Boxes in closets

I used to listen to all those
Radio friendly love songs
Thinking about how everything seemed to be
Just right,
Moments were a postcard, 
A framed black and white portrait 
In an art boutique
On a quiet street
Or hung askew
On the walls of the bedrooms
Of young lovers...
Moments depicting 
The moment I was living in
The one I was dreaming in
Those words 
And their music
And the penned sense of hope
Were a part of my story...
Were telling my story.

I listen to them now
And it's all memories...
Dusty photo albums
In shoe boxes
In the dark
Alongside love letters 
And mementos 
From the summer fair
Or a Saturday night movie stub...
Maybe a quietly penned note 
Slipped into the warm pocket of a wool coat
During the first snowfall of the year.

These songs 
Are all nostalgic talk 
And thoughts about the way
Things used to be
The way shutters 
Clicked 
And 
Caught 
Happiness in a flash.

Fortune's wheel keeps turning
Dependably and relentlessly 
Rolling over itself, 
From the crest
Where you can live inside pleasure
Singing these tunes 
Of celebratory romance...
To the bottom
Of desperate memories
Clinging to long forgotten boxes
Lost deep in the recesses 
Of abandoned closets
Holding all that used to be
Known to me.

Reflections on times long past

Over the past few weeks, I've received a few "friend requests" and messages on my Facebook page from people I used to know in high school. Often, I reluctantly accept their "invitations" because I feel it's the polite thing to do, only to delete them a month or six months or a year later because I'm just not interested in them being a part of my world. It's been years since any contact, and sometimes the contact wasn't wonderful to begin with. I've always faced this with some ambivalence, because it's hard to decide why I am reluctant or why I feel like I need to politely accept such invites when I don't have any common ground with these people and don't plan to be in their vicinity anytime soon.

The other problems lies within my mediocre (read: horrendous) memory. I've had friend requests from people, and I cannot even remember what they look like or in what way we interacted. It doesn't happen often, but it happens. Other times, I'll encounter people when I return to my hometown and I get them confused with others. I do it unintentionally, but my life has been pretty detached from southern Alberta for a long while now. After graduation, I made a whole group of new friends who continue to be in my circle now. There are probably fewer than 15 people who I contact who I went to high school with and still attempt to see when I go back home. And even the number of 15 is a stretch. I see maybe 4 or 5 and then leave.

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up this summer, and although I think I'd attend if I am in Canada at the time, I'm just not sure what's there for me. I was pretty involved in life at the school, but my friend group was always fairly close and fairly small. Sure, I knew tonnes of people, but I only considered some friends who I'd actually trust in any way. I just feel like many were just extras in the drama of my life. I'm positive this presents as arrogant, but that is my last intention. It was a time in my life where I was often looking for an intense connection and deep level of trust with these friends, and if I found that, they remained in my life. If not, I didn't go out of my way to make them a part of my life. Part of this was because of my lack of cool (I was never running with the super popular kids... I was mid-range at best).

I seem to still seek that connection. I need to find that comfort... that trust level. I'll be the first to admit this seems to happen with women more often than men. I'm not sure why, but I'm often much more guarded around guys than I am around girls. Maybe it's because I always felt (and still feel) threatened by other guys and it takes me a lot of time to let down that wall whereas I find it easier with women. Even though I'm perfectly capable of maintaining friendships with guys, it takes me a lot more work.

I look in the mirror and wonder what these people of my past will see. What does my university/work/life resume say about me? In what kind of box will I be placed by those who arrive at this reunion to reminisce? Will I be chastised by my failings? (I could be a real jerk to people I didn't like. I dread the image some people have of me if it's still based on my middle/high school persona.)

And I look in the mirror and wonder how I see myself. Sometimes the glimpse I get is not the glimpse of the man I used to know. It's not a bad sense that I receive... just an unfamiliar one. Needless to say it's related to the past eighteen months of soul searching. But what of it? Why all the questions about this question of identity? Is the "unexamined" life "worth living"?

Whatever the answer to these million questions, I remain.

T

New album I'm listening to...

I recently checked out John Mayer's new album, Battle Studies. There's a song on it called, "Who Says" that I'm a big fan of. It's kinda summing up a lot of the sentiment I've been feeling in previous months... 

"Who says I can't be free

From all of the things that I used to be?

Rewrite my own history...

Who says I can't be free?"

Check out the video.

Funny how I've always found some sort of soundtrack to the sentiments of my life. A lot of time I think I'm writing my own soundtrack... I just don't have the music to accompany all the words.

T

Trying

There's a million steps behind me
These shoes, they're wearing down
But I can't help looking back
Wondering if you're coming 'round

I've left the door open during winter
And the windows open through the rain
I keep checking the mailbox for your letters
But the postman tells me, "Nothing came."
When I tell you that I want you
To be the one making that call
It's because I'm just too tired
And the thing keeping me up is my back against the wall.

I keep moving forward like I told you
I keep trudging though the muck
Thinking maybe you'll walk right through that open door
And maybe experience just a little bit of luck

Stop telling yourself that you're letting me
Get on with my distant life
You gotta start fighting for me and taking chances
If you want to end the strife

I've been the one who writes you letters
And sure, you often reply
But if you want real hope, you'll put pen to paper
And show me that you're ready to try.
TM

Holding on to letting go

I had to let go
Of everything I was holding on to
'Cause it was burning me
Hurting me
Making me scream out in pain

I had to let it go
Because of all it put me through
I guess I reached a point
While I was reaching out to you
Where I knew
That until you were reaching back
Reaching out is the last thing
That I should do

Maybe there's still a glimmer
Just a shot
In the dark
But I don't see you striking the match
Or lighting the candle
I've been looking for
I don't know it you're just too scared
Or if you're angry or if you simply
Can't forgive and reconcile
Everything that's passed
Because I don't know anything
About you these days
These radio-silent days
That you keep
Out of my sight

You used to tell me that you'd want
Another chance one day
And I kept telling you
The chance you have is the one
You don't use

Stop fearing useless fears
And crying unnecessary tears
It's all at the tip of your fingers
It might seem hard
To hit the send button on that message
But it's the only way
You know it's the only way

I keep thinking that if you really wanted
A little more time
With me
Or if you had a bit of hope that maybe
Things could change
Then maybe you'd be the one
To seek me out
You'd step out of
These shade-drawn shadows
And away from the secret company you keep
Just maybe you'd reach out to me
But maybe, just maybe
You worry that when you finally do
You wouldn't find me reaching back
To you

The way you're going now
You'll never know

T

A little understanding

You have such an advantage
Such an overwhelming advantage
Living your mysterious life
In whatever form it may take now
Whether it takes the form 
With another mysterious person 
Filling in all the spaces I know
Nothing about

But you get my life
In postcard sized stories 
Packed into neat boxes
Ready for you whenever
You have a whim to indulge 
And keep abreast of everything
That my life is becoming.

Sure, this ain't the complete life story
But we haven't known each other's stories
In a long, long time.

I've spent a lot of time asking
Myself a million questions
Wondering why you don't seem to be
Responding to any of the things I say
When you know that all I'm asking is
For you to just say something.
But you keep staying so silent
Away from the things you're running from.

It's so easy to start assuming the worst
When there's nothing other than silence
To fill the void and empty air you provide.
And it's pretty damn easy to give it all up
When you're talking to the wind.
You get all this understanding
And you won't let me understand.

Two

Things I've thought of and written about when songs have come on the radio recently...

One

It all started off so innocently, but it didn't take long for me to say,
"Hello beautiful."
And it was only a few minutes for me to decide that I was interested
In being a part of your life
Whether living on the outskirts
Or being front and centre

From that point on, we started sliding so quickly
Into everything you and me, and what we turned into.
We look back on the years that were creeping up on a decade
Wondering about where all the time went, where it all went wrong
But the problem began when we sprinted at the marathon
And ran out of gas
Before we could ever catch a breath.
We forgot about all the times we were supposed to reflect
And re-evaluate all that was happening between us
But instead we kept looking at everything but ourselves
While indulging in ever small moments

Where we could wrap our hands around love and remember the spark we shared
And knew that maybe.., just maybe we were still made for each other.

But I already know you're too far gone to be rescued
And rescuing's the last thing you want in this world
At least not from me, from the man that you formerly believed
Would be the one you'd hold onto and walk on with
So we're here but we both know we're not
And all this forgetting is what makes it feel impossible
That you'll ever have the courage to give me what I ask for
In any way possible.

_______________________________

Two

The problem was in the forgetting it all
And the misery we piled and heaped on our fall
In ignoring the pledge we made to each other
In front of our friends and to one another
The one about maybe just trying forever
To work side by side and never sayin' never
Now we not only have the geographical distance
But we live on opposite sides of an emotional canyon
And never will we find our way out of this mess
Unless...

But I can't really say I'm holding on to this hope
'Cause I've realized I'm alone at the end of this rope
So I'm hanging on tightly to the shreds that remain
Of the man that I was when you still said my name
With a sense of belief in what we still were,
So much disappeared when you became so unsure...

I know that I have to have the belief in myself
That I'm not gonna get rescued by anyone else
You make it hard to believe in things working out
But I can't always let you be my reason to shout
I opened up windows when you couldn't see the door
But you just felt the draughts and continued to ignore
All the times that I held a small branch in my hand...
You stayed right where you were and continued your stand.
There's light at both ends of the darkness you're in
But you remain in the middle without a decision
You remain on the rock that's nearby your feet
And you're losing one last chance to allow us to meet.

So here I do stand in this life made anew
But rather than fresh, I feel beaten and blue
I know that I walk a new, dream-filled path
But I can't help but mourn the death of our past.

T

Battling Philosophies

I'm a pretty stubborn dude. Most of you are likely reading this and asking yourselves why I point out the obvious. I do so because I seem to run into situations where, no matter how vehemently I present a perspective about something, someone will simply tell me I'm wrong (or even just ignore me). I don't even really need to convince them... just persuade them enough for them to think I have a reasonable position. This is generally enough to pacify the rise in blood pressure I face from time to time.

Most of the time, I like to think that I'm open-minded. I'm sure there are a few of you who are asking yourselves, "How can he kid them like that???". I'm sure I can think of instances where this is not the case, but I don't like to focus on those moments. I'm much happier thinking about the times where I think/know I'm correct and I've convinced people of a perspective. Ask my parents... they've known this passion (read: "obsession") for arguing and spouting off about things in a slightly (read: "ridiculously") enthusiastic and vehement way. Others have seen this as well. Anyway, enough about me...

I'm living in a country that doesn't exactly embrace this passion for conflict management. And I'm definitely teaching in an environment where I can see faults and flaws in a big system, and I've been told that I need to learn to just live with it. Of course, I've said it before: TIC. As you can imagine, though, this ain't no easy pill to swallow. I like to have my chance to voice my perspective and I like even more to convince people that things need to change (if, of course, I think I've found a flaw or gap). In China, this is not only discouraged, but it's systematically removed from the whole equation. It's not easy to bring up grievances when no one is available to listen. And the few voices who I expected to listen (read: my fellow foreign ESL teachers from Canada) have their own dictatorial regimes that they're unwilling to change. Or they're feeling drowned by this system so they tell me to move on and forget about it because the system is much larger than I can see and I don't have the power to fix. The only thing left is to work within it.

I understand the truth of this sagely advice. I also know I'm speaking very generally here. I guess I don't want to get too far into it for professional reasons, and so I'm attempting to get past it all. It's just not that easy. I'm already dealing with a variety of personal challenges relating to my life both in and out of the school (mostly out), and this is only compounding the frustration. Maybe I seek out this sort of conflict (because I sure seem to find it easily enough... maybe I pursue this sort of "safe" confrontation because it helps me battle my demons. I don't know.

There is a bit of sunshine in this rant. It's FRIDAY. And because the Chinese teachers are stuck at the school all weekend (our school is hosting a national meeting of Chinese public school teachers) there were some complaints among the staff and the admin is taking everyone in the ESL departments out for dinner. So the equation is such: Friday + Free Food = Satisfied T. Maybe life isn't so bad. Sometimes I just gotta wait out the rain. I don't know if it's time to come out yet, but I'm on the way.

T

A song to finish my run began with the line...

... "Can you believe in something bigger than what you left behind?"

I can only hope.

T

(Lyrics c/o Grace Potter and the Nocturnals)

As life changes

I've probably done more introspection and reflection on myself and my life in the past 18 months than I've done in the past 4 years. It's strange to see the places I've been to and where I've come from (and I'm not speaking just geographically). As with anything, though, the more I learn, the less I know. I have a lot of self-awareness to show for it... but I also find that some ideas and habits are hard to break away from, even when I'm standing toe to toe with them, screaming at them to let me be.

I think a lot of changes have been taking place in me recently. Not obvious, radical changes. Just quiet ones that help provide me with maybe a bit more insight into the habits and beliefs that have stayed near me for so long. I'm not a new man in any measurable way. The eyes you see (or those you imagine) are the same eyes I've always had. To a certain extent, the sadness still lingers in them. But it is not the sadness that determines who I am. Just because it exists does not mean that it is all that exists. I worried sometimes, though, if that would be the case. I also worried that my relationship status (or status lingering from my former relationship) would determine who I am from this point forward. And maybe for some people, it will. I can only do my best to deal with the heartache and the scars left behind in the wake of that part of my life, while I also do my best to maintain the best parts of who I was and who I know I am. Beyond that, I need to be honest about it all when I'm faced with questions about those pieces of me. It happened to me... it shaped me. But it is not me.

This is all flooding out of a recent experience where I realized that this past of mine may be important to others. Not in any direct way where I'm judged and sentenced according to it... but in a way that some may affect their perspectives. I know that it has been an hugely important formational (is this a word?) experience, and even though it is in no way the essence of who I am, it is something that will like impact my decisions and my relationships from this point forward. It matters... but in the way that our eating habits affect our health, or an injury impacts future performance. Past does not necessarily determine future. But it sure as hell has something to say about it. All I can do is be honest with me and hope that this honesty shines through the darkness that may be cast around it.

T

Thinking (One of those days)

This is just another one of  those days 

where I get to thinking about the past.

It's my fault, I know. I was the one reaching out.

I was the one who thought that a word, or a few, 

Would be enough of a bridge,

Enough of an opportunity

Even if it was just a song that made me think

Of a world I used to to know.

I know I have to be willing to consider

That you'll never take the first step,

Never be the one to send the letter

Explaining everything that's never been said...

The letter that would explain away all the silence

And all the sadness and all the things you've 

Come to realize.

Even if this realization is that you're ready 

To say goodbye.

I guess I can't change someone's history

Unless it's my own.

And I guess that this wishing is simple vanity,

Because the silence is all you know.

I've tricked myself in believing that I have the power

To change your mind.

But I know that I 'm just kidding myself...

I must not be what you're looking to find.

T

Happy Bachelor(ette)'s Day

I'm in one of my grade 9 classes this afternoon, and the kids were snickering and laughing a bit at the start of class. Not knowing what was going on, I just smiled, said hello and began speaking to the class. We talked briefly about their midterm grades (which they just received today) and I asked them if they knew what holiday it was back in Canada. Laughingly they responded, "It's 11-11 day!" I said, "Yes, it's November 11th. But do you know the name of the holiday in Canada today?" Still sniggering and giggling away, they started speaking in Chinese to each other, trying to figure out the right way to say it. I could tell that what I had in mind and what they were thinking were two different things.

You may ask, what is the first phrase that comes to their mouths? "It's Lonely Person Day!" By the confused look on my face, they realized that "lonely" might not be the right word. I asked if they were sure that they had the right word. Then one of the students piped up, "It's Single Person Day!" Again, looking confused, I wrote it on the board with a question mark to see if I had it right. It turns out that yes, it is in fact "Single Person Day", or "Bachelor's Day". I tried to get them to explain the day to me, but the only thing they'd tell me (with smiles and nervous laughter) is that it's a good luck day for single men (but maybe not for single women?) because of the four "1"s that come up in the numerical writing, and single people are "sticks" like in 11-11. I never did get an elaboration... I guess they didn't know how to say that it's a good day for "picking up chicks".

Regardless, I thought it was pretty funny. After the laughter died down, I did go on to explain to them that Canadians remember the lost soldiers from past wars and family we've also lost in the years gone by. I told them about the moment of silence that extends across Canada in the morning and about the poppies of Flander's Fields. I recited a few verses of the famous poem, discussed the sombre tone of the "remembrance", and then couldn't help but laugh at them when, immediately following my respectful explanation, they began asking about me and my relationship status with HUGE grins on their faces. Let's just say I moved on to the next part of the lesson pretty quickly.

It was too funny not to share.

So to all of you single folk out there, Happy Bachelor's Day from China!

T

Wake up call

It's 4am and my bed begins rattling against the wall. I wake from a deep sleep, confused and wondering why the ground underneath me is shaking. It's dark in my room, so I can't really comprehend what the noise is or where it's coming from. As my senses slowly collect themselves, I realize that I'm being woken up again by something that kept me up for a night last week: bombs and heavy artillery.

I guess I should explain this if I haven't already. Living in the rural part of Dalian that I am, there's a nearby firing range and heavy artillery base which must carry out semi-regular practice. And because I'm out in the boondocks, they do night-time training exercises nearby at any hour they please. It might have started earlier than 4am... I'm not sure. But it continued through until about 6:30am. I knew this because at the exact time my alarm went off beside my bed, the shelling and booming and crashing ceased. Only when I was ready to get up did it stop. Is that irony? I think I'm too tired to figure it out.

The week at school has been pretty normal, but a bit frustrating. I have a class of grade 9s who are collectively pretty weak (even though there are about 8 really solid students). The main problem is these kids fall back on the excuse that they don't understand my directions or the stories or the questions or the word "dictionary" (even when they have fully Chinese explanations), and they simply neglect to do their work. Instead, just like teenagers do, they goof off and slack off and refuse to ask questions or come prepared with translators/dictionaries that would enable them to complete the work. And since I don't have backups because of the poorly stocked book and dictionary supplies at the school, I'm left frustrated and they rely on taking answers from other kids. Although I have some ideas about how I'm going to change this starting on Monday, it still irks me just a bit.

In other news, I still haven't received any Chinese lessons yet. Most or all of the kids who needed the Chinese Foundations class here at the school (the most basic level of intro Mandarin) have been able to move up to level 2, there's not actually a class for me to take right now. So I'm trying to get some programs online that will aid me in my self-study. I'm also hoping that one or two of the teachers here will be keen to do the same thing so I won't go at it alone. I see a lot of talking to myself in the future. Not the crazy voices-in-head talking, but a lot of in-home Mandarin recitation instead of spending time watching every season of Dexter or Criminal Minds.

The weekend looks like it will be spent in Kaifaqu again, but I'm hoping to do a bit more exploring. Apparently there's a pretty kitschy Dinosaur Park somewhere in that part of town, so I think it would be a riot to check out and act like a kid for an afternoon. Then it looks like I'll be filling my belly with Korean BBQ after that with some new acquaintances... should be delicious. D&M are working hard on marking and Masters stuff, so hopefully they'll inspire me to get motivated and do the same, but at this time it remains to be seen. It would make my life much easier in the long run though. If any of you have brilliant ideas to teach kids writing and speaking who don't know a language, please let me know! 

T

Streetside experiences

It's Saturday night and I'm walking towards D&M's apartment in Kaifaqu. Darren and I were returning from the cobbler and a few other stops after he took in some of his shoes for fixing. For less than $15 Canadian, he had two pairs of shoes fully repaired and a pair of Mandy's boots were polished, buffed, and had the heel replaced. As we talked about how impressed we were with both the price of the job and the seemingly great quality of the work, we noticed a bit of commotion on the street ahead. Twenty feet from us, on the boulevard and sidewalk of a moderately busy road (and only another twenty feet from the entrance door to D's building), men were setting up boxes and standing beside stations, dodging traffic in the typical Chinese Frogger way, dodging cars and motorcycles, coordinating the order in which everything would take place. D and I were intrigued and excited, as we knew what was approaching. Other curious spectators from the nearby businesses and apartments poked their heads out of windows and doors to get a glimpse of the action. After final adjustments were made, the first match was struck and was held to a fuse at the corner of one of the boxes. As this man pulled away from his box, three other men approached their stations with lighters lit and carried out the same task. Within a second, lights and fire and sparks shot from the boxes and explosions boomed overhead. Traffic moved between the boulevard and the sidewalk as if oblivious to the explosive fireworks blasting only a few feet away. Rockets shot into the air and exploded about 40 feet above our heads in a myriad of colours and sounds. The ash fell silently amidst the crashing and whistling and pounding of the flashes above. The childish laughter of D and I was mute in comparison to the roaring in our ears. Pyrotechnic smoke began to cloud the roadway, but still the cars went by unconcerned with the possibility of an errant explosive device sailing into an open driver side window. The local Japanese teppanyaki restaurant window was full of specators including the cooks and wait staff. One of the chefs held onto one of the lighters near the roadway, as he was one of the participants in the spectacle. The massage parlour next door featured the same window of awe-filled faces, which were obviously full of anxious excitement. It was even more impressive than some of the Canada Day fireworks we'd watch as kids, yet this was simply an amateur display on a Saturday night.

Ten long minutes later, the last of the happy explosions blasted in the sky above us. We started dusting the burnt ash from our shoulders and hair as we laughed and began to head upstairs. You couldn't have peeled the smiles from our faces. It was such an amazing scene without any real context or indication that these fireworks may have been connected to something specific. Maybe it was a promotion for the Japanese restaurant. Maybe it was to celebrate a wedding and to wish good luck to a newly married couple. Whatever the case may be, the simple pleasure derived from the event was well worth it.

We spent the rest of the night filling our bellies with food and drink and playing cards while the sun sank from view over the Bo Hai Sea. The night remained warm and calm. I knew the next morning would come quickly as I planned to tag along with Mandy and a few of her teacher friends on an hour-long run through the streets and hills around Kaifaqu. But as we got back to their apartment and I landed on the couch, I laughed at the fact that you never really know what you're going to experience here on any given night.

The school week has started once again and I've started thinking about my winter holiday trip in January and February. Because of the complications with my pay dates (and first month amount), I haven't booked any of my excursion(s) yet. However, I'm hoping to find my way south to Malaysia and other parts of SE Asia. In the meantime, I'm hoping to join D's hockey team as "Coach" on a trip north of Dalian, as they've set up a game with another hockey team next weekend. We still have plans for a weekend trip to Beijing as well, and I'm still hoping to keep in shape well enough that I can train for the Great Wall 1/2 marathon. I don't think the weather will be hospitable enough (nor will I have the partner support) for me to train for the full marathon (not this year, anyway), but I hope to do the half in May. But there are many days and big plans ahead, so I'll just have to see where the adventure takes me. 

T

This is China

It's starting to rain lightly but darkly outside the window from my office. I know that I'm a long way from home today, and although it didn't seem so prevalent earlier, it seems to be setting in right now. Surrounding me are the voices of a culture and language that I don't understand and have only experienced closely for the past twelve days. Even these past twelve days have had me avoiding cultural integration here and there as I spend time with Canadian friends and familiar faces while carrying on familiar activities that I knew back just a few weeks ago on North American soil.

So far, this trip has been a great experience. Every day that I live here I am confronted with my own assumptions about learning and about language and about culture. Regularly… no, constantly, I ask questions relating to "why" when looking into the habits of the people and the country that surrounds me. And just as constantly, I find myself coming up with the same response that Leo DiCaprio's character in Blood Diamonds has when discussing Africa: TIA. Except in my case, it's TIC: This is China.

I've adjusted to a few things so far… riding the bus (at least to one single location) is something I can manage on my own, as is taking the Dalian LRT. I've started figuring out the supermarkets (although I only really know what less than half of the items on the shelves REALLY are). And I've even started to get used to the public mannerisms a bit. Being a white person in a VERY quiet and VERY Chinese area of the city makes me the object of blatant staring, particularly when I slip on my running shoes and go for a run up along the highway by the ocean. Workers stop what they are doing and literally gawk. I've learned quite quickly that it's more out of curiosity and the simple fact that there's a very pasty kid in a-typical clothes doing an activity that few Chinese people do. Sometimes it can be unnerving, but there always seems to be the odd person who will go out of their way to say "Ni hao" and smile. This is definitely the exception, though, not the rule, and it takes some getting used to.

It can also be isolating out here. I'm a long way from the city, and although the area I'm in is very beautiful, my contact with the outside world is limited to my teaching officemates, the kids, and the few people I can contact via the internet. I didn't have internet access at my apartment for the first week, so the nights were quite dark and quiet. But in this quiet, I have found a little bit of calm. There is still a bit of anxiety lingering from everything over the past year, and I can't say that I've really moved on from what I've immersed myself in over the past 8 years. But new days bring new experiences, and I do my best to control what is in my ability to control while making an attempt to enjoy the challenges of this new, strange place I'm calling home for the next year or two.

I've been posting a bit more on the other blog site so I can keep my friends/family up to date with the day to day living out here. Writing is helping me feel connected to everyone back in Canada, even though it feels a bit like a one-way connection. For now, though, it's enough.  From the Bohai Sea…

T

Been a while...

I'm sitting in the airport, trying to think about what kind of uber-Canadian sort of food I'm going to have for lunch before flying to Tokyo. I'm thinking if it's something truly Canadian, it'll have to be either a) covered in back bacon, or b) have the option of poutine as a side.

I probably should avoid both since I'll be on a plane for the 10 hours following the feast, but we'll have to see. My apologies for being absent... the past few weeks have absolutely zipped by, and I haven't barely had time to catch my breath.

I will still be posting at this site, but I have also set up another more public blog for my travels/teaching stories. The name is quite similar... rather than "dimsumthing", it's "dimsumseeker" with the same rest of the address. I'm using that as a way to keep in touch with the legions of fans back home (or, at least with my family, friends, and a handful of co-workers). I'm going to try to handle both, but the 4 or 5 who stop by here on occasion, thanks for keeping up the reading, and I hope you keep in touch. Take care...

T

Oh, how the world does change

It's time for a new adventure.

And if it isn't actually time for a new adventure, I'm launching myself head-first into one regardless of it I'm ready or not!

Only a month ago I was vaguely considering the possibility of going overseas to pursue a teaching position which veiled my desire to travel and see Asia. And only a few days ago, I was offered a teaching position in NE China teaching ESL at a middle-school feeder associated with the BC certified schools around China. So, in less than two weeks I'll be boarding a very large JAL plane destined for Japan before making my connection to Dalian, China.

I'd like to say I'm not scared... that sheer excitement is the only emotion I'm feeling. But the timeline I'm facing is extremely short. And the daunting idea of moving across the world and immersing myself in a completely foreign culture for a year (or potentially even more!) is scary as hell. I've had an extremely tumultuous year, and after everything, I still wonder if I'm ready for a change this drastic. But I'm also one of those people who hates not following through on a commitment, and now that I've quit two jobs, told my landlord about my extremely quick departure and signed the paperwork, I have no choice now. Insanity, here I come!

I know that I'm in need of a change. I've spent the last 18 months living in a holding pattern, hoping and praying for things to work out with the love of my life. In that time, I've become increasingly exhausted with the waiting, and felt as though I needed to start pursuing something more, well, "me" driven. Even though I'm still holding onto a slim slice of hope that things will one day work out, I simply need to become a big more centred and a bit more selfish. I can't say that I haven't been able to enjoy my time in Victoria... it's one of the places in the world that I feel comfortable and at peace. The ocean feels like home even though I grew up in a desert-like prairie setting. And the network of friends I have out here is unbeatable. I still have a lot of love for the western prairies, but there's just something magical about this coastal setting. But something else was calling... something new, and something that I had thought about for a long time. I've always said that I wanted Asia to be my next major travel destination (after my Europe trip), and the opportunity to get paid to travel overseas, get back to my career, and see a part of the world that I've never experienced was just too much to turn down.

I'm checking things off my monstrous list every day. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update the blog, but I'm hoping to utilize it as a sort of travelogue for my upcoming adventures. I may start a new page that may be more accessible in China, since there is less open access to certain websites when compared to North America. But when I sort that out, I'll keep you few loyal readers posted.

This big, blue world is one in which I want to indulge myself in as many ways as I can. So here I go again. Even though I'm heading out on my own, I know there's a hundred prayers and well-wishes going with me. And maybe the prayers for days past will find their target someday as well. For now, it's you and me, China. My, how the world does change.

T

Clinging

My feet lie under me wearily
And my focus, it drifts off dreamily
As I sit and wait for another uncertain thing to come

It's all just treading water
Like a desperate cling to survival
As the ocean floor is just a few feet too far away

It's fingers slipping on the cliffside
And hands too fatigued to decide
If they have the strength to hold on just one more breath

The sleep just isn't coming
While the white noise keeps on humming
As I pray for silent breaths to take me to my dreams

But the dreams, they seem so cloudy
And my fears are screaming loudly
So I wait and wait for sleep to find me once again.

T

Anniversaries

I never believed in the seven year itch. I didn't actually believe that after this arbitrary number of years together that things go myseriously wrong. Ironically, this whole thing began in the seventh year.

K and I met while I was still in high school... she'd been graduated for a year or two already. We had a brief, chance meeting when we worked together for a total of maybe a few hours. After making stalker-ish visits to my workplace on my days off (while, of course, she was working), I convinced her that we should became friends. After our occupational parting, we only sporadically kept in touch, but every time we reconnected, the spark was there. It simply took us three or four years to be in a position to harness that energy.

Eight years later, here we are. Or aren't, as the case may be.

Some people have wondered if I have any regrets, or any ill feelings towards my decisions over these eight years. I can't think of any, other than maybe pushing for some sort of earlier and more pro-active problem-solving when the small things seemed to become problematic. But I don't regret it. I've been morose, melancholy, and just plain sad. But even in the clearest of hindsight, I've never uttered, "what a mistake". The experience has shaped me, and even though it hasn't gone the way I wanted or expected, I can only hold on to the belief that this is what needed to happen, whatever reason that may be.

Another realization I've had to confront is one that has been a big fear of mine all along... by choosing to "move on" and start living my life in whatever definition may be associated with this action, I have to confront the reality that K, too, may (and likely will) move on. She may find someone new now that I'm not really holding her back in any way. She may find someone else to make her laugh and hold her close, and give her the comfort and security I used to provide. Maybe there have been guys just waiting for this opportunity... I can't doubt this for a second, as she's one of the most beautiful women I know. I hate the idea, but I know that I need to face facts, particularly since it was me who has decided to walk away.

For today, though, I'm going to focus on the things that have made me smile along the way, and there have been too many to count. Happy anniversary.

T

Watershed times

I feel as though I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff in the middle of the night. I have no idea what lies before me, but I know that it's big. And scary. And completely unknown. I'm suffering from absent-mindedness at work, as I'm distracted both by lingering heartbreak and the excitement of a new adventure staring me in the face. There's a creeping sense of nervousness dwelling in the deep recesses of my gut. There are so many thoughts and opinions and worries floating around my brain, that I'm not exactly sure how to process it all. In many ways, it's breeding a sense of discontent with my current work situation. For about a year now, I've been away from the career I chose, working jobs that are paying my bills but aren't paying me back in any sort of rewarding way personally. So I keep looking at the opportunities around the globe and wonder to myself if I'm ready for all of this.

I have to keep in mind that no contracts have been signed. There have been no offers, though the hope still remains that in the next week something will become available. And if it is something that does come up, I have to make the decision to jump or to stay. Does the safety of not jumping have to mean miserable complacency? Not necessarily. But a missed opportunity to jump is a missed experience altogether. And I'm not sure I'm willing to let such things go right now. The scariest things I've done have always been the most rewarding, from my decision to temporarily drop out of University to travel Europe, to moving to the west coast without knowing barely a soul, to getting down on one knee to ask a beautiful woman to love me forever. These decisions have probably shaped me more positively than any other active decisions (or non-decisions), and all of them came with their own sense of fear and uncertainty. So... if an opportunity arises, it's going to be hard to turn down. Ready or not.


My world is nothing but cliff-gripping toes
Tempting the expanse of the unknown below
Indulging in these elephant sized dreams
But yet, there's little more than frayed nerves to show
Maybe it's time to slow... slow... slow...

I wonder if I'll find myself in all these new intrigues
I do know that I've found myself nervous and fatigued
I'm certain that my uncertainty is for all the right things
And that my uncertainty is responsible for the excitement that I breed
The one thing that I hope for is clarity in all I see
If I open up my eyes and leap, I will see.

TM