Mutterings

I'm hearing shots ring out past midnight
And there's silence in the streets
The babes are wrapped in blankets
While the criminals retreat

The lightening outside the window
Seems a hundred miles away
The power's going out
And the storm is here to stay

The shivering won't subside
As I cower in my bed
I thought I'd been found alive
But our love seems surely dead

I'm holding out a single branch
The last one I can bear
Hoping that you can grasp one end
So that this branch is one we share

Still, my naivety won't rule me
Although my wishes still remain
I wait once more in limbo
Holding branches in the rain

TM

Lacking down-time.

Life has been ridiculously busy. And it's been a balance of work and play, for sure. However, there hasn't been much time for rest lately.

I do a 1/2 marathon without any help from, well, anyone. Four days later I'm being cut into at the local hospital for a misbehaving organ. The surgery was carried out by a rockstar surgeon had my appendix out in less than 10 minutes. I'm on house arrest for about a week. Oh... and bad... my car's a piece of crap and not only do I have to fix it twice in the past two months, but it also gets hit by a hit-and-runner old man driver. However, he'll pay for the damages. Alas, I have to pay the nearly-six-hundred-dollar fee for getting it fixed up front, which sucks. It has not been fixed yet.

Talk about a flip-flop of circumstances and luck!

I work nearly 50 hours a week and only get one token day off most weeks. However, because of my surgery, I get to spend 4 days with my mom while she was visiting (which she had planned prior to my appendix-related adventure). My uncle visits and I'm able to finagle a couple of days off to hang with him and his fiancee, and get to eat carribean food and raw oysters and have the pleasure of being poured into a cab (while my car has a sleepover downtown) after numerous beers and a bit of tequila. Then my sister visits for a weekend and I have 2/3 days off that she's in town. I have another day off, and my friend from Kelowna visits and we go up to the Sooke potholes before heading down to a boat and getting drunk before/while cruising around the inner harbour and gorging ourselves on lobster, steak, asparagus and feta-stuffed olives. Now I have a Saturday off, and it's my good friend's-fiancee's stag, so I'm able to join him and the boys for a booze cruise and a night out on the town, while before this I spend the morning hiking and hanging out with teaching-program friends. Other days off are equally hectic and involve dinner parties, boat trips, some hiking, and other random adventures.

The point of this whole thing is that I've been able to enjoy a lot of good times recently with friends and family and the few days off I receive are full of fun and adventures. It's exhausting, but a tonne of fun.

Upcoming adventures: Wedding in Alberta, then off to Montana for some time with the whole fam in Whitefish/Kalispell, followed by a road trip with my big bro from Montana to K-town to the coast where he'll hang with me for a couple days before going back to the 403. Oh, and another wedding the day after returning to the coast for a good friend.

If only some sort of teaching gig would appear...

T

Oh... on a completely unrelated topic... I'm reading "All Quiet on the Western Front" right now... I have quickly realized why this is such a classic.

Around the sun

It's a cliche activity... the birthday self-evaluation. But in a way it's inevitable if you give yourself some time for self-reflection. Where to go... what to plan... what to change. Sometimes these activities accompany New Years celebrations, but I find myself looking in the mirror around my birthday.

Often, my mid-year reflections seem to be based in what I have in my life... what I've accomplished, what I hold dear, and who walks the road with me. The path's dustier than I've seen before, but one foot still follows in front of another. There are days which feel as though I've seen this part of the path before... like I've walked in circles for a few days or weeks or months in a row. I believe this is why I'm having a hard time holding on to all the scraps of what's left inside me that wishes for some positive intervention in my relationship. I've become tired... I ask, and am denied. I hope, and wait without seeing any return. And I keep moving because I don't know what else I can do.

Nights like tonight make me miss her so much... quiet nights when I'm walking the streets of this beautiful city alone. Nights that embrace music in the air and silent embraces in silhouette. Nights that say goodbye to the loved-ones we drop off at the airport after a weekend of story-telling and sunshine. And nights where I remain alone and have time to consider the sadness.

I know this blog has become an indulgence in my feelings of being broken-hearted, but I appreciate the few of you who still come by and support me through what I've been going through. "I get by with a little help from my friends"...

T

The only

The only things that follow me home

These days

Are shadows and fallen leaves

Blowing and tumbling down the sidewalk

As my feet stamp stamp the pavement

In the dark.

Some have found my clip-clop, right-left wanderings home

In the evening 

Strange

And slightly sad.

But I'm more morose when I find myself in cars

Rushing home after the music has stopped

And climbing into bed before the ringing 

Has subsided.

I walk to indulge in the tin-ny sounds 

Echoing in my ears after an all-night indulgence

Of symphonic beats and strums

Of stringed guitars

And music bars.

I walk to prolong what felt so, so right

Before it all went deeply wrong.

I guess this isn't about the music anymore.

I just know that I don't want to fall asleep quite yet

Unless I have someone breathing beside me

And I don't want to fall away quite yet

Until I know I'm not alone.

I haven't touched the lights switches in my new apartment tonight

Because if I did

I'd know that it's time for teeth to be brushed

And contacts to be taken out

And for socks to be strewn down the hall on my way to my bedroom

So that I can begin my every-eve routine of blankets and pillows

And tossing and turning and prayers for sleep to come

Alone.

No.

I want to keep my head swimming 

In the tick tick tick tick of the high hat

And the sometimes dissonant sounds coming from the stage

While the movement and hands and lights that threaten to pull me in.

Don't let sleep come quite yet... I'm just not ready.

Just a few more sounds and a few more whispers 

And a few more claps 

To break the silence as I tap tap tap

My way to dreamless sadness.

T

Running with the shadows

I've found a little piece of freedom.

I moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment in my old building (from when I was living here a few years ago with K). When we moved out here together (my second year of living in another province), my aunt was able to find us a cute little neighbourhood to call home. We stayed in the building for the rest of our time in Victoria before heading back to the mainland. So, on a whim, I decided to give my old building manager a call to see if anything was coming up and, presto, I now have my own little piece of privacy. No random roommates. No strangers waltzing in. No odd noises coming from bedrooms which share a wall with me. Just me.

I've never lived by myself before. When I first moved out of my parents' place, I moved in with a very odd, pink-haired internet junkie who was anti-social in the extreme. I lasted 2 months before moving into a very slum-like basement suite with three other university guys for the rest of the school year. K moved out here with me during my second year and we've lived together ever since (obviously, since we were married almost exactly a year after moving in together). Now, after couch and apartment jumping for 8 months, I finally have my own space. Tiny though it may be, it's something of my own.

I haven't been writing as prolifically in the past few weeks. Part of this is due to my lack of internet access (the grim reality of paying for all the bills myself prevented me from acting quickly on this front), which is no longer a problem. And part of it is a sense of numbness that has crept into my personal life for the past couple of months. It's not even numbness, really... it's... well... a declining sense of will in my hopes for what is to come in my marriage.

I've been looking for signs that things will improve. I've made requests... I've asked questions... I've prayed... I've held on. And in all this time, I've tried to be as patient as possible in waiting for responses and action in any of these requests. But I think you can only go so long without getting anything in return. And I've felt this realization creep up into my consciousness over previous weeks. The main sense is my feeling of fatigue. I just feel defeated any time I think about my relationship. And so I have, to a certain extent, given up. I haven't gone out of my way to instigate conversation, so the conversations have died. I've waited patiently since March for a response to a series of life-defining questions I posed to K, and I've received nothing but casual small talk and a total disregard for my wishes. Every inch I beg for gets ignored or rejected. So, in my defeatist sense of fatigue, I've just hid from it all.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I did send a message to K about these feelings, but I have yet to hear from her. She did reassure me that she would respond, but she also said she'd respond to the questions posed to her in March (which I brought up in April, and received another assurance that she'd respond and still has not). I just wait, as per usual. I just don't think I can wait much more. It's been over a year of waiting for, well, whatever it is I'm waiting for, and I think I've just run out of steam. I need to start focussing my energy on my own pursuits and new goals, because I simply don't have the moxie to keep up the frustrated/patient waiting around.

Through all of this, I still find time to do the things I love... run, read, spend time with friends, enjoy the streets of this beautiful city, listen to music, and just sit. There are so many good things to focus my energy on, that it's coming to the time where I need to redirect my ambitions to something fruitful. I've mentioned this on a number of occasions... there's a silver lining in everything, and I seem to keep finding it. My surgery gave me time off to spend with my mom and the time to look for a new place to live. My move gave me more opportunities to see my friends, since it was no longer a long drive to get to where they lived. And there are more opportunities to experience the silent streets at night while the sleepy darkness encapsulates the rest of the living world. And so this is where I run.

T

Brief rhymes

It's another quiet night
Where the stars are bright
But I cannot tell
Why the moon ain't right
It's like an aeroplane
Or a flickrin' flame
And I'm starting to forget
How to whisper your name

And I find myself
Losing myself again
And I can't just mend
What you've never been
And your promises
Are just the moonlight mist
That your lips can't kiss
And my memories miss

It happens when
Your words are closing doors
And what I'm waiting for
Ain't worth fighting for
When you cannot show
What I need to grow
And have hope that you
Will find your way back home

'Cause you've long been gone
From what I'm fighting for
And when I'm wanting more
It's another empty shore
Where there ain't no tide
And you're not by my side
And it's all my strength
To find the strength inside

So I wander on
Toward the setting sun
Not knowing if you're there
Or if you're long since gone
But I struggle through
The storm you put me through
Because in the end
I'm trying to wait for you.

T

Keeping busy and returning to routines

I returned to work last week after a nearly-two week hiatus for surgery. My demon appendix was removed without any major issues, and after about 2.5 weeks, I'm pretty much back to normal. I went for my first post-surgery run today for about 40 minutes and feel like a million bucks. It was maybe a bit laborious than other runs, considering I haven't run since my 1/2 marathon, but it felt good nonetheless. And when it's nearly 20 degrees, who am I to complain?

Two weekends in a row I've had family visitors out. My mom came out to visit last weekend and we were able to spend a bunch of time together. I assumed that my aunt and my mom would want to hang out more, but since I was off work, the two of us roamed around and saw some of the sights in Victoria. We made a trip out to Buchart Gardens, had lunch and ice cream at the Red Barn Market, ate some Noodle Box, and had a delicious dinner at a local Carribean joint called The Reef. Sooo good. And I just realized that most of the "events" of our weekend were based around food... funny how that works :)

I got back to work last Tuesday and survived it without any real inklings of discomfort. And then I packed my weekend full of busy-ness. Friday I hung out with a good friend and her sister, drinking some homebrew and telling obnoxious stories. Saturday held a bit of a shock with a phone call from the pub saying I was supposed to be at work (they scheduled me for the Saturday rather than Sunday for some reason), so after hustling in and slinging beer for the day, I got off work, picked up my pirate friend from his boat, hit up the grocery store and went over to his girlfriends place for an epic meal of steak and freshly caught local dungeness crab with some delicious veggies and beer on the side. Then the pirate and I abandoned his first mate and met another friend of mine at a concert for the local alternative/hard rock band The Armchair Cynics. I've seen them before, but they put on a great show and are doing their best to make it big with their new album. The new song, "Ablaze" is really solid and they sound great in concert. My good friend KR is dating one of the band members, so she is keeping me up to date on upcoming shows.

Sunday brought more good weather and a wake-up call from the pirate. He had to move his boat from Oak Bay to Cadboro Bay, so I tagged along and did a bit of sailing with him. It was a gorgeous day full of sunshine, and we had a great (albeit brief) voyage from one marina to another. After picking up our vehicles, I went and met my uncle and his fiancee for some dinner downtown and hit up a brewpub for dessert. Uncle K and I had beer for dessert, while DD chose to actually go for some lava cake. The beer was sweet enough in my books.

So, it was a pretty busy and excitement filled weekend. Today, although I'm not working, is still going to be a busy one. Now that I'm back from my run, I have to shower, have some lunch and do some running around. One of my errands consists of filling out a rental agreement with my old landlord. It's true... I'm moving again, and a lot sooner than expected. While my mom was here, she wanted to help me look around for a solo place to live (the house with friends in James Bay fell through), so on a whim I called my old landlord from when K and I first moved in together, and he just happened to have a really nice (but small) place coming up for June 1. I hemmed and hawed quite a bit, but after being disappointed with the quality of affordable housing around town, and being totally uninterested in looking around at more places, I called him up last night and I'm taking the place! It'll be much more central and familiar than where I am now, and it'll be mine. So, other than the fact that I'm paying double-rent (here and at the soon-to-be-new bachelor pad), and the fact that I have barely any furniture (K hasn't parted ways with much other than the camping gear and a bunch of stuff I had before her and I moved in together), I'm pretty excited. It's clean and pretty much everything is new, and I'll have a big patio for morning coffee and hopefully some BBQ'ing. If anyone in Vic has some used furniture they want to abandon, let me know!

Alright, a guy's gotta eat.

T

What a week can bring

I often joke with friends and acquaintances that I lead a pretty boring adult life. I'm no longer a partier or much of a late-night boozer. I'm not one to set sights on a crazy trip to Vegas or a nutty road trip to the bush to get rowdy. I like to think my life is a good sort of calm. And although I've faced some hardships, I do my best to keep tabs on pessimism and find the light in the middle of the dark, cloudy days. You know... days with ravens and owls and black-caped men lingering in the fog.

This last week has been a different sort of ridiculous. And in so many ways, I've just had to laugh it off. There are powers out there that I'll never understand, and I can't help but wonder if there's a cosmic chalkboard tallying up, well, something to create some sort of balance. And I'm wondering exactly how that chalkboard is tallied. Because it's been a crazy few days.

Just over a week ago, I posted an entry where I was obviously jaded about the state of my relationship. Now, I can't say that I'm overly optimistic, but I still hold on to hope that things can find a way to mend. That's a long road that I'm walking, but it's one that I'm still willing to walk. Lately, this blog has been a release of all the anxious frustration and desperate longing I've felt for the woman who I gave my heart to (and still do so in a much more silent way). So I'm hanging in there. Last week was a bad encounter, and I was hurt by it. But as with everything, one must move on.

The day after the encounter, I ran my first half-marathon. It was a goal I'd had in mind for almost a year, and had been working toward for months. I trained and prepared completely on my own. I ran my miles solitary without anyone pushing me or giving me advice or helping me through the minutes where I just wanted to stop the pursuit all together. No one kicked me out of bed or reminded me of the importance of my long runs. I didn't grab on to anyone to hold me up when I had the urge to sit. And although I didn't train like a professional and I know that more work could've been done, I persevered and accomplished my goal on my own. And damn, it felt good. I spent the rest of my visit to the big city eating and catching up with friends and relishing in my feeling of self-satisfaction... this was something I did without a running clinic or a partner or a trainer... just me and the road. And I have to say I'm pretty proud of that. Funny how quickly the tables turn, from bitterness to triumph in two totally separate aspects of life.

The return back to the island was a smooth one, and I was quickly back at work. However, it seems like it couldn't last.

I ended up in the hospital last week and had surgery the same day. That was Thursday... I had just returned to the rock on Monday. Who would've guessed?

It turns out that when you feel like you have indigestion or food poisoning but you don't vomit or have diarrhea (and the pain stays localized to your right lower abdomen), you might have appendicitis. Which is what I had. I started feeling like rubbish on Wednesday night, and after trying to eat something, then trying some antacids at about 10:30pm, and then tossing and turning all night before going to the nearby Macs store for some pepto at 5:30 in the morning and STILL feeling like my gut wanted to kill me, I decided that I should probably go to the clinic. This turned out to be a bit fruitless, since the walk-in GP assumed food poisoning or possible appendicitis. His suggestion: sleep it off and it should get better, but if it gets worse, go to the ER. But after getting home and checking the expiration dates of the food in the fridge, and reassessing my pain and checking symptoms of food poisoning vs. appendicitis, I grabbed some books and my IPod and headed to the ER an hour after leaving the doc's office.

I got there about 11am, and at 11pm that same day, I was lying on a surgical table in the OR and was uncomfortably waiting to be knocked out. They removed the alien appendix that was causing all the muss and fuss, and here I am today, sitting on my backside, taking it easy. I actually went back to the ER for about 6 hours yesterday because of a new and brutal pain I had the previous night, but it turns out that my aversion to pain killers is what caused the extra pain... I weaned myself from my Every-4-hour-tylenol-ingestion within 2 days and was trying to go sans-drogues. That and my quick return to my regular food habits caused some irritation around the internal surgical site and I just needed to take some more tylenol. It's just that easy I guess!

So, 5 days post-surgery and I'm sitting on my ass, watching a whole craploap of TV (or, in reality, multiple TV series on DVD), and trying not to move around too much. I should be at work (although I'm not sad about being away from work, I hate just sitting around for any length of time), and I want to go for a run. But sit I will, because I'm willing to override my stubborness to get better in a more timely fashion.

Oh... and I was even able to do a bit of a good deed for a cousin of a brother-in-law that I'd never met, and was lucky enough to do so with the help of a fantastic friend.

So this is how my life goes. And there's still light. And laughter. I do just laugh at the comedy of errors that seems to present itself in this tale of tragedy and woe. It's not all clouds and darkness... sometimes it's triumphs in between the lows, and cookies and popsicles from friends, and relatives who take you in when you've got three holes in your guts, and well-wishes, and upcoming visits from parents, and the knowledge that I kicked just a little bit of ass in my first 1/2 marathon (the next one will be significantly faster). And words from the girl I still love, even if we're still a million miles apart.

T

Do I...

... run through hell and hope the devil doesn't catch me
Or do I simply let it wrap it's flaming hands around me
Can I keep up the running with fire upon my back
And can I keep on moving forward to avoid the eternal black

***

When I wrote those lines, I had a country song in my head. Yes, a country song. I don't have the slightest clue who sings it, even though it would only take a perusal of my ITunes or a google search to locate the tidbit, but since I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, I can't be bothered. It sings, "If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down... you might get out before the devil even knows you're there." Or something near that. And today, I feel like I'm going through hell. It's really just been one of the most miserable days I've had to deal with in quite a long time. Even the good stuff had it's downside. I just need sleep.

To K...

Is it ever going to be even slightly easy again? I'm so tired of being kicked and trod upon that I just don't know what to do anymore. Or even if I should care. I'm just exhausted. And I keep looking for signs from you to show me that maybe I have this all wrong... but I never get that omen. Just ravens and owls and black-caped men lingering in the fog.

T

Sunday night rhythms

I had a dream that the symmetry
And these painted scenes and these colours schemes
Would inspire a sense of sympathy
And return things to what they used to be

The strange thing is, that this inspiration
Had too little time to reach maturation
When fifty six minutes was nothing more
Than fleeting smoke at a long-dead celebration

I've packed it all up in these small cardboard cases
In newspaper wrapping, and into compact spaces
Taped up the corners and gone through the paces
To hide all the hurt that appears on our faces

We're a canyon apart... but a cloud close together
And little is left but to discuss the weather
We once lived as if we were birds of a feather
But only I remain, a lone bird in the heather

I guess that it's time that you assert that you're freed
From the shackles of us, and the burdens, and the need
You have all you want, so please, take the lead
And take on all the feathers of the bird that you see.

On I will shuffle, slowly I'll go...
What the journey will look like, it's too soon to know.
What I hope for at the end of this ebb and this flow
Is that you find some beauty in the scars that I show.

T

No title

There's been times I've medicated myself
Against the cold and against the quiet
To make the sleep come more quickly,
When I'm trying my best to hide it.
But when I slip into that bed
I know the truth remains...
The quiet is what will stay the same
Until you've finally decided.

I've heard you say that you don't like
This darker side of me.
Is there another way which I can turn
Which will satisfy or appease?
I thought that honesty was best
When trying to face the day.
But in turn you turn yourself inward
And push me further away.

You saying you're trying, darling,
But have you given me a chance?
Or have you simply found a new cocoon,
A place to call your nest?
It seems like you've just insulated you
Against all that we used to be
In order to find yourself a new,
More exciting way to see.

All of your decisions,
Well, baby, they keep hurting me,
Even as I attempt to recall
How I used to love you tenderly.
You're seeking new ways to prove
That you can do it on your own
But in this attempt to prove yourself,
You've left me all alone.

I wonder if there's even a chance
That you'll finally find a way
To compromise and find me
With you at the end of the day.
Every day you put us off
Is another day I believe
That you're giving up all we had
And all we pledged to believe.

My love, when did you give up on
The promise of you and me?

T

Where we find ourselves

The last year has seen a great deal of transition in my own life and the lives of those around me.

Before I get to everything else, congratulations to my friend L.G. (Ciboulette), who just publicly announced that she's been avoiding bloggo-world because she's pregnant! That's awesome, so congrats to you and Mr. G!!!

This is just one of the things that has happened in the past year that has proven to me over and over again that I'm experiencing an extreme state of flux. Friends are in med school and law school, friends are getting married and getting pregnant, my family has seen a great deal of change, and most obviously I've experienced maybe a day or two of uncertainty and randomness in the past year (think job situation, marital situation, location situation).

I'm hesitant to put a judgment on any of this change, other than I realize it's a necessity of life... you know, "life goes on", and all that other rubbish. But it's just been amazing to me that I seem to have stumbled upon a time when nothing is certain except change itself. I'm watching my life change around me, and I'm both extremely excited for, and exceptionally weary of, what will happen next. In a lot of ways, I seem to be finding some sort of clarity in my life when all things in it are chaotic. I've heard of research that says being around moving water initiates some sort of neural connections and that people often think better around moving water. The way things are going, I'd say that the constant movement of the world around me is enough to provide the same sort of awareness.

I haven't come to a huge number of steadfast conclusions, but I have a better idea of what my life is going to be like, and what is important for me. I still haven't gotten a handle on all of my emotions, especially relating to my separation and my uncertainties about my chosen career path that I'm planning to pursue in the fall, but I'm starting to form ideas. One day at a time.

On a somewhat separate but somewhat related topic, I am planning to run the BMO Vancouver 1/2 marathon at the beginning of May with a friend and her partner. I've been trying to get out running at least 2-3 days a week, and I actually just got back in a little while ago from my now-regular Saturday morning trail run. It was pouring rain and dark outside my window this morning, and I really considered calling my Saturday cohort to cancel, but I knew that it would pay off if I just dragged my backside out of bed. And again I wasn't disappointed. Even running in the muddy rainy-ness that was today out at Thetis Lake park, the smell of wet foliage and fresh mud were enough to keep me going. I have hopes to start doing some kayaking at one point soon (I've never been before), so I'll attempt to keep up to date on that venture.

Although there is still cloud outside my window, there's a big delicious day out there waiting for me. Until again...

T

To the one I love

I guess I was just moved by the sentiment of the music back when you believed this to be a fitting song. We'd spent time apart before, but it felt unavoidable. We were both sorting out our paths in life, even as we walked them together. I guess that's how it feels to you. My main problem is we aren't on the same road together anymore... or, at least if we are, I can't see you through the fog and the darkness. I'm scared about the fact that we're going to have to start over, you and I, because we've been apart for so long. I can't simply come running back to you, like I thought I would when I walked out the door. The deep cuts need to be stitched slowly, but even though it's a long road ahead, I hope to walk it with you.

I indulge in life's mysteries a lot of days. I borrowed a mixed CD froma friend, and after one of the longest weeks of my life this week, I started playing the music on this gift from a friend. Since it wouldn't be right, and it just wouldn't be my life if something so coincidental didn't take place, and it just wouldn't fit if something so intensely personal to you and I didn't came on, that's exactly what happened. You and I both grew in love to this song and with this song. And now it's a song that speaks to me, and I hope that it's you singing the words. K, if you come by here, please listen to the song and to the lyrics, and find yourself in their sentiment. It makes me sad at the same time as making me hopeful. So...

Just press play.

T

Maybe

Maybe I have it all wrong
But I wish you'd set it right
and tell me how it is.
All I really want to know
is how we can find a way
To make it right again.
I refuse to let the sadness creep in
For more than a minute or two
Because I feel like it wants to stick around
And make itself at home in my misery
And not let me alone.

As I barred the door against the melancholy
Anger crept through the window quiet
At night... through the dark draughts carried
Into me by the winds of doubt and angst and silence.

And by the breaths of your rejection.

You say I've turned bitter and cold
But I've been trying to shut out the chills
Of this darkness, of this winter, of this rage
For days and days and days.

Why can't I just let it all go?
It's getting too heavy to carry this load alone.

Stumbled across some lyrics from my past

"There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in"
- A Murder of One
(Adam Duritz, Counting Crows)

Also, this made me smile... Counting Crows and Hootie covering an old Dylan song...

Go...

HERE.

And listen.

T

Spilling over... not completely coherent, but words are written

Don't mistake no news for good news
Since I know that hearing nothing is the hardest thing to hear.
Don't mistake thoughts about you
For good thoughts, or happy thoughts,
Because in my own estimation, those thoughts can be thoughts
About not knowing what to do and wondering if it's worth it all.
Don't think that my distance
is a means to another end
Because I think I've figured out
that this is a common, constant trend.
And don't assume you know my thoughts, because baby, if you do,
Then you may that we're on the cusp of facing a lose-lose.

I come here to be quiet,
I come here to be sad,
Because I don't let the quiet
Drive me wholly mad.
Sadness is a leaky dyke
That can cause the waters to break
So I simply try to not indulge
The sadness while I wake.
But here's a place of comfort
Of silent self-concern
Where I can be just a little sad,
A place where I can yearn.
Because I'm waking up each morning
And wondering about the day
And wondering if I'll ever retrieve the girl
Who stole my heart away.
I guess that's just what happens
When you give your love a chance.
Does the future rests within my grip?
Or is it happenstance?

T

A Full-Circle Story... by/from a friend

A close friend of mine recently sent this story to Stuart McLean in hopes of having him read it for one of his contests. She sent it to me (because, as I'm sure you could've guessed, I was extremely intrigued by the statement, "... this story I sent to Stuart McLean...) and after reading it and connecting very closely to it, I asked her if I could share it here. So, here it is. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did (and as much as Stuart McLean will).

***

The beginning of the circle starts at Pier 21 in Halifax in the year of 1949. My mother, who was born in Salzburg, Austria, came to Canada as a baby by boat with my grandparents. They took the train across the whole of Canada to the opposite coast, and the rest of what was to become a very big family grew up in Williams Lake, British Columbia, where my grandmother built up her own little “Austria in the woods”.

To skip a big section of the story, my mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis some years ago, and it developed so quickly that she is now in a wheelchair, living in a full-care nursing home where she, a relatively young woman, is nearly fully dependant on others for her care. I haven’t a clue how she does it, but she actually just smiles and laughs her way through each day and delights in all of life’s small joys. She even laughs at her disabilities. I ask, “Mami, what kind of memory exercises did you do with Papi today (Papi is my father)?” Long pause. Then she answers, “I can’t remember… What kind of games did we do?” and then we both laugh about the roaring success of these “memory exercises”.

I left the West Coast to go to Halifax to do my master’s at Dalhousie University which already tickled my mother and grandmother pink, but when I found out that our graduation party in December 2008 was to be held at Pier 21, we were all very excited. One of my many uncles called to say the family was trying to arrange to have my mother come out to Halifax for the celebration but that they needed my help on the East Coast end to arrange it. In the end, two cousins, an aunt, my grandmother, my mother, and our favourite care aid for my mother all came out from BC for the research presentation and graduation party in Halifax.

BUT… Canadian weather put a kink in our plans, as everyone except my grandmother missed a connecting flight due to fog. I sat in my room after hearing the news, anxious about my presentation the next morning and disappointed that they would not be there after all. The morning of our presentations, I looked around hopefully but did not see my family. When called, I walked up to do my presentation, turned around to begin, and saw the whole family entourage coming down the aisle toward me, fashionably late, as usual. The crowd giggled, and some friends told me later they shed a tear, as I had been talking about my aunt, cousins, grandmother, mother, and mother’s care aid coming for weeks… for months! I caught my breath and presented with them in front of me after all.

The celebration at Pier 21 was such a joy. My friends, as well as the staff and faculty of our school, truly made my family feel as if they were being received as royalty, and I will be forever grateful for that. Neither my mother nor grandmother had been back to Halifax since immigrating in 1949, and my grandfather passed away before he had the chance to go back himself. As we sat at our dinner table looking at the Austrian flag hanging over our heads, raising our glasses and singing “Ein Prosit,” I thought how perfectly wonderful this celebration was, how certain things can just fall into place to create the most meaningful of experiences. We danced the night away, my mother spinning around in her wheelchair and lasting well past midnight, and spent the next day browsing through the beautiful museum that now stands in the place of the old, original Pier 21. The staff there was also incredibly kind and generous. They kept Pier 21 open for us past closing hours, and one gentleman even snuck my grandmother a gift: a framed picture of the boat on which she came to Canada.

So, there you have this funny little full-circle story. Those were the most beautiful four days I could have imagined.

By D. Von Platen

Sometimes...

... it just hurts so bad
And sometimes, I shed quiet tears in the night
Without anyone knowing how truly broken I feel
And how the waiting is more than a knife, more than a gun.

I woke up one morning
And walked across the world
Just a bag and some fear in hand
Having no clue of what was to come
Arriving in a strangers land
Without a clue of where to go
But clasping a familiar hand
We walked bravely though the rain and snow
To a place that promised to take us
To a place we could pretend
That was warm and familiar and new,
And was just a little like home.

Twenty years of security
And meals thrice a day
I wondered how I'd feed myself
And how I'd find my way
But I kept on waking up
Wondering what to make of life
And what to do with the opportunity
To make it all seem right

So I walked on, my love
I walked on
And now I'm alone again
And so I just walk on
I walked on, my dear
I walked on
And now I'm here it's cold again
But still I just walk on.

I arose another morning
In another foreign land
Not sure of where to put my feet,
Was it water or was it land?
All I knew was my restlessness
My need to drink in the day
Like a thirst that had gripped me since my birth
And awakenend my destiny

So I walked on, my girl,
I walked on
My shadow at my side
I walked on, bella
I walked on
Assured of my stride

So here I am a lifetime later
Just fighting to wake for morning sun.
Bouts of nostalgia make me smile
Make me live, and make me run
But no longer am I running
From the fear that kept me at bay
This time I keep on running
To make sure I seize the day

I walk on, my love
I walk on
Not fearing whatever may come
I walk on, my soul,
I walk on,
I keep on 'til the day is done.

Can you find me in this darkness
Or are you having too much trouble finding yourself
With your own hands and eyes?
I try to dress up for the cold
But what does it matter when I'm left outside
Knocking at the doors for days
and days
and days.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll be your biggest regret,
Or if, when I'm gone, you'd wish for me to return.
But right now I don't know if I'm staying or leaving
And I don't know where to abandon the sadness
To escape the shivering up my spine that's been haunting me
Ever since you told me not to come home.
I don't know how to convince you of our love
Or how to prove to you that I'm worthy our your love
And your faith
And the promises we made so many months ago.
I've tried my hardest to wait out the rain
But I can't get warm... it's just too damn cold
Everywhere I go.
I live in moments now where I forget about the chill
And I ignore the crows outside my window
Even though I see the murder waiting just beyond the door.
So here I am again
Not knowing what's inside and what's out
Or what to do about
Much of anything in my life.
So I sit, and try to sleep, and try to find some light
On my horizon.
It's just so dark
And so damn cold
I wonder if I'll ever sleep again.

T