I was having a conversation with one of my sponsor teachers the other day, and she asked me to come up with my own list of what went well in the class and what I need to work on. As the term's progressed, this has been the strategy for her... moving away from her advice and criticism to a place where I can come up with my own ideas of being self-aware and self-critical. After filling out about three items in the "recommendations" column, I stared blankly at the "commendations" column. I tensed up, my eyes were getting a bit glassy, and I couldn't come up with a single thing to put in the positive column.
Now, it wasn't that it was a terrible day. I think it was simply... how do I say it... uninspiring. Lately, I've been dealing with the pressures of a boatload of marking, upcoming interim marks (both for my students and the second part of my practicum), getting ready to apply for certification, thinking about getting my resume together, beginning my unit planning for after Spring Break, spending time with Kerrie, coaching 2-3 days a week, and the list seems to go on and on for a long time. I've also been fighting off the early stages of a cold for nearly a week, and although I've been getting some sleep, it just hasn't felt like enough. I don't usually have really bad days... lately they have just been lacking epiphanies and inspiring feelings that I'm changing the world. She made a comment about pessimism and optimism, and how I'd been in the bottom of a whisky bottle if I didn't learn to positively self-reflect. And not grandpa's good whisky, either.
Every once in a while I get thinking about what I was like as a kid. I remember being goofy, but the amount of specific events I recall seem to be pretty sporadic. I have a sister that has the most creative memory on the planet and she claims she remembers all sorts of things that no one else can vouch for.
I remember thinking I was going to be a lawyer when I was in my early teens. I was really into Grisham novels and wanted nothing more than to save the world through my cunning intellect and saavy nature. I also considered being a psychologist, since I was a bit of a go-to guy for friends when they needed a shoulder. Early in university, I considered entering the philosophy and religious studies department to be a scholar of sorts. Anyone who knows me well has probably shared an extended, long-winded discussion with me about religion and philosophy in some form or another. Most recently (before getting into education), I thought my life was going to be in publishing or writing, since I originally moved out to the coast with ambitions of entering the creative writing program. However, I didn't declare a major when I first moved and all the spots for the intro writing classes were taken by creative writing majors. So, I went into English Lit. And four years later, here I am.
Don't get me wrong... I 'm definitely not complaining, because I really enjoyed my degree and my time out in Victoria. If my collective families were closer to the coast, K and I probably would've stayed (minus the fact she hated being on an island). Even when I was in high school and early university, I joked about the fact that I wasn't going to get married for a LONG time, likely in my 30's. Now, I'm the first of my friend group from high school to get married and the third out of my university friends. It's funny how life works out, and how we can have all the expectations and plans we want, but life takes it's own route.
I think reflective people are fatalists by nature. They look back on their lives, and have a hard time imagining how it could be any different. I go in and out of phases of fatalistism. Sometimes life seems so ordered. When looking back, it's hard to imagine how things could be different. But looking ahead... who knows? I'm sure I've quoted him before, but that C.S. Lewis guy is pretty clever...
"For the longest way round is the shortest way home".
- t
No comments:
Post a Comment