and said, "Hello! This is Howard calling! I'm T's great-grandfather! I just want to tell you that I'm coming to the wedding for T and K!". He also mentioned that he was going to be the oldest one there at 91 years old. I don't think he knew that my grandpa on my dad's side was the same age (within a few months)... Still, I think of how I have a number of relatives that have lived into their 80's and 90's, and how few of my friends/acquaintances/relatives have passed on. I've lived a charmed life for these reasons. And for many more. I won't bore you with all the details today, but it's definitely a charmed life. However, I have my issues like anyone else.

K and I were also talking last night about some things. I was asked if I was interested in helping coach a city Club Volleyball team in the new year. I mentioned that I didn't have my Level 1 certification, and T.S., the guy that runs the club and coaches one of the high school teams we play against, said that they would pay for the clinic to get certified. Definitely flattering... So I brought it up with K to see what she thought.

It's funny where the conversation went from here. She came out and told me that I better get my shit together before I think of committing myself to anything else. This volleyball season has definitely made me tired, and I'm often scrambling to get things done. The thing is, she wasn't saying it out of bitterness... she really has faith that I can do a lot more than I ever thought. I don't think I ever realized was how much faith she had in me. It's amazing... she really believes that I can do a world of things that I don't even think I can do myself. Throughout my life, people have told me that I can do a lot of things. The problem is, I really don't believe that I can do them half the time myself. I'm insecure and I second-guess myself every chance I get. I put up a facade of having everything under control... in many cases it's just an act I use to get by.

I also frustrate her with my lack of organization. Although I know I'm absent-minded and disorganized, I really always thought that I couldn't help this... that it is just how I am, and that's how I work. She told me that I should only commit to the coaching if I could get everything organized and make sure I had everything under control for the next term (where I go up to teaching a 75% load). She made it clear that there were a lot of people depending on me... not just her and us as a unit, but my students as well. At first, I was somewhat upset, that she literally told me to get my crap in line before I over-commit myself. She also came out and told me that she thought I blame too much on the fact that I'm absent-minded.

Now, it sounds somewhat harsh. But she has a point. I do everything I can to excuse my failings and my limitations because I hate living with the fact that I'm not good at something. This is part of the reason why I hate skating and avoid swimming... I'd rather stick with things that I'm comfortable doing. This goes for my absent-mindedness and my lack of organization... I've tricked myself into believing that I can't do anything about it, so I just roll with it and refuse to think about the fact that I could probably do something to fix it, or at least limit the effects of it. How to do this? I'm not certain.

I think that a lot of people do this... refuse to acknowledge their limitations and blame a whole world of things on their weaknesses. I'm not innocent. Actually, I'm probably more guilty than most. I know my weaknesses, but I don't confront them or try to do anything to fix them. Part of the reason for this is that I wouldn't know where to start. Another is simply the discomfort of challenging my demons and vanquishing them. I've always loved the story of a hero... however, I don't think I have the courage to be one myself.

I guess I should start listening to the romantic message of Dead Poet's Society...

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying."
- R. Herrick

- T