Again, with the insecurities

I'm in the process of getting ready for the next term of teaching, and I'm finding myself very pensive and nervous and battling feelings of insecurity. Part of this is probably due to the fact that I went on ratemyteachers.com and didn't really get a resounding review. And that was from a student in my English class, which I thought was the better of the two classes that I taught last term. And I never seem to be able to shake this feeling of being overwhelmed at the sheer mass of qualities and skills and expectations that go along with the job.

Like I've mentioned before, I did relatively well in my first term as far as my sponsor teachers and univeristy advisor were concerned, and everyone seemed to be happy with what I had accomplished. I'm just not sure whether it's just the nature of this job or if it's my own incessant feelings of insecurity that I keep returning to, but I feel singularly inadequate when thinking about what I'm doing in the classroom. There are so many things I feel I need to change for term #2, but I can't even seem to pull a course outline together for this coming term! I don't even know where to begin, and I keep feeling like I've bit off more than I can chew... and anyone that knows me can vouch for the fact that I can fit a lot in this mouth.

K left for work today puzzled at my mood. I woke up and was just edgy all day. We ate a nice breakfast, watched a taped episode of "Numb3rs", hung out, went for a nice walk through the park outside our apartment, had a tasty lunch, and she headed out to work. But the whole time we were together, I was battling this nagging sensation of frustration and bitterness... not at her, but at how I've been feeling in general. I have these big ideas of what I'd love to do for teaching, but I have trouble laying down an adequate foundation for how to carry out these big ambitions. And then there's the question of where I'm going to work, and where K and I are going to settle down, and there's pressure to get back to the prairies and to get closer to our families... and I don't even know if I'm up to what this job expects of me. Some of my friends and family have mentioned that I'm going to be a great teacher, or that I have the perfect personality for a teacher. I don't even really think that I'm sold on this. But even if I was, the personality is only one piece to a complicated puzzle. Some of my character flaws have come through in the classroom, and I hate the fact that I think and rethink things I've said or done to the point where I obsess over my mistakes. I can't tell you how many times I've realized that I'm just an obsessive over-analyzer, but this doesn't make me feel any better about much of anything.

Maybe I just need some bloody exercise. And maybe I just need to figure out a way to get over myself and deal with everything as it comes. And maybe I just need a pint of Jack Daniels and some inspiring movies to change my mood.

Wow, I guess that's enough verbal catharsis for one night. The funny thing is, I'm sure I'll be feeling radically different tomorrow. C'est la vie... ma vie.

- T