Departures

I've heard that death and taxes are life's only certainties. However, I think departures are inevitable as well. It's easy to think that, since they are in fact an unavoidable part of life, they should be easy to deal with. But watching people walk away, whatever the circumstances, can be difficult.

I've been struggling with what seems to be a staggering amount of uncertainty and a major sense of rootlessness... the transient nature of this period in my life has caused these feelings of treading water without being able to touch my toes to the bottom. Many factors are involved (which I don't really need to get into), but the things that seemed so certain are just, well.... the opposite.

I've been out on the coast for a month now, hours and a million miles away from the one I love, and the close friends I was staying with have also parted... they're off on a month-long trip to SE Asia, so I'm house sitting in their absence. For a few weeks, anyway. And so here I am... trying to figure out what comes next. My work schedule has been sorted out for the next few weeks, and I have an idea of when I'll be returning to my home base... and sure, I know that life is waiting for me there... but nothing seems certain... nothing seems solid and tangible. Quicksand is all that remains.

This may be just a melodramatic moment, but I'm terrified of what's to come. No longer can I rely on the familiar safety net of university and part time jobs and the ability to do as I wish. I know I've mentioned it flippantly before, but these seem to be the first days of the rest of my life. What's to come on the other side of the door is anyone's guess... hell, I'm not even sure. I've always been the one to have it all figured out, and I'm racking my brain to sort out exactly what will happen or what to expect. But I remain blank.  In a sense, I'm simply trying to ignore the fact that I'm metaphorically surrounded by water... if you ignore the water, does it cease to exist?

I don't know... I'm probably just obsessively philosophizing because of a lack of things to do. But here I remain, nonetheless. I guess I just need to keep showing up and see what happens. "For the longest way round is the shortest way home"....

T