The advent of change

I'd like to say the countdown is on, but to be honest, the day has already arrived. Today is the first day at my new job. Although I'm not getting paid until Thursday, I entered my new classroom for the first time just a few moments ago. It still feels occupied... established. I shouldn't be so surprised, considering the man I'm about to replace has been here for years and he hasn't yet cleared out all his materials. Still, I looked around at the posters on the wall and the papers on the desk, trying to mentally sort out what kind of changes I'd make to the geography of the desks, and what I could get to fill the walls around the room. How did I want my classroom to look, to feel, to BE.

My practicum last year consisted of five different sponsor teachers with five different rooms in various locations around the school. It's true that I had my own little hideaway "office" which I shared with a few other teachers. However, when the place you call your own consists of a space on a desk that is about one metre squared, it's hard to settle in and make yourself at home. Even the students weren't mine... they were just on loan from another teacher, another place. Their report cards had another teacher's name on them, their parents called the school asking for the person on the schedule from the start of the year, and many saw me as something less than a "real" teacher.

As with the tides, things predictably change. There is no sage-like sponsor teacher to go to when the students are acting out anymore. There is no relief at the end of your practicum, where you can hand the reins over to the people in charge, the people who know what they're doing. Nope. It's just you. And them.

I guess this post sounds a little bit ominous and makes me sound like I'm terrified. To a certain extent, I am. Worried that the kids won't take me seriously... worried that my reputation (how limited it may be) may procede me as a fun guy but a bit of a push-over. Worried that my kids won't learn anything and they'll perform miserably throughout the semester because I'm not effective enough. Worried that I'm not cut out for this whole teaching thing.

But alas, there's no time for hesitancy. All I can do is show up. Be here. And do my best. Ignore the dreams of insecurity that haunted me at about 2am this morning when I was forced to get out of bed and watch TV for an hour before being settled enough to return to my slumber. Ignore the mental chatter that makes me uncertain. And just be.

And so, mes amis, off I go into the fray. Wish me luck.

T